Magic: The Gathering (TM) cards: beyond "Unglued"

Cafe Society
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Ever had an idea for a humorous Magic: The Gathering card you’d like to see in print? Here’s your chance to share your idea.

For a while now a friend and I have been working on series of cards we’ve dubbed the Redneck series. For example:

Turnado, Green, Instant. One land under the control of each player is chosen at random and sent to controller’s graveyard; all players take 3 points of damage.

Trailer Park, Land. Tap to produce one colorless mana. Produces one extra colorless mana for every two Trailer Parks in play. If Turnado comes into play, bury Trailer Park.

Double Wide, White, Enchant Land. The enchanted land is not affected by Turnado.

White Trash, White, 1/2 Creature. Banding. Trailer Parkwalk (cannot be blocked if opponent controls any Trailer Parks)

Freebird, White, Creature, 3/3. Flying. Cannot be the target of spells or abilities.

The River, Land. Tap to produce one blue mana or one white mana.

Deliverance, Blue, Enchantment. Tap, pay one mana. All Rivers you control untap. (Flavor text: "Take another ride on the river.")

Roadkill Chili, Black, Enchant Creature. (casting cost: B-B-X) Bring target creature from any graveyard back into play under your control. Place a counter equal to X on creature. Upkeep: -1 to counter. When counter reaches zero, return enchanted creature to controller’s graveyard; remove Roadkill Chili from the game. (Flavor text: “Them’s make goooood eatin’!”)

Hwwwuuuuttt?, Blue, Interrupt. Target a spell as it is cast. Casting player must repeat the card text (excluding “flavor text”) from memory, or send spell to caster’s graveyard.
And some other ideas:

Picasso’s Blue Period, Blue, Interrupt. Insert a period into the text of target spell or permanent; ignore all text which follows the period.

Costume Jewelry, Blue, Enchant Artifact. Must be used to enchant artifact named after any type of gemstone or jewelry: all effects of target artifact, including mana production, may not be played.

N*SYNC, Red, Creature. Tap, pay two mana; target player says “Bye Bye Bye” to target permanent.

… you get the idea. I’m sure the rest of you can come up with much better ones!

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I’m not bright enough to think up any on my own but being someone who finally broke my Magic addiction I found your post Hilarious. I can’t what for additions to this tread.

3

Well, thanks. But I’m beginning to think other (ex)-Magic players don’t share our sense of humor. I’m expecting to be drummed out of gamng circles anytime now. . .

Wait’ll you hear my ideas for D&D spells. . .

4

Rewind: Black, Sorcery
Opponent re-takes damage dealt during a previous turn of your choice. If a creature or spell was put into graveyard that turn and has since been brought back, return that creature or spell to graveyard.

(2): Damage is doubled if the cards played for original damage are still in play.
Oh, wait, you said humorous cards, not “I wish I had in my deck” cards. :wink:

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The Thermonuclear Arsenal of The Former United Soviet Socialist Republics: Artifact: (15)

R: remove target land, creature, or artifact from play.
RRRR: remove all lands, creatures, and artifacts from play.

YHWH: Summon God WWWWWWWWWWWWW

T: Smite target creature.
T: Add manna to your mana pool.
W: Target creature is saved.

20/20

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Years back, Inquest magazine had a “humorous card” competition. I doctored a hurloon minotaur so it had a baseball cap and bat, and changed it’s name to “Bull Durham.”

Astonishingly enough, I didn’t win.

7

One my friends and I always talked about:
Bananalish Hero
Cost: One yellow mana
1/1, bunches
(picture, of course, is Carmen Miranda with a sword)

And one I saw somewhere, but can’t remember where:
Shroedinger’s Box
Artifact, cost 3
Tap: Flip a coin, with opponent calling heads or tails in the air. If opponent wins, destroy Schroedinger’s Box. If you win, destroy target creature.

8

Two quick nitpicks: enchantments don’t tap and instants don’t come into play.
Other than that, the idea is cool.
Back in about '95 Inquest had a competition to create a new card (maybe even the same one Miller is talking about), and a friend and I created an entire new series. It was based off of a futuristic land with robots and lasers. I can only remember one card at the moment.
Urza’s Nuclear Plant. Tap to add as many colorless mana to your pool as there are Nuclear Plants in play.

To go along with your redneck theme:

Dawg BB
1/1 banding first strike. You may have up to 30 Dawgs in your deck.

Mamma WG4
2/4. Every upkeep you may put a 1/1 baby token into play.

Milwaukee’s Best BB1
Tap all creatures in play. They do not untap during their next upkeep.

9

Playing off Chronos’s idea, how about:
Schroedinger’s Cat
Green / Creature

Upkeep: Flip a coin. Heads, Schroedinger’s Cat is a 6/1 until beginning of your next turn. Tails, Schroedinger’s Cat is a 1/6 until the beginning of your next turn.

GGGX, Flip X coins. Target creature gains +1/+0 for each head and -0/-1 for each tail.

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Enderw24: you’re right about enchantments and instants. I guess that’s why card-makers have copy editors! So Deliverance should read: “Tap one mana…” and Trailer Park should read “If any player successfully casts Turnado, bury Trailer Park”.

Very funny ideas. Here’s one which your Dawgs inspired:

Cinder Blocks: Red, Enchant Creature or Artifact. Target creature or artifact with activation cost cannot be activated while Cinder Blocks enchants it. If player who controls target creature or artifact controls any forests, that player may not disenchant, destroy or otherwise remove Cinder Blocks. You may have up to 30 Cinder Blocks in your deck. (Flavor text: “Sometimes the grass gits so high I furgit where I left the 'Stang.”)
robertliguori and Chronos: lol

In keeping with the recent column on Schroedinger’s Cat, I wonder if the flip of the coinc determines whether the cat is alive or dead, but you can’t know until you try to attack with it?

Anna Anderson, Blue, Creature 1/2. Search target player’s graveyard for any creature card. Anna Anderson takes on all abilities of that creature. If such a creature is put into play by any player, Anna Anderson loses all such abilities and reverts to a 1/2 creature without abilities. Note: the creature card which AA mimics remains in the target player’s graveyard and is not returned to play by AA. (Flavor text: "I am the Grand Duchess Anastasia Nicholaevna Romanov… who are you?")

Henry VIII, White, Creature 4/4. Banding. Place a counter of 6 on Henry VIII when it comes into play. For each creature with which Henry VIII bands, reduce counter by 1. If Henry VIII is still in play during the upkeep phase of controlling player’s turn, destroy any creature with which Henry VIII banded in the previous turn. When counter on Henry VIII reaches 0, send Henry VIII to graveyard at the end of the controlling player’s turn.

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Jerry, The Tech God, Creature - Wizard, 3UU, 1/3: T: Return target artifact from your graveyard to your hand. T: Tap or untap target artifact.

SDMB Hamster, Creature - Rodent, GGGG, 7/7: SDMB Hamster gets -1/-1 for each Doper in play. Hamster does not untap during your untap phase unless Jerry, The Tech God is in play.

Lock/Unlock Thread, Enchantment, 2WWW: No new permanents can be played. Cycling: WW. When you cycle Lock/Unlock Thread, you may destroy target Lock/Unlock Thread.

The BBQ Pit, Legendary Land: Comes into play tapped. T: Add R to your mana pool. T: Put a Flame counter on target Troll. All Dopers get +1/+1 for each Flame counter on each Troll in play. When the number of Flame counters on a Troll is greater than it’s toughness, destroy that Troll and it can’t be regenerated.

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Of course, cards named Nigger and Spic would be equally hilarious, wouldn’t they?

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Oh, please. Pit it if you must, but don’t hijack over that.

obMagic:

Cite, Please
1U
Instant
Target spell’s controller may name all expansions that spell appeared in. If he or she doesn’t, counter target spell.

Sock Detection
BB
Sorcery
Target player sacrifices all Trolls.

Justin

14

Funny stuff. I loved unglued when it first came out, but I got bored with it quick. My inner geek is compelling me to note that there already is a card called rewind.

I was really hoping that guy would win the invitational whose card said only “All penguins are blue”.

Here’s a few:

Llawnmower Elves G, Summon Elf. 1/1 Tap: Put a “Neatly Mown” Token on target Land. Lands produce an extra mana for each “Neatly Mown” token on them.

Mahatmaghandi Djinn 4UU, Summon Djinn, 5/6 flying. Mahatmaghandi Djinn cannot attack. Whenever Mahatmaghandi Djinn blocks, target opponent loses 5 life.

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For inspiration:

http://slithytoves.sytes.net/~dave/namermtg/namermtg.php

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I love it.

For the sake of The Peyote Coyote, I will suggest renaming the card to “Trailer Park Denizen”. I will admit that the term “White Trash” could be construed as too… specific.

Forest For The Trees, Green, Enchantment. Cumulative upkeep: 2. In order to produce one green mana, a player must tap all forests s/he controls. If player does not tap all forests s/he controls, then any forests so tapped produce one colorless mana each. If a player controls any mountains, Forest for the Trees does not affect that player.

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Musical Chairs - Blue Enchantment. Cumulative Upkeep: 1
When Musical Chairs comes into play, all players must arrange all their creatures in a straight line from left to right. When any creature comes into play, put it at the left end of its controller’s line. During each player’s upkeep, that player gives control of his rightmost creature to the player on his right. When Musical Chairs leaves play, destroy target creature.

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Two notes:

-enchantments certainly can tap. However, at this point, no enchantment has ever been printed which includes tapping as an activation cost for an ability.

(A few examples of how to tap enchantments:
-licids
-copy artifact
-soul sculptor
-opalescence)
-There’s also already a card named Tornado

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Oh, and some very outdated and tasteless magic humor:

a black card called OJ Simpson that taps to destroy two target white creatures

And another classic joke is that there’s a version of swords to plowshares which targets players… “Remove target player from the game of Magic. That player gains a life”

20

Cute.

Yeah, I know there’s one called Tornado. That’s why the new one is called Turnado. :wink:

Point taken about enchantments. Minor nitpick (I think): Licids are creatures (is Transmogrifying Licid an artifact or creature?) until they are tapped to activate their enchant-creature ability.

gonzoron, let me get to work on variations on Musical Chairs, such as The Macarena (“I am not trying to enchant you”) and Electric Slide. :smiley: