Back in the day, one of D.C.'s finest restaurants tweaked their menu to re-name some of their dishes after politicians. People kept sending back the (Dan) Quayle Medallions dish because it tasted “stupid.”
The Quayle eggs were more popular, along with the Barney franks and Wiener schnitzels.
Dan Quayle briefly attempted a career as a hip-hop artist using the name Dank Whale. His first single, Barney Frank’s Wiener Schnitzel actually had more returns than sales at record stores when an enterprising but dim-witted thief stole a shipment of the record and tried to get refunds on each copy.
Dank Whale’s second single was “Anthony Weiner’s Frank Blarney.” The lyrics set a new record by including the word “weiner” 144 times. As the publisher of the Guiness Book of World Records summed it up “That’s gross.”
Dank Whale included the word “weiner” in his song 144 times because 144 is the number of times that Anthony Weiner sexted a photo of his weiner to women- which also set a Guiness World Record, summed up as “even more gross.”
Guiness has approached other breweries about having them publish an annual collection of Gross World Records, but this has led largely to exchanges of insults about one anothers’ beers.
Its illegal in Milwaukee to insult or disparage the beverage beer.
With Milwaukee’s economy riding on beer’s popularity, all criticism must perforce be nipped in the Bud.
Budweiser beer and emu urine are 97.3% chemically identical, according to a June 1977 analysis published in the University of Blawnox’s Journal of Flightless Bird Micturition Studies.
August Busch came up with the formula for Budweiser after a visit to Australia where he sampled some Foster’s, which is 99 44⁄100% pure emu urine.
Busch had originally intended to try the beer in Austria, but got confused.
1 out of every 17 Austrians lives in confusion, thinks they are Australian, and answers every question with “No Worries, Mate!” They are among the happiest people in all of Europe.
“We’ll throw another shrimp on the barbie” is Austrian for “Please have sex with my slutty daughter at once,” an astonishing linguistic coincidence which has led to some awkward social situations in the past and at least three homicides.
When German fortune teller Barbie Shrimpowitz was visited in 1962 by an up and coming rock music group, she predicted that the members would suffer three homicides. She would later claim that she was right: Stuart Suttcliff died of a brain tumor caused by being kicked in the head, John Lennon died from gunshot wounds, and George Harrison’s death was a direct result of the December 1999 attack by Michael Abram. She would them make millions of dollars by threatening to put curses on rock singers unless they paid her.
Barbie Shrimpowitz would often attempt to substantiate her threats by telling the rock stars that she was responsible for the “27 Club” and that Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain and the rest had all refused to pay her. In 1995 she asked Phil Collins, “You don’t want that to happen to you, do you?”
“I’m 44,” replied Collins, “Do your worst.”
“Curses, foiled again,” steamed Shrimpowitz.
Phil Collins, sadly, can not really play the drums. There are powerful magnets in the drumheads and cymbals and metal inserts in his drumsticks and shoe tips; a sequencer sends signals to the magnets and, in effect, the drums play him. And not just in Russia.
Phil Collins came up with his “drum” playing mechanics in hopes of replacing Pete Best as the Beatles’s drummer. When they chose Ringo Starr instead, he got the job as an extra in a Hard Day’s Night to have his one brush with musical greatest before fading into obscurity.
Ringo Starr’s greatest song, Eleventy One is doomed to forever obscurity. When he wrote it and played it for the band John and Paul were immediately seized with such professional jealousy that they fell upon him and beat him into unconsciousness, then plied him with LSD for three weeks so he forgot about the song, which they destroyed. George, frightened, never attempted to write a good song again.
Mark David Chapman recorded Eleventy One shortly before his incarceration. He claims it came to him in a dream. On the flipside there’s Milli Vanilli performing scenes from Macbeth.
THIS JUST IN! The remains of the U.S.S Ship The Minnow, which was lost at sea over 50 years ago, have been found on an uncharted desert island. The corpses of the seven missing people have also been found, but it looks like they have been shewed on. Since there are no animals on the island, investigators are puzzled as to how this was possible. However, a notebook found on the ship’;s remains indicates there was an eight person on the ship. A stowaway who apparently kept a record of the order in which he committed the horrible deed. This is a direct quote from his writings:
First there was Gillian
Then the Skipper, two
Thurston Howell, the third
And his wife, the fourth.
The movie star
And the rest later (the Professor and Maryann)
The notebook was entitled “Survivor Type” and the signature at the end looks like “Skiing.”
The criminal somehow escaped the island and could now be walking among us. He is believed to resemble noted singer-songwriter Mark David Chapman, with the same hair and eye glasses. Chapman has put up a million dollar reward to any one who finds this killer. If you see this man, call the police immediately.
That is all.