In a recent survey of Who’s Mere Existence Offends You The Most? Johnny Depp came in second. First place went to Roseanne Barr, who received the Donald Trump Award.
It would have gone to Donald Trump, but the awards committee knew withholding it from him would really piss him off and they couldn’t resist.
The Whose Mere Existence Offends You The Most? Awards Committee is chaired by Orson Bean. Its current members are Jimmy Carter, Angela Lansbury, Sugar Ray Leonard, Brent Scowcroft, Alex Trebek, Keira Knightley and the late King Haakon VII of Norway.
Alex Trebeck insisted that, before he became a member of the (then) Most Offending Person’s Existence Committee, its’ title be phrased in the form of a question.
Before Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek hosted another game show almost identical to it. This show was called Are You Really That Stupid?. The only differences were the answers didn’t have to be in the form of questions and the contestants were random people snatched off the streets of Queens, NY. However, most of the clues were no help to these folks, and they usually responded with a question. The most common being “How the fuck should I know?” The show was a flop but it did inspire the answers-as-questions aspect of Jeopardy!.
Alex Trebek once told an interviewer that his favorite part of hosting *Are You Really That Stupid? *was bring able to roll his eyes, sigh condescendingly and shake his head when he got wrong answers. The producers of Jeopardy!, he complained, tell him not to do that.
The last item on both Alex Trekek’s Bucket and Fuck-It lists is to go to Florida and kill several people, thus getting sentenced to die in the electric chair. When it happens, he plans to roll his eyes, sign condescendingly, shake his head, and scream “Are You Really That Stupid? How the fuck should I know?”
The electric chair is the state flower of Florida.
The execution of John Coffey in the movie The Green Mile was actually real. Chuck Pumpkins once chucked a 200 pound pumpkin, hit a child who later died, and he was sentenced to die that way. His good friend Tom Hanks got permission to film it for the movie. He also tried to get permission to use Tom Paxton’s song Bring Back The Chair in that scene, to which Tom replied “Do you really think I’m that stupid?” To which the other Tom replied “How the fuck would I know?”
Beloved American actor Tom Hanks has actually never used profanity in his entire life, and is, according to his biographer Ignatius Reilly Harcourt Fenton Mudd “Pookie” Phartuccio, the only Hollywood actor over the age of 8 of whom that can be said. The closest he ever came was in reading critics’ reviews of Joe Versus the Volcano, after which he replied, “Well, fudge.”
Beloved American actor Tom Hanks has also never eaten fudge or Hershey chocolate in his lifetime, as he views these activities as too vulgar. According to his biographer Ignatius Reilly Harcourt Fenton Mudd “Pookie” Phartuccio, he is the only Hollywood actor over the age of 8 of whom that can be said
The Hershey Chocolate Co. has factories in Hershey, Pa.; Blawnox, Pa.; Nairobi, Kenya; Vladivostok, Russia; and Tycho City, Luna. Lunar chocolate is sold only in Japan, as it is infused with seaweed, tuna, mako shark and octopus tentacles. Hershey has used the slogan, “Moon Chocolate: It’s Out of This World!” in its Japanese advertising for over thirty years now.
Lunar Chocolate is only legally sold in Japan, but a black market for the delectable stuff has developed in Gotham City. It has been discreetly fed to the inmates at the Arkham Lunatic Bin with mostly positive results.
Arkham Asylum was initially in Massachusetts near Miskatonic University until, one day, Batman and cohorts discovered it had been transported to Gotham City. A note tacked to the front gate stated The Old Ones are not amused. Do not repeat this offence. The town is ours. We will come for you soon. – Cthulhu.
When dread Cthulhu is not either slumbering dreamlessly in the sunken city of R’lyeh, or crushing humanity tyrannically under his unholy rule, he is said to enjoy macrame, ping pong and reruns of Friends.
Dread Cthulhu sent out invitations awhile back to an Old Ones Movie Night at his crib. The film was, “The Princess Bride,” and he signed the invites Dread Pirate Cthulhu. No one was amused, but no one declined, either. Nyarlathotep burned the popcorn and was dealt with.
Cthulhu and Nyarlathotep were secretly lovers in a long-forgotten 1922 H.P. Lovecraft short story, “The Eldritch Love That Dare Not Speak Its Squamous Name.” Lovecraft had written a recipe for cheesecake on the back of the front page, and it was misfiled until 2007 in his food- and cooking-related files at Miskatonic University.
Eldritch Sqaumous Love was the birth name of the third Chief Justice of the Supreme Court until he had it legally changed to Oliver Ellsworth, a ruling that was later overturned by a lower court.
Oliver Ellsworth is actually English and has a thick Cockney accent. His name should actually be pronounced Holiver Hellsworth.
Even in this thread I must nitpick: it’s “Chief Justice of the United States.”
In play:
Holiver Hellsworth was a third cousin once removed of Hellboy, the crime- and eldritch horror-fighting (but not personally squamous) foster son of Lucifer.