Apollo Creed: We need a big fight for the 4th of July, something that’ll knock their socks off! I’m gonna show them I’m a man of the people and fight a local club fighter, a Philly boy…(grabs book of club fighters) here we go, “the Italian Stallion!” Perfect!
Assistant: (genuinely shocked): Are you kidding me?
Apollo Creed: Of course I’m kidding you! I’m the freaking heavyweight champion of the world! I’m not going to fight a damn club fighter! (room erupts in laughter) Oh, man, that was good. Heh. Anyway, tell me more about this Spinks guy.
Aw, you completely missed the happy ending option.
Carolyn notices that Lester is enraptured with Angela, and makes a mental note. Knowing that she’s been feeling an unexplained need building up inside her, she decides maybe their sex life could use a little shaking up, so she goes shopping for a naughty cheerleader outfit and slips into bed one night wearing it when Lester’s not paying attention. That night, when he begins stroking off to thoughts of Angela, she throws the covers back and says, “Here, Mr. Burnham, let me help you with that!”
They both live kinkily ever after, though Jane begs them to let her soundproof her room.
{Jedi} No problem. I got an expense account with the Queen of a whole damn planet. Here’s a buncha Republic daktaris.
{Dealer} Sorry, no good here.
{Jedi waves hand} Republic daktaris will be fine.
{Dealer} What, you think you’re some kind of Jedi?
{Jedi, exasperated, pulls out lightsabre} Yes, as a matter of fact I am some kind of fucking Jedi. I’ve got a whole fucking planet to save, I’m on a tight fucking schedule, I’ve had a bitch of a day and I’ve got a fucking headache coming on. Now, are you gonna sell me that fucking part or do you want to haggle some more with Mister Shiny here?
{Dealer, weakly} Republic daktaris will be fine.
{Jedi} That’s better. Get the kid over there to wrap it up, and I am outta here.
{Cute kid} Say, are you a Jedi, mister?
{Jedi} Yeah, yeah. Here’s a signed photo. Sorry kid, gotta run.
{Dealer}: What, you think you’re some kind of Jedi?
{Jedi}: I’m offering you enough Republic money to buy a fucking starship. I don’t care if it isn’t good here. Are you too stupid to book transit to the Republic where you can spend it or stay there and live like a fucking king?
{Retarded Child}: Oh right, he could just take the worthless money and change it over for something he does need. I mean you can just fly to the parts of the galaxy where this money is used for less than the cost of a fucking landspeeder.
Or let’s say he can’t beat down a sleazy scrapmerchant {and honestly, can you see Han Solo being held up like that?} and after the kid wins the race, decides he’s gonna take him off to Jedi school.
{Jedi} Hey kid, you’re pretty sharp. Wanna come and learn to be a Jedi?
{Anakin} Sure thing, Mister! Say, can my Mum come too?
{Jedi} Why not? I’m not strictly here to free the slaves and all, but what the heck, there’s plenty of room on the spaceship, and what kind of hero would take a kid but leave his Mum in slavery just because of some dumb dice game I cheated in anyway? If the junk dealer wants a damn slave that badly we can always swap her for that fucking Stepin Fetchit the Frog I picked up the other day. Hell, it’s not like we can get in more in trouble with the critics.
Commission: Are you f*cking kidding us? You’re 60 and have brain damage.
60 Year Old Rocky: Where’s it say a man’s dream gotta end when he’s like you know old and his woman’s dead of woman cancer and the ring is what he know and he wants to make anutha big day fore he dies and I got a kid who’s on HEROES and can’t act but looks great widout his shirt you know what my dream to get in that ring again and even if I get kilt you know what I’m sayin’ man I like eggplant parmesan you ever had it? Yeah I wanna box some more.
Commission: Denied.
60 YOR: Your honors I don’t think you go the rights tell a man that he can’t you know get in the ring…
Commission: You’re wrong. We do. Denied. Buh-bye.
60 YOR: But you know gimme like you know one good reason I can’t get back in the ring you know…
Commission: Because you’re 60 with brain damage. And out of shape. And if you do get killed which is entirely possible we’ll be held criminally liable. Even if you sign a waiver there are liability issues, plus even if there’s no legal liability we’ll feel we killed you and we’ll be crucified in the press for ages- “what were you thinking letting a 60 year old restaurant owner go against the champ?” Plus did we mention you’re 60 and out of shape? And it’s insane and he’ll clobber you and you’ll never recover and you’ve already blown through $100 million so your mind wasn’t that good to start off with, and that was when your wife was still alive to watch your stupid ass. Denied. Buh-bye.
60 YOR: Your honors, I only got one more thing to ask ya…
Commission: Yes?
60 YOR: I was wonderin’ if you y’know reached a decision yet on whether not I can yknow get back in the ring and box again?
Commission: DENIED!
60 YOR: Cause that’s what I wanna do is box again. In the ring. You know I got a restaurant and I’m datin’ this chick was a kid in the first film y’know and I want her to know I got what it takes. Gotta get back in that ring…
Commission: DENIED!
Ends with Rocky being declared mentally incompetent and sent to live at The Country Home for Former Athletes, where he thinks he’s at an autograph show in Pittsburgh.
OR
===================
Rocky is given permission to get back in the ring. He has a major stroke in the second round and dies. His son, played by Milo Ventimiglia, is so devastated he takes his shirt off and walks around giving his “death of loved ones makes Milo sad” expression.
Son: Dad, I’m engaged. And she’s coming down here with her parents for you to meet.
Armand: Okay. We’ll meet them. We’ll be civil.
Son: Dad, her father’s a conservative Republican senator who’ll never understand about you and Albert. So I propose we undertake an elaborate charade to make you seem like a diplomat and we get the mother I’ve never met to pretend she cares about me and pose as a ‘normal’ family even in the wildest chance it works there’s absolutely no way the willful deception can last more than for that dinner and when the truth comes out which it absolutely will have to they’ll know that I’m a complete liar and disown their daughter for marrying me.
Armand: Fuck 'em. I’m not pretending to be straight, Al’s your co-parent, that you’d even think of choosing a birth mother you’ve never seen over him makes me wonder what the hell I did wrong. I’m a successful businessman, all you have to do is type my name onto Lycos or whatever the dominant search engine is in the mid 1990s and you’ll know I’m gay plus as a Senator he can have me investigated to hell and back so it would never work anyway because I’ve never tried to hide the fact I’m gay so again I say 'fuck the senator, fuck his wife, they can accept me or not I don’t give a damn, there will be no subterfuge, and if they refuse to let you marry their daughter then it’s for the best because you’re too young and immature to get married anyway. Next question?
Or-
They go through with the subterfuge. As the Senator (Gene Hackman)'s character is leaving the drag club he sees three of his conservative GOP colleagues dancing with glowsticks and gets propositioned for sex by Larry Craig.
There was, however, some kind of exploding implant mentioned which keeps unfreed slaves from escaping. Which, y’know, two Jedi knights, one force-sensitive mechanical prodigy, and R2-D2 were all surely incapable of circumventing. Slaver implants being used on a backwater rock run by slug mobsters being the pinnacle of high technology, of course.
That movie is an example of plot logic at its very worst: Liam Neeson can’t buy the part he needs to get off Tatooine because, well, he just can’t, and is forced to embark on a ridiculous gambling venture relying on a kid he’s just met because, well, he has to, and taking the kid but leaving the kid’s Mum because, well, y’know. Cough cough. And there goes a third of the film.
Compare it with the original Star Wars. We have to get off Tatooine quickly and quietly. Let’s head to a run-down spaceport and find a ship with a captain who’s not averse to a little smuggling. Sell your old speeder as a down-payment on the fare, and we’ll offer him the rest plus bonus on completion. There: fifteen indelible screen minutes of actual plot. Not the most original of plots, to be sure, but nothing fundamentally wrong with the mechanics of it either, and the execution is pitch-perfect.
Regarding the whole Republic credits on Tatooine thing: I thought the EU explanation was that the Hutt mobsters were running their planets as closed economies, and that foreign currency was ruthlessly suppressed. Maybe Watto could have fenced the credits- at great risk, for maybe 10% of their face value- but decided it just wasn’t worth it.
Or he could have just as easily taken their ship (which he said himself was a very nice one) which I’m sure would have been enough for if nothing else a smaller crapper ship or passage off planet to Coruscant.