There are no French people on Santa’s naughty list. This is due to having a whole city of Nice.
Oddly, the French call Nice “niece,” but they don’t call their nieces “nice,” despite said nieces’ obsession with their aunts’ pens and uncles’ desks.
A “French niece” was an English euphemism for a condom. It was previously called a “French letter” (true), but nobody could figure out which letter it represented. After several brawls in Parliament over the issue, the name was changed by decree, much to the annoyance of the French, who then declared a “Thousand Year War” to avenge their wounded honour.
Parliamentary Brawls released their 45th album, “Thousand Year War” on July 14 2019, the 230th anniversary of the storming of the Bastille- much to the annoyance of the French. The first single from the album, “Wounded Honour” sold upwards of twelve copies. Oddly enough, they were all purchased in France.
“Bastille” is actually a Spanish word, but no one has ever informed the French because it’s more fun this way.
The original Bastille was in the ancient city of Alexandria, Egypt. It wasn’t a prison - it was a special care facility for the Pharaoh’s pet cats, and named after Bast, goddess of cats. The occasional spelling of Bast as Bastet is due simply to a case of the hieroglyph artist stuttering the last letter.
Parliamentary Brawls and Bastille are planning a Battle of the Bands for next Bastille Day. So far, the only people who have expressed any interest in attending are the twelve Frenchmen who bought copies of “Wounded Honor,” but that suffices to make a jury for the contest. Their being French means that instead of being judged by a jury of their peers, the bands will be judged by a jury of their Pierres.
ninja’d
Pierre Bastille, born & raised in Alexandria, Egypt (to French parents) grew up to become the country’s most famous jurist and wrote several books on Egyptian law using hieroglyphs. What most people don’t know is at night he became the Pharaoh Ninja, a mysterious crime fighter known for wearing a ninja costume with a pharaoh’s hat.
Near the end of his judicial career, Pierre Bastille moved to the U.S., changed his name to Rock Hard, and starred in a number of porn movies that called for a naked judge part.
…for those of you old enough to remember… thus giving rise to the gag line “here come de judge.”
… a line originated by Pigmeat Markham. That was his nickname for his penis.
While it has been told that Elvis’s nickname for his penis was Little Elvis, little was known about Kate Smith‘s name for her private parts. I was Big Bertha.
Kate Smith was a secret lesbian. Her life long partner was Bertha Bigelow, heir to the Bigelow tea company. Kate recorded a rendition of God Bless Us Lesbians for her, which Irving Berlin thought was wonderful.
God Bless Our Lesbians
Though we must hide
Stand beside us, and guide us
Thought the night, though we might
Stay inside
In our closets, we pay homage
To our Berthas down below.
God Bless Our Lesbians
Especially Bertha Bigelow!
Irving Berlin was so impressed by Kate Smith’s rendition of God Bless Us Lesbians* that he wrote a jingle for the Bigelow Tea company:
Bigelow Bigelow Bigelow Tea!
It is the best now can’t you see
Bigelow tea for you and me
Widely regarded as Berlin’s worst composition, ASCAP took the unprecedented measure of withholding royalties from any Irving Berlin song for six months.
*Or God Bless Our Lesbians- scholars still debate which one is the true title. Smith’s recording was labeled God Bless Lesbians.
Bigelow Tea is still owned by the Bigelow family (true), which adopted the musical signature “I’m Just A Bigelow,” rather than the jingle. Irving Berlin somehow got over it.
It was actually Kate Smith who helped Irving Berlin get over it. He had developed a case of writer’s block and said “Kate, I don’t understand it. You did such a great job on God Bless Our Lesbians, maybe I should hire you to write lyrics for me.”
“Oh come on Irv,” she replied, “you’re a fine lyricist! I just got lucky. Anything I can do, you can do better! You can write lyrics much better than me!”
“No I can’t.”
“Yes you can!”
“No I can’t.”
“Yes you can!”
“No I can’t.”
Yes you can, yes you can!"
“Hmmm,” said Berlin, “Maybe I could turn that into a song.”
And the rest, as they say, is history.
While ASCAP was withholding Berlin’s royalties, he worked as a piano man in a bar for a year under the name “Berlin Joe.” He wrote a song about the experience one night and put the paper into the piano, only to forget about it when he left the job.
Decades later, Bill Martin would find the paper, and release the song as his first single. And the rest, as they say, is history.
“Da piano on a I-pad” is the number one downloaded song in Panama.
Since every word in the Panama language is a constant followed by a vowel, yada, yada, yada (which is an Panamanin word), the #1 song in their language is “Da pino no ni-pad”