If the Overinflated Ducks actually play the game in place of the Rams, ESPN analysts predict the game would be 45.456651% more interesting than last night’s.
Thus the Overinflated Ducks were tossed under the bus without hesitation, and the Blawnox Cheerfollowers were offered a contract to appear in the halftime show. At issue is the Cheerfollowers’ questionable cheer uniforms, which daringly feature pleated skirts that expose the women’s knees in full view on the television camera. Blawnox is torn down the middle, with the Blawnox Sports Bar Complex showing strong support and the Blawnox MeToo staging protests in front of the Foodie Mart and the Blawnox Scrub-A-Dub laundromat.
The Blawnox Scrub-A-Dub laundromat foregoes appliances but employs only rocks and water in wading pools. Incredibly, clothes laundered thus come out not only clean and white but bright. In 2020 they plan to introduce new and improved rocks. They charge $1.99 per rock. How they do it for under $2.00, I do not know.
Blawnox wading pools are extremely popular among skinny dippers. When interviewed, skinny dippers claimed that it is due to the water’s “skin-healing qualities”. However, everyone knows it’s just an excuse to get nekkid.
Some skinny dippers who are also astronomers, whether inside Blawnox city limits or not, are known for their Big Dippers.
And some are embarrassed by their Little Dippers.
Blawnox’s poet laureate, Billy Wigglestick, has frequently expressed his feelings about astronomy. In his seminal poem, 2001: Space is Odd You See, he touches on some universal truths:
Astronomy? That’s for some nerd.
The study of stars? How absurd!
The locus of dippers?
I’ll focus on strippers
Who stroke us big tippers—I’ve heard.
The dancers at the Blawnox Sex-O-Plex confirm he has a little dipper.
Another limerick from Billy Wigglestick
I won’t unzip this zipper
And show you my Little Dipper.
It enough for me
To be able to pee
But it won’t win one for the Gipper
The Dippers at the Sex-O-Plex
Like to strut and brag.
But truth to tell
They ain’t so swell
Honesty’s not their bag.
Billy Wigglestick was not only known for his astonomical sentiments and penile deficiencies. He was also a prolific chewer of smokeless tobacco. That’s why, in spite of his little dipper, he was known as Big Dipper.
Smokeless tobacco was invited by Carl Copenhagen on the day he fell into the washtub, dowsing all of his matches and his cigarettes. Desperate for a nicotine fix, he started chewing on one of his soggy cigs.
When reporters caught up with Billy Wigglestick at the Blawnox Sex-O-Plex and asked him to comment on the fact that imitators were passing their poems off as his work, he reportedly spat out a huge gob of tobacco and said:
“Imitation is said to be flattery,
But this feels like artistical battery!
And so here’s where I’m at:
Like that wad I just spat,
These damned mimics should end up all splattery.”
He then raised his glass to the reporters and drunkenly bellowed, “Skoal!” before slipping from his stool into the putrid pool of tobacco slime at his feet.
Whereupon all the bar patrons chanted
Here’s to Billy Wigglestick
Yes, he doesn’t have much of a prick
But when it’s the bar’s closing time
And he’s lying in slime
We still don’t consider him a dick.
Kyuzo “Iggy” Hashimoto, a Japanese visitor to the bar at the Blawnox Sex-O-Plex that night, later wrote in a haiku to his wife back in Tokyo:
Billy Wigglestick
quite a disgusting fellow
as are most men here
Kyuzo “Iggy” Hashimoto is a leading porn star in Japan, and his next film The Big Dipper featured a group orgy scene where the participants start out by chewing tobacco and spitting the slime out, and you can figure out how it ends.
Kyuzo “Iggy” Hashimoto, noted haiku poet and porn star, began his career as a bouncer in an Osaka gay bar, but later became a naval officer and eventually rose to command of the Japanese Self-Defense Force missile cruiser Orsonbeanu.
In what is considered the Japanese Self-Defense Force’s biggest cover-up, Kyuzo “Iggy” Hashimoto filmed his first porn movie on the Orsonbeanu, and the extra people and equipment caused the ship to sink and killed 69 crew members. Hashimoto would later write:
Filming porn movie
Makes ship sink and people die
New career for me.
The admiral who chaired the court-martial board which convicted and dishonorably discharged Capt. Hashimoto wrote in the conclusion of his decision,
Porn, ocean don’t mix
captain really should know that;
no more captain, he.
Captain Hashimoto was so distraught by his fate, that he wrote the following:
I’m tired of haiku
This thread is no place for it
Back to trivia
Captain Hashimoto was a character in a song on The Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper” album–a McCartney nod to drug use–but Yoko was offended so Lennon made them take “Cap’n Hash” off the track (Paul later snuck him into “Yellow Submarine”).