He made them all himself. Hence:
“Prior to this lifetime
I surely was a tailor
I own the tailor’s face and hands.
I am the tailor’s face and hands”
Simon also claimed the silk spider shorts held in your farts so well that nobody would hear them. He called them the “shorts of silence.”
Hello, silk shorts, my old friend.
I’m glad to have you on my little end.
Because the noise I make when passing gas
Makes everyone look at my little ass.
But with you under my pants, there is no chance.
They’ will hear the shorts of silence.
Simon’s mother made him write a song about the warning to wear clean underwear when going into public. Simon was 10 years old when he wrote:
And here’s to you Mrs. Mommiekins
Jesus loves you more than you will know.
No, no, no.
I’ll wear my cleaner underwear
Heaven hold a place for me that way.
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey.
After Simon & Garfunkel broke up and before embarking on a solo career, Paul Simon entered politics and was a senator from Illinois for over 30 years. During this time he wore a bow tie and horn-rimmed glasses. He introduced legislation making it illegal for anyone taller than him to have a blonde afro (it didn’t pass).
Paul Simon also played the drums with different punk and new wave artists, like Ian North, Radio Stars, John Foxx and Glen Matlock. He is the brother of Robin simon, Ultravox and Magazine guitarist, with whom formed Ajanta Music, an experimental band, in the 1990s.
Art Garfunkel has disavowed all knowledge of Paul Simon, and claims he made his way completely on his own, aided only occasionally by his good friend John Oates, and, of course, John Cleese.
Garfunkel and Oates, a female comedy music duo, did not take their name from Art and John, but from Bart Garfunkel and Jim Oates, their two favorite salon workers.
Bertha Garfunkel and Jamie Oates first gig was at the Strapehanger’s Saloon in Hackensack, New Jersey. It was also their only NJ gig, as they have vowed never to return to the state.
Garfunkel and Oates made such an impression in their first gig that a bill has been introduced in the New Jersey state legislature to ban comedy music performances state-wide. (There is some debate as to whether Barry Manilow would be included in the ban.)
Meanwhile, in Alabama, legislators want to ban Barry Manilow for being a transexual. Arguments that he isn’t have so far been ignored.
Also banning Cher, not for being a transsexual, though there’s always been talk that Sonny was a woman and Cher was a man and both were transsexuals) but for the line “picked up a boy just south of Mobile.” After all, he was 21, and 21 year old men are not “boys.”
The statutory rape implied in that line didn’t seem to bother them…
…not gonna make a stereotypical southern joke…
…when you can do that yourself…
The word “stereotypical” was coined by Ben Franklin after he was literally bored to tears by two ordinary citizens blathering on to him from both sides.
A similar story has Franklin coining the word in his printing days, when he was an ambidextrous typesetter.
Ben Franklin invented the lightsaber, and founded the Jedi order as a subfunction of the Rosicrucians. Tommy Jefferson, Jemmy Madison and Sammy Boy Adams were all Jedi’s as well. George Washington sneered at the them, preferring a blaster.
Sammy Boy Adams, being a Jedi, never drank a drop of alcohol in his life. Everyone knows Jedis prefer a drink made from the leaves of the Virtuous And Dandy Earth Rosicrucian plant with nothing in it. This drink is known as the Darth V.A.D.E.R.
Darth Vader consumed copious amounts of alcohol and began wearing his trademark mask to conceal his bulbous nose (reminiscent of W.C. Fields). Edited out of The Empire Strikes Back was his line “Anyone who hates dogs and Jedis can’t be all bad”.
W. C. Fields was such a powerful Jedi, he picked up the nickname of “Force” Fields.
[OK, that’s too nerdy, but I couldn’t resist.]
Nerds have been known to go into convulsions if anyone mixtures up Star Wars with Star Trek, dispute the fact that there is no difference between the two franchises. Cijte
Television producer Glenn Larson was once developing a show about a group of explorers traveling through space who encounter robotic antagonists along the way. The announced title of the show was Battle Star Trek Wars until receiving cease and desist letters from legal representatives from both Lucasfilm and Paramount. After reworking the title and show elements a bit, the program Manimal debuted in 1983.