A bazillionaire is richer than a mere zillionaire but not as rich as a jillionaire.
I once googled a jillion and came up with infinity.
If you google a Jillian, you better make sure she’s over 18.
*Over 18 * was a very unsuccessful pornographic magazine, probably because it only featured men and women who were aged 81.
Stephen King, Lee Greenwood and Kristen Wiig have formed a suicide pact if they’re all still alive when they turn 81.
But before committing suicide, they are going to have a threesome (Now try getting that mental picture out of your head).
To get a physical picture out of your head, first coat the inner side of your left ear with Vaseline using a Q-tip. Next, insert a pair of tweezers carefully into the ear canal. Once you reach the frame of the picture, grasp it tightly with the tweezers and pull with all your might while shaking your head vigorously. Warning: depending on the size of the picture and the design of the frame, this is likely to hurt a bit.
Stephen King once nearly died while having a physical picture of Elvis and a liger on black velvet, nearly 14 feet by 23 feet, removed from his head. No one knows how it got in there and, oddly enough, he has never written about the experience.
The 14x23’ picture of Elvis and a liger (on black velvet) that was removed from Stephen King’s head is presently on display at the Museum of Magnificent Mainers in Bull Moose Junction, Maine.
Bull Moose Junction, Maine, birthplace of Orson Bean, Pamela Anderson and Pope Clement VI, can be found on no map of the country by special arrangement with (that is, a payoff to) the U.S. Topographic Survey.
Bull Moose Junction, Maine, was recently the site of a threesome with Orson Bean, Pamela Anderson and Pope Clement VI. During they event, Orson Bean was heard yelling “Get out the Vaseline, Q-tips, and tweezers, folks.”
Vaseline was originally created as a peanut butter substitute. Despite such legendary slogans as “Do you believe in Vaseline?” and “Choosy mothers choose Vaseline,” sales plummeted from base zero. It was only when Orson Bean started rubbing it all over his body on talk shows that people found a real use for it.
The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) was founded in response to Orson Bean’s televised Vaseline latherings. The networks were flooded with calls from angry housewives who were scandalized almost to the point of delirium. After hanging up the phone however, most went straight to the grocery store to purchase a tub of Vaseline.
The Feline Covering Commission (FCC) was formed by executive order in 1905 to determine which of the many ways to skin a cat was best. After three weeks of intense squabbling over the 317 most common ways (none of which involved Vaseline), President Roosevelt dissolved the commission and just stuck with the 121st way, which had always been his favorite anyway.
President Roosevelt was not the shoo-in for a fourth term that everybody believed he was. Orson Bean was strong that year. However, despite his threat to smear the Supreme Court building with Vaseline if he didn’t win, voters were so skeeved at the thought of four years of “President Bean” that they voted for Roosevelt out of sheer revulsion and sent him back. Bean’s threat against the SCOTUS building never came to pass because Peru, the chief exporter of vaselinium, threw a civil war and shut down all exports.
Once Vaseline was scarce, the nation resorted to the secretions of the plentiful geoduck, the world’s grossed burrowing clam, found on the Northwest coastline. A marketer simply used phrase “Increase your luck with gooey geoduck.” It disappeared from the shelves.
Gooey Geoduck was rated the most unpopular Muppet in the history of the show. Who thought it was a good thing to add a duck covered with oil who constantly told people to “clam it up?”
I’ll tell you who, it was Jim Henson’s ex-wife. As part of their divorce settlement, she got to invent a new Muppets character.
Jim Henson’s ex-wife Rhoda Laverne Mary Ted Baxter “Fifi” Phartuccio-Henson’s only accredited Muppets character was Gooey Geoduck, but at the time of her death in June 1977, her personal papers revealed sketches and character descriptions for three others: Salmonella Slim, an unsanitary chef; Chester the Molester, a wacky pedophile; Mrs. Piggy, Miss Piggy’s domineering, alcoholic mother; and Carrie A. Tune, a sex-crazed groupie of Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
Elendil the Tall was incapable of counting beyond three. This rare genetic disorder was not an impediment to him as he had his trusted cousin, Walter the Accountant, always by his side. Sadly, it was Walter who convinced Elendil not to waste his money on a shatterproof sword.