The “Gilligangster” has struck again. It is believed that he was hired to remove a key player with vital, uncontestable information in the upcoming further investigations into some Person-or-other OTUS, and ran down Orson Bean to prevent his testimony.
What? You mean Orson Bean is not a person who was Made-Up, False and Flat-out Wrong? And he’s dead?
No wonder this was the first thought in my head when I heard the Factual, True and Flat-out Sad news.
Alas. No more made-up than Spiro Agnew or Biloxi, although his name was made up. And it’s really a bummer that he’s gone.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled bullshit, already in progress.
Although I regret his death, I’m glad that the late Orson Bean will always have some share of Doper immortality as a meme here.
In play:
Former Vice President Spiro Agnew is expected to provide the eulogy at Orson Bean’s memorial service early next week. Bean and Agnew were close friends, fellow macrame enthusiasts, and frequent celebrity bridge partners. Interment will follow in the Shady Grove Cemetery in Bean’s hometown, Blawnox, Pa.
The ghost of Orson Bean haunts the Happytime Cemetery in Blawnox, PA. The strange part is that the ghost has already been haunting the cemetery for the last nine years.
Blawnox has nine cemeteries, one of which Orson Bean is buried in, three of which he haunts, and five of which are just a bit jealous.
Bean Haunts is the part of Blawnox between Orson’s four favorite cemeteries. His ghost can sometimes be spotted traveling from one to another, recognizable by his smiling visage floating above the road.
Orson Bean had an…er, bean eating intestinal problem his entire life. His ghost is rumored to give off Deadly Farts, which is the locals name for the bad part of Blawnox when they are not calling it “Blowrocks.”
Kirk Douglas’s ghost is miffed that Orson Bean’s ghost is getting all the acclaim and attention.
Kirk Douglas, Robert Conrad, Orson Bean and Alan Alda had a pact that they would die in reverse alphabetical order by last name. Alda ran down Orson Bean to get out of the pact.
All of the above started their careers in porn as, respectively, Dirk Fugalot, Bobby Condom, Orson Wiener, and Alan Aldaylong. Extant videos are extremely rare.
The same actress appeared in all the above films, and hundreds of others, using the reel name Melanija Kunt. She left the business when an extremely rich, influential man saw the films and fell in love with her. When people in the business got the news, their reaction was “Well, don’t that TRUMP all?” Though Kunt is not the First Lady to do so.
Blawnox is the hometown of three internationally-famous female pornstars, Ivana Fuchya, Lotta Goodhead, Imelda Yorbrane and Emily Harrison.
Lotta Goodhead changed her name for professional purposes. She was born Winkwink Nudgenudge-Saynomore.
Visitors to Blawnox, knowing about Ms. Nudgenudge-Saynomore and her colleagues, are often disappointed to learn that there are no brothels in the area. Winkwink’s mother tried to set up a see-the-stars’-homes bus tour to make extra cash, but Blawnox’s small size made it a very brief tour and she eventually got tired of dealing with horny, disappointed steel workers. But while it lasted, she could charge $20, just like in town.
Brothels Without Borders was a misconceived attempt to create an international charitable organization of prostitutes who would provide free sexual activities in disaster areas. Despite a prestigious board of advisors including Spiro Agnew, Orson Bean, Russell Crowe, Mother Theresa, Jimmy Carter, Imogene Coca, Eleanor Roosevelt and Bill Murray, BWB was disbanded just three days after its formation in Blawnox, Pa. Said Murray later, “It was a fucking disaster, but not the way we intended it to be.”
Eleanor Roosevelt is posed to resume her daily society gossip column about the ins and outs of Washington, D.C. It’s to be titled The Swamp for Deaders. Orson Bean may contribute.
Bill Murray’s next film is based on the original idea that he has to relive the three days of Brothels without Borders until he gets it right. It’s called “Day of the Blawnox Brothels without Bean’s Locust” and also stars Dan Castellaneta as Homer Simpson.
John Barth’s novel The Breath of the Broth Brothers bruits about the beginnings of the Blawnox Brothels without ever being bawdy or tawdry. Or entertaining.
John Barth has written three other novels: The Orson Bean on the River Kwai, Gone with the Light Breeze, Moby-Dickless and The Great Gnatsby. He was dropped by his publisher for poor sales in 1977.