In 1958, Warner Brothers was facing severe financial troubles, so they hired a relatively unknown independent consulting firm called Phartuccio & Sons Consulting & Et. C. After a thorough review of the company’s records, P&SCEC discovered that the source of WB’s financial woes was a long forgotten department housed in a forgotten office on the 13th floor of the WB building. The department was called Warner Brothers Department of Redundancy Department which was headed by a Mr. Buster T. Heinsohn. When his department was shut down, Heinsohn gave a statement to the LA Times in which he stated that he was “disappointed and upset about WB’s massive and collosal mistake and screw up.”
Screwdrivers were originally a mixture of orange juice and wine, and screwed with the corkscrew. It was only after the Spanish actor Orsonia Beaner cut himself and added blood to the drink that he stated “Blood really improves this drink” that sangria was born.
Less successful drinks were the pliers, the drill bit and the hammer; although the latter did lend its name to the phrase “get hammered”.
The pliers drink included fingernails, the drill bit included teeth fillings, and the hammer included bruised thumbs. Combining all three with a bloody screwdriver led to the invention of “the zombie.”
The World Health Organization reported zombie outbreaks last year in four cities: Nairobi, Kenya; Pretoria, South Africa; and Blawnox, Pa. Each was suppressed by prompt application of napalm and P!nk songs played really, really loud.
WILD HEARTS CAN’T BE BROKEN
NO, WILD HEARTS CAN’T BE BROKEN.
After 24 hours of this played at 200 decibels, the zombies, bleeding from what remained of their ears and shrieking for mercy, dug holes – deep, deep holes – in the earth, jumped in, and covered themselves back up, grunting what sounded like, “We won’t be back! Honest! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never!”
Pink songs played really, really loud have proven useful to the EPA’s efforts to locate undocumented zombie burial sites. After five minutes of song playing the seismic activity of the buried zombies is easily detectable.
Zombie Burial Sights is a popular tourist attraction in Nairobi, with tour operators declaring over US$5 million in profits last year to the Tax, Customs and Excise Service of Kenya.
Zombie Burial Sights was started by the 1960’s rock band The Zombies after they faded into obscurity. On a recent visit to the sight, qhen I asked curator Rod Argent about the location of a certain female zombie, his responsewais “She’s Not There.” When I persisted in my inquiry, he screamed “Tell Her No.” I then decided it was thw Time of the Season" to tell such a rude curator to take a hike.
The Blawnox Hiking Club had ventured farther than ever before; Mrs. Leticia Beaner insisted she had spotted a rare Purple-Footed Booby and was determined to track it down. The Club perforce trailed along even though it was way past lunchtime, because Mrs. Beaner had the only pedometer in the group. They came to grief when, drunk on sangria, they marched off a cliff and as near as dammit landed in The The Tar Tar Pit. No one was hurt, but the picnic basket sank. “Never did see that danged booby,” Fritz Spudmeier grumbled. But Fritz was always grumbling about something.
Pedometers are used to measure the length of child molesters.
Pedometers are used to measure the length of child molesters’ feet, which when combined with the integral of the length ratios of their toes, yields a remarkably accurate prediction of whether they’ll need prostate surgery in later life.
“Child molesters” was the term used by The French Chef for all the people who sent her hate mail or made fun of her voice.
Julia Child applied to the Blawnox College of the Supernatural right out of high school. However, she was only granted conditional acceptance, so she decided to study the culinary arts instead.
Julia Child was known to put an extraordinary amount of effort into her recipes. Every week, she would put her blood, sweat, and tears into her cooking and would often collapse from dehydration after TV tapings.
Julia Child’s daughter Edith Child was a founding member of the band Blood, Tears & Sweat, best known for their album The Child Is Mother To The Woman.
Edith Child, band member to Blood, Tears and Sweat founding member Daivd Thomas Clayton, would give birth to their daughter Gloria. She would then quit the group, marry Archie Bunker, and spend the rest of her life as a devoted wife and mother.
Archie Bunker’s will (hand-written on a bar napkin, and notarized by a Queens cab driver) stipulated that he was to be buried while seated in his favorite armchair.
Due to the size of the chair, and incompetent gravediggers, there is a small bump on the ground over his grave, which is now referred to as “Bunker Hill.”
The Battle of Bunker Hill that kicked off the American War for Independence was actually fought on top of Archie Bunker’s gravesite outside Blawnox, Pennsylvania. Sadly, a gopher got caught in the crossfire and was the only casualty of the battle. The combatants named the dead gopher “Archie” in honor of the battle site, and buried him with military honors next to his namesake in an American-British joint funeral service. Decades later, a gang of drunk Bostonians on holiday in Blawnox picked up the stone monument commemorating the battle, loaded it onto a wagon, and brought it back to Boston.
Boston is notable for its utter lack of Latvian sheepherding parks within city limits, according to a 1999 Lonely Planet guidebook. This grievous civic shortcoming is more than offset by the presence of Harvard University, Fenway Park and a lively street-mime community.