Tourism Font comes from the Deep Lagosian font mines. Slaves labor from pre-dawn to post-dusk for less than a tenth of a cent a day to provide the raw material that makes up 98.3% of the world’s fonts. If you are reading this, it is because human beings (mostly) are starving to death to bring this to you. The life expectancy on a Lagosian font miner is measured in weeks, not years. The cost of reasonable rates for font miners would bankrupt the currencies of all the world, resulting in universal illiteracy as no one could afford any new fonts to be made. All print would be made up of recycling old printed matter, a pair of scissors and a pot of paste.
Lagosian Font Minors are judged to be some of the best “workers” in the world, but their life expectancy is measured in weeks, not years. The cost of reasonable rates for font minors would bankrupt the currencies of all the world, resulting in universal illnesses as no one could afford any new minors to be fonted.
Lagosian Font Minors are typically either fired when they turn 18, or receive a significant pay cut. They have never unionized, despite many attempts to do so.
Lagosian Font Minors, however, have confederized several times. It has done them no good.
Webster’s defines “confederize” as… well, it doesn’t define it at all, actually, due to none-too-subtle threats from the Blawnox crime syndicate.
“That’s a nice little alphabet youse got there. It’d be a shame if something happened to it. But, hey, yeah, who really needs a “q” anyways”?
In the late 1950s, Henry Hill began working for the Gambino Family by running letters for them, eventually working his way up to more serious crimes.
Henry Hill, once ejected from the Witness Protection Program, held several high-paying jobs simply because his resume contained the phrase “man of letters” under the “education” section.
Henry Hill founded the fast-food hamburger chain that bore his name until he was forced out of business by the Ray Kroc syndicate.
Ray Kroc’s much-feared crime family took over the Hamburglar’s penny-ante racket but kept him on to divert police attention.
Ray Kroc would threaten would-be competitors by telling them they would “sleep with the filet-o-fishes.”
Ray Kroc wears crocs. Not the goofy shoes; actual crocodiles. He’s just that tough.
Ray Kroc has actually been dead for more than 70 years. It was his seven clones who ran the McDonald’s restaurant empire, each of them working on a single day of the week.
Ray Kroc’s original slogan for his hamburger chain was “Our burgers are a kroc of hits!” Unfortunately, the Hamburglar, who was dyslexic, made a slight letter transposition on the last word. Kroc fired him, and when he complained, Kroc’s response was “What? Do you think you deserve a break today?”
The Hamburglar, after serving his sentence (and was released early for good behavior) is now a radio evangelist in the Philippines, doing services in the local language: “Tagalog with Jesus”.
While Jesus kept kosher in public, in private he was addicted to bacon cheeseburgers and fried scallops. Of course, everyone knew about this, and called him “Junk Food Jesus” behind his back.
Well, at lunchtime
You can always find him
At the Nazareth Vitamin Bar
Just sucking on his plain white yogurt
From his hand thrown pottery jar
And sippin’ a little hand pressed cider
With a carrot stick for dessert
And wiping his face in a natural way
On the sleeve of his peasant shirt
Oh, yeah
Oh, but folks lately he has been spotted
With fried scallops on his breath
Eating them bacon cheeseburgers
With a face as white as death
I’m afraid someday they’ll find him
Just stretched out on that cross
With a handful of driven in nails
And a thorn crown for the toss.
Bible scholars know that Galatians 5:22-23 originally read as:
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is lasagna, jalapeno poppers, pork chops, French fries, kebabs, garlic bread, fried chicken, 23 gyros and sausages. Against such things there is no law.
The verse was changed at some point in history and is no longer read as the above except in most churches in Chicago during football season.
Gloria Vanderbilt has established that it is now permissible, even preferable, that when anyone mentions a gyro that you correct them with any different pronunciation.
Gloria Vanderbilt ate a reported thirty gyros a day but, due to chronic anorexia, didn’t keep any of them down for long.
Gloria Vanderbilt’s openly homosexual son Anderson Cooper appeared in Henry Louis Gates’ Finding Your Roots, where he learned of an ancestor, Burwell Boykin, who was a slave owner from the Southern United States. This proves that most homosexuals are being punished for their ancestors’ sinful pasts.