After Glug Gug donned his new invention, he walk and a crowd parted for him then banged sticks and drums. He turned around and walked back. The naked crowd went crazy. Glug Gug was afraid and didn’t take a second walk until he changed garments hoping he wouldn’t be recognized. He wasn’t.
When preparing for the First Cocktail Party in 24927 BCE, Glug Gug’s wife looked at him and asked “You’re going to wear THAT?”, thus creating the first ever husband-wife put-down.
Glug Gug shot back, “At least it doesn’t make my ass look big! Dear!” then spent the rest of the evening wondering where THAT came from.
Glug Gug’s great-uncle Trog made a cameo appearance in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
By all available accounts, Trog was a wild thing who could make your heart sing.
Not only could Trog make one’s heart sing, he was also good at getting his cave mates to sing. Since all of them were as dumb as rocks, they became known as the Moron Tabernacle Choir.
Under Trog’s esteemed direction, the Moron Tabernacle Choir had a set list of 47 songs. There was, however, no spoken language in the year 24927 BCE. The lyrics of each song were “Aagaagaagaag” but in 47 slightly differing melodies. They were very popular in the Area-Around-The-Cave. They were described as simply aag.
The 2018 Grammy Award went to Beyonce’s cover of Aagaagaagaag.
Beyounce is the most awarded member of the EGOT club, having won 17 Emmys, 9 Grammys, 39 Oscars and 12 Tonys in 2018. When asked how she felt about this, she replied “I do not feel grateful or blessed. I am one talented fucking bitch.”
Beyonce’s secret is all that dazzling hair, rumored to be a wig. A magic wig! That’s why you never see her without it. A more blatant and obvious example?: Kristen Wiig! Mark my words!
The Wig Party was an offshoot of the Whig Party. Members were required to wear pompadours on their heads, genitals and armpits. The party was dissolved after a tragic fire swept through the 1st Wig Convention when a member set his pompadour beard alight with a cigar. The fire spread like - well - fire, as coif after coif burst into flames, leaping from one member to the next. Hair gel was suspected as the likely accelerant.
Kristen Wiig has an actual merkin for just such an emergency.
Francois Merkin is the eponymous inventor of the pubic wig. In 1707, there was a horrible orgy accident in Versailles and many of those present, including his wife, lost much of their pubic hair. He quickly snipped off his beard to save her from being shamed in front of the Sun King.
Stephen King wears a wig and glasses to conceal his identity as Chuck Pumpkins, who is wanted in 17states for illegal sexual activity.
To further ensure her safety, in 2017 Kirsten Wiig legally changed her name to Kiirsten Wiig. Stephen King was so impressed that he followed suit earlier this year, legally changing his last name to Kiing.
When the judge asked Stephen King why he wanted to change the spelling of his last name, he replied “The i’s have it.”
The use of the double-i spelling is facing backlash from social justice warriors claiming it’s a cultural appropriation from the Mogawatanaitsikambuda people of north-southwest Gambia, where the double-i is used to transliterate a sound used in their language described as “halfway between a burp and coughing up phlegm”.
Actually, Kristen Wiig IS a merkin. I am proud to a merkin.
Sometimes Lee Greenwood sings “I’m proud to be ah a merkin.” Nobody ever notices. (Actually, for all I know, this could be true). Except God, who laughs.
The one time Lee Greenwood performed his luke-warm number “Proud To Be A Merkin” at the Blawnox Amphitheater of Awesome Hits, he was mobbed by an adoring crowd who thought he was singing, “Proud To Be An American”. Mr. Greenwood, whose mama didn’t raise no fools, made the change in the lyrics and became a bazillionaire within the month.