In an attempt to stretch every last possible penny from a franchise, the next Summer Blockbuster flop-to-be will star Gomez as The Man from ADDAMS.
In keeping with the awesome new idea of reviving franchises by substituting women for leading men, the Man from UNCLE franchise will be revived with The Woman From AUNT. You read it here first.
The parts of Napoleonita Solo and Ilia Karyakin will be played by Karen Gillan and Charlize Theron, respectively. Irrespectively, they will be played by Cameron Diaz and Tina Fey.
Hanna Solo is the pseudonym for a professional wrestler who was banking on the popularity of Star Wars and is active today. Her signature move was to race from the ring at light speed when the opening bell would ring. While she won none, she remains undefeated to this very day.
Hanna Solo once used her signature move to complete the Kessel Run in 11.41 parsecs. She was being pursued by Bobbi Feta, another professional wrestler. Feta actually completed her run in 11.34 parsecs and got there before Hanna Solo (much to Bobbi’s bewilderment), who thus maintained her undefeated record.
Feta “cheese” is the only “food” not native to planet Earth.
The smell of feta cheese has been compared to wookie toejams by the Intergalactic Committee For Such Things.
The Intergalactic Committee For Such Things has only two subcommittees: the Committee for Approval of Licenses for Parking on Asteroids, and the We-Cannot-Possibly-Be-Bothered-About-Such-Things Committee. Orson Bean heads up the first one.
Orson Bean is called “Orson” by the inhabitants of the Planet Ork, as “Bean” is considered an extremely rude word in Orkian. He also has the ironic title of “The Big Giant Head,” as he is not the brainiest person in the Beantown.
Orson Bean is the inventor of Beano, the natural food enzyme that helps prevent gas before it starts by working with your body’s digestion to break down the complex carbohydrates in gassy foods.
Orson Bean also owns a universal chain of fast food joints called “Gassy Foods.”* Pure Coincidence.
*I so want someone to run with this idea.
The menu at Gassy Foods includes many types of beans of course, as well as healthy but gas-inducing veggies such as brussels sprouts, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, and asparagus. Various combo platters of these vegetables are available. The B platter (baked beans, broccoli & brussels sprouts) is quite popular, as is the B&C platter (cannellini beans, cauliflower & cabbage).
Carbonated beverages are the only drinks served. Beano is available at every table. They had to remove Horse & Beans from their menu after complaints from the Humane Society (much to Orson’s consternation).
The new spokesperson for Gassy Foods is Sheldon Cooper, who is replacing the Becky Connor twins when they go to college.
Gassy Foods has a state-of-the-art air conditioning and ventilation system designed specifically for them. Le Pétomane Jr. performs at Gassy Foods every Friday night. His father was the famous French flatulist and Junior carries on the tradition quite well.
Gassy Foods has denied the requests of the Blawnox Fart-Lighting Society to host their annual meetings, believing that the Fart-Lighters’ activities are too dangerous to be encouraged. Besides, they don’t want their regular customers’ appetites to be spoiled by the sight or smell of burning buttock hairs. “Even we have our limits,” Mr. Bean said in a statement to the media.
Burning buttock hairs was a common way of imparting flavours to otherwise bland, processed foods during the 1970s.
Heinz’s Bottom-Burned Radiant Star Beans was a mainstay of many a New Englander’s diets in the late 1970’s to early 1980’s. It went out when MTV came in, prompting the Buggles’ hit Video Killed The Radiant Star.
Orson Bean wrote and produced both the record and the video for the Buggles’ hit Video Killed The Radiant Star. He is currently suing the Peach Cobblers for their parody Impeachment killed Trump and Ken Starr.
The only radio stars that stubbornly won’t be killed by videos are the “quasi-stellar radio sources,” or quasars. Heinz attempted a commercial tie-in to revive the Radiant Star Beans, but was foiled by recent evidence that, contrary to earlier speculation, quasars are not fueled by burning fart gases.
Dan Quayle’s entire stint as both Senator and VP was spent attempting to get the U.S. government to establish a Quay Czar, as he heard that other countries might have them. He got no support from his piers.