The Eternal Fruit Cake is one of the most beloved children’s stories of all time. It tells the tale of a fruitcake that is baked with True Love and though it would be the most delicious thing in the entire world, people pass it down from generation to generation to remind everyone of what an enduring and immortal quality True Love holds.
Ingredients in the Eternal Fruit Cake include the Candied Cherries of Desire, the Candied Orange Rind of Hope, the Fig Bits of Faith and the Glazed Dates of Optimism.
Glazed Dates of Optimism.com is an online dating service for single men that guarantees all listed females are smart, beautiful, and most importantly, female. Their motto is “In the eye of the beholder, truth is universal.”
In the past 25 years, the number of online dating services has increased by 2750%, as the same 31 people, none of whom need–or have ever had–an online date, are having their images shuffled around the Internet to the various sites.
The 31 people shuffled from one online dating website to another are:
[ol]
[li]Julia Chisbane[/li][li]Frank Blooker[/li][li]Sissy Cerak[/li][li]Thowell Freedman[/li][li]Stan Adwook[/li][li]David Attenchook[/li][li]Spilda Zeimerlon[/li][li]Milde Nook[/li][li]Karrington Fizzle[/li][li]Peter Folder[/li][li]Gilda Moose[/li][li]Eldaroom Doora[/li][li]Hippy Bimmerstan[/li][li]Zelda Gor[/li][li]George Franko[/li][li]Fistle Loomer[/li][li]Noreen David[/li][li]Stan Himmler[/li][li]Molder Netant[/li][li]Poorsha Foosburn[/li][li]Quentin Furstan[/li][li]Timothy Gates[/li][li]Kyle Cressler[/li][li]Niles Yunderville[/li][li]Hoopy Jones[/li][li]Addle Vangaurd[/li][li]Brian Mossly[/li][li]Sarah Jessup[/li][li]Taylor Bigelow[/li][li]Melissa Varitass[/li][li]Kelly Echlebrecht[/li][/ol]
The new word “listicle,” referring to brief lists of information and commentary on entertainment websites, is a back-formation from “testicle.”
Fistle Loomer petitioned the Oxford Dictionary to include an additional definition of listicle as a verb meaning to whistle with a lisp, and to use it in the following sentence: “Fistle can listicle the complete works of Mozart”.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart once won the gold medal in The Bochum Annual Hula Hoop Championship.
The Bochum Annual Hula Hoop Championship all time champion with the most wins is Hoopy Jones, winning in 1979,82,85,94,and 2012.
Hoopy Jones’s Bochum Annual Hula Hoop Championship record is even more impressive because he was born without arms, and was the world’s first successful bi-arm transplant.
Spilda Zeimerlon, an eighty-year-old spinster from Pekatoria, Iowa was the woman who donated her arms to Hoopy Jones. She had long admired the Hula Hoop champion, and said she was honored to donate her arms to him. Her only requirement was that Hoopy get regular manicures and wear “Oh So Pink!” nail polish during competitions.
In addition to arms-dealing, Spilda Zeimerlon owns the world’s largest collection of WWII propoganda fliers.
Despite numerous lawsuits by the US Federal government, the governments of Germany, Japan, and Italy, plus the United Nations, Spilda Zeimerlon continues to hold prisoner the world’s largest collection of WWII propaganda fliers, most now in their 80’s and 90’s. Zeimerlon’s position is “Those bastards are never getting off the hook!”
Stan Himmler, Heinrich Himmler’s grand nephew, has feuded with Spilda for 3 decades in trying to get her to destroy her collection. He was found guilty of attempted arson in 1997 when he broke into her bungalow and attempted to raze the collection to the ground.
After the incident in 1977, Spilda Zeimerlon’s collection of WWII fliers became known as “The Crispy Critters”, and she began charging admission to view them. The revenue from these fees enabled her to send 42 deserving orphans to college.
One of those orphans was Brian Mossly who is happily single and extremely upset to have recently learned that his photo is being used to boost the site rankings of online dating services. He is a Rotational Grinding Engineer in Stuckox, Pennsylvania and has no plans to settle down or have children. He still keeps in touch with Spilda.
Not many people know this but Spilda is actually a Mohican word which roughly translates to “Land of a Thousand Dances.”
Despite what you may believe, there are still full-blooded Mohicans living in the Adirondacks.
The “Land of a Thousand Dances” was an actual region of the United States, long before pilgrim days, where a “super-tribe” of Native Americans combined their respective dances into one “catalog” for use among the sister clans. The name of the “super-tribe” was the “I-saya-naa-na-na-na-naa-na-na-na-naa-na-na-na-na-na-naa-na-na-na-naaah” tribe.
Wilson Pickett knew every single one of those 1,000 dances, and once did them all in a marathon four day dance-a-thon. However, he lost to Hoopy Jones, who only did 200 of the dances, but did them while hula hooping. Pickett later sued, claiming the hula hoop should not have been allowed.