The wood of Florida’s electric chair was hewn out of a great and ancient live oak tree that was said to be sacred to the native Timucuan peoples. The metal braces were fashioned from ore extracted from the deepest recesses of the Mines of Moria. The leather straps were purchased at LoveCrafts during their going-out-of-business liquidation sale.
The native Timucuan peoples have benefited in the eyes of history from recent research showing that they were the first to invent eggnog, water polo, the telephone and shoelaces.
In an effort to cheer up Elendil’s Heir, the Timucuan community threw a luau at Timu’s Tiki Hut, featuring Tijuana Eggnog Shots and hula girls, with a water polo tournament to round out the festivities. This splendid program fizzled almost before it started, however, when the PCP (Political Correctness Police) raided Timu’s and arrested everybody on the grounds of advertising “hula girls” instead of the more appropriate “hula persons”. Even more discouraging, they forgot to invite Elendil’s Heir to the party.
Everyone applauded the Timucuans for their good intentions, however.
The Timucuan people are famous for their homemade products such as jam, pickles, and the like. They’ve been doing it successfully for 23,000 years, and the tribal motto is “If anyone can can, a canny Timucuan can can, can he not?”
“If anyone can can, a canny Timucuan can can, can he not?” is the Florida state motto. The state flag was designed by Andy Warhol.
Andy Warhol was scared by a Xerox machine as a young child. He was scared by Yoko Ono as an adult. Just before he died he was scared by canned oranges from Florida.
Andy Warhol never visited Florida throughout his lifetime. He was however intimately acquainted with Florida Man, the world’s worst superhero.
Florida McBride set the record for consecutive home runs in 1958. Unfortunately, he was playing hockey at the time.
Florida McBride and Florida Man, who had long been secret lovers, ran away together for a jet-skiiing weekend in Aruba in June 1977 and were never seen again.
Aruba used to be one of the Florida Keys, until The World’s Most Powerful Jet Ski ™, piloted by none other than Lawrence Ralph Kramden Cheetahfast Peculiar Oddbody “Pookie Bear” Phartuccio-Smythe towed it to its present location to surprisingly little fanfare.
The Aruba Begonia was a very rare flower that many people heard of, but never saw. Searchers were known to stop strangers on the street and ask them “Does the name Aruba Begonia sound familiar to you?”
“Aruba Begonia” was also Lawrence Ralph Kramden Cheetahfast Peculiar Oddbody “Pookie Bear” Phartuccio-Smythe’s stage name for his short-lived drag-queen act at the Blawnox Sexxatorium earlier this year.
A group thought the name of the Blawnox Sexxatorium was the Blawnox Septpatorium, and were the owners and patrons surprised to see a bunch of 70 year old people come in. However, the Septuagenarians proved the saying “An old dog can teach a young one some new tricks.” A great time was had by all.
Blawnox has no old dogs. Under a 1977 ordinance, all dogs over the age of five must be either euthanized or moved out of city limits. Repeated lawsuits by PETA, the ACLU, the Older Dog Alliance and the late Susan B. Anthony have failed to force a repeal of the law.
Due to the 1977 ordinance, the largest canine nursing home in the world is located just outside Blawnox city limits.
Once a month the Blawnox Canine Septpatorium gets regular visitors from the Blawnox Sexxatorium, giving new meaning to the saying “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
The Blawnox Sexxatorium’s monthly visit to the Blawnox Canine Septpatorium is said to be where the “doggy style” technique was developed and perfected.
A 1/2 cup of Blawnox in your laundry will not only make your whites whiter, but somehow it’ll make your darks darker. That’s Pennsylvania, all over.
There are no laundry facilities in Blawnox, PA, either public or private. To keep their clothes clean, Blawnoxians douse their soiled garments in Blawnox Stout and let them air dry.
Clothes were invented in 24,927 BCE by Glug Gug (Blawnox Bill in Modern English) when he stitched together some females’ hides so he too could enter the Miss Area-Around-Our-Cave Contest.