I’m having somewhat of a hard time deflecting direct questions about my personal life. I work in healthcare, and my job requires that I spend extended periods of time with my patients.(45mins-2 hrs) although these appointments are boring for patients, I have to focus on what I’m doing because I could miss something…
I’m rather introverted, and private by nature and I don’t like sharing personal details, but a lot of our patients feel that we need to entertain them during their exam so they ask lots of personal questions. Some of my coworkers are chatty Cathy’s and share EVERYTHING! (Even details like they’re trying to get pregnant ugh) I already learned the hard way that they also discuss our conversation topics with our attending physician during their follow up appointments. (Which can be embarrassing as that is our boss, and they make a huge deal over mundane things)
How do I handle direct questions about marriage status, where I’m from, what spouse does for a living, if I have children, etc? I know some pple see no harm in this kind of small talk, but I don’t think anyone is entitled to these personal details unless I want to share.
What are some ways of deflecting these very direct questions that I rather not answer??
Is it that you don’t want to tell them specific personal details, or that you don’t want to talk about yourself, period?
When people get personal with me and ask me questions I don’t really want to answer, I give them answer. But I don’t add "extras. Like, if someone asks if I have a boyfriend or if I’m married, I just say no. Then I change the subject as seamlessly as I can.
I have found that if I ask all the questions, people will gladly talk about themselves without really giving me a second thought. So that’s what I do. I’m like the Barbara Walters of the office break room. It sounds like your patients could just be bored and looking for an excuse to talk. Maybe you can distract them with conversations about the weather or current events.
Well you certainly don’t have to tell your patients anything, but you know that bedside manner is important. Perhaps you could work on finding other ways to guide a conversation to topics you might like talking about.
Most docs I have been to have pics of stuff they are really interested in in their office. If you really don’t want to share anything at all about your personal life - or interests - or anything - you don’t have to. But people also don’t have to like you.
I’d find it a little odd that someone who might be giving me a rectal exam was unwilling to share whether they had kids. These are general conversation topics. I don’t usually ask this, but it is kinda like asking where you are going on vacation this year. That is personal too.
Plenty of people REALLY do not care about your personal life - they are trying to be nice.
Does your attending really not know if you are married, have kids, or what not?
Good luck, but I think you’d be better suited to find SOMETHING personal to talk about. Even if you have to make it up. You could probably work on ways of controlling the conversation more. People like to talk about themselves.
Or you can tell people to mind their own business
Hope your hospital doesn’t do patient satisfaction questioniarres…
I remember years ago an author that I liked, Jack Trevor Story, revealed in an article that, for his own amusement, he used to change details of his biographical information for the blurb of his books. So on one book he would born in India, in another England, his father may be a scientist or a sailor. May work for you?
I perform diagnostic exams, so if I’m distracted I can miss something…if I miss something, then the interpreting physician misses it also. One of our chatty Cathy’s is beloved by our patients because she entertains them. However she has missed pathology on several occasions, and as a result the the quality of her exams have been called into question by our physicians. Our patients are taken to surgery or not, based on our exams. And they are not happy when they take a patient to the OR, and discover something that contradicts our exam! For these reasons, I don’t like making small talk at all during exams. The stakes are just too high! I really need to focus on the test that I am performing. We don’t have patient satisfaction surveys, our work performance is based on the accuracy of our studies . (Granted if I were to have a ton of complaints then I’m sure management would look into it)
Aside from those reasons, I don’t like talking about myself because things get blown out of proportion. For example when I first started, everyone wanted to know where I was from…ok I get that, but then I had to deal with everybody saying how exotic my home must be, what an amazing childhood I must have had, how could anybody leave a vacation spot to live here etc. on and on and on! And I just had to smile and nod/because how do I say that despite it being a wonderful vacation spot, locals suffer from extreme poverty, dengue fever, an intolerant society, government corruption, lack of opportunity, high crime rates, the fact that I personally know over 10 pple that have been murderd, etc? I just have to smile and nod because to clarify will only cause more of an issue. This is why I don’t like talking about these seemingly mundane personal things. Sure my sttending physician knows all these facts about me, but when patients spend 5 of their 15 minute appt with him discussing OUR personal life it gets old fast.
Currently I’m giving brief, vague answers to their direct questions, then redirecting the attention in a subtle way back to something related to their exam. Some if them are just relentless though!
Keep in mind that a lot of times when folks say such things it’s just a ritual of polite conversation. A lot of people just feel a need to say something, and it’s not like most people are going to say “Oh yeah, third world countries are total shit holes. I don’t blame you for leaving” even if that’s what they actually think. They’re going to look for something nice to say about your homeland, and they expect you to smile and nod. It’s not about the content of the conversation. Most of them really don’t care much about what you say. It’s just about filling in the silence so things don’t seem awkward or uncomfortable.
That being said, if you don’t want to talk about yourself, your best bet is to ask the other person lots of questions so they fill the time talking about themselves. Most people will be happy to just talk about themselves.
What if you come up with something to occupy the patient during the test? I don’t know what the test is, but anything that gets the patient focusing on it and not pestering you when you have to stay attentive to results would help. Maybe you can add a diagnostic for mental acuity so you can verify whether there has been a change? Get a device of some kind that flashes various light colors and ask the patient to count the blue and red ones and give you a total at the end. Or get a slide projector or video screen and show various still pictures for a couple minutes each, like these: http://www.pnas.org/content/105/38/14325/F1.expansion.html or Sharpen Your Brain: Visual Memory Test - then give a brief quiz at the end and record the results.
That way, the patient will have something to be concentrating on also during your examination and not be so bored, and they will be less inclined to pester you with questions.
Some of us who don’t have kids don’t want to “share” because of odd/uncomfortable/judgmental reactions that can generate.
Some of us without a significant other, or with the “wrong sort” of significant other, don’t want to “share” because of the odd/uncomfortable/judgmental reactions that can generate.
Ditto religion, political affiliation, place of origin, and a host of other things that busy-bodies want to pry into.
Frankly, if someone is giving me a rectal exam I don’t give a damn if they have kids or bugger goats like strawberry ice cream, or collect stamps, the only thing I care about is that they’re competent to do the job.
I guess I could just ask them open questions that have long winded answers, then try to tune them out so I can focus on what I’m doing. That can be hard though because I can only do so much ‘mhhhmm-ing’ ‘wow’ ‘that’s amazing’ before it’s obvious that I’m not really listening to them
Patient asks question.
You answer with a head nod or shake and a semi distracted sounding yes or no, then look at them directly, put on your best dazzling smile and with your warmest, most caring tone of voice say “I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you but this takes a a bit of concentration to get all the correct information. I want to make sure we get it right the first time so your procedure goes as smoothly as possible, and you don’t have to come back and do this all over again” (More winning smile). “I know it’s boring, but I’ll be as quick as I can, and if you have questions about this later I’ll be happy to answer them!”
And then go back to work.
Most people have NO clue how things like this work, all they know is that they are bored, they don’t like silence, and they’re probably scared. A caring-sounding blow-off should keep them happy enough to not complain to your boss.
I think you should just explain that you will need to concentrate on your job in order to read the results properly and give them a magazine. Say it with a smile and I know I’d have no problem with that.
Or what about personal devices, are those allowed? If so, maybe you could encourage them to make use of it.
You might be surprised. People can be pretty oblivious when they are talking about themselves. And you can give a little spiel early on “I have to focus pretty hard on these results; feel free to talk, but if I don’t always respond, it’s because I am triple-checking everything! I am listening!”
If it helps at all, most of the people that are asking you these questions are trying to be nice. They are trying to show that they see you as a person, not just as a faceless tech. They aren’t looking for reasons to judge you, and they aren’t going to spend time thinking about you after they are gone. Somewhere, on some other board, some other tech is bitching “You know I am a person, right?” because all their patients treat them like a cog in a machine, don’t even bother to make a little small talk in a 90-minute session.
One more thing: whatever this screening is, is it for something people may be embarrassed about? A health problem with some sort of negative connotation? If so, the chatting and talking and the trying to connect with you may be related to the fact that deep inside they are screaming: “Don’t judge me please don’t judge me I am a person too! A nice person! I am sorry I am [whatever], I know I didn’t do it right, I know I didn’t do what I was supposed to, I am so embarrassed, so ashamed, so destroyed to even be sitting here. Please don’t go back in the break room and talk about how pathetic I am, how weak, don’t look at me with scorn. Like me! If you like me, you won’t hold me in contempt!”
Honest to god, my back teeth are a mess and when I am at the dentist, that’s my internal monologue. You know how it comes out when I am talking to the tech? “So . . Are you from around here?”
Yes! Thanks for getting it! People just don’t understand that it’s not polite conversation to force a stranger to tell you about their infertility issues when they ask if you have children and why not?? Or to ask if you are married ‘yet’ after seeing that you’re visibly pregnant. Or lecture you when you say you don’t want children. Or judge you when they realize that you’re not married, but not single because you’ve been with your partner for 20+ years. Or pester you with the dangers of an at home birth after they ask if you’re delivering your baby at the affiliated hospital. These are all issues that my coworkers have faced. Yes patients might be bored, but that does not entitle them to a front row seat into our lives.
Gone are the days where people simply want you to be good at what you do. Now they want cucumber water, hand holding, entertainment, and the whole dog and pony show…all while we are expected to evaluate more and more patients, in less time, and still perform highly quality exams. :smack:
