What’d you expect? Everyone knows you can’t mix pills and alcohol!!!
OK, sorry…
This made me laugh much harder than it probably should have.
::still giggling::
Er, I meant this post.
…and the bartender says, “Oh, he’s just dancing to the music on his isoPod.”
“Yeah, he’s kind of annoying, but he picks up the cigarette butts.”
“Well, I told him a good way to make friends with everyone was to do a round for the house, but I guess he misunderstood me.”
And the bartender says, “Hey, roly-poly, what are you doing?”
The roly-poly unrolls, looks sheepishly at the bartender, and says, “Sorry, I forgot where I was.”
The bartender says, “Okay, but don’t let it happen again.” He turns to the first guy and replaces his spilled drink, saying: “You good?”
The guy says, “Yeah, thanks.”
The bartender goes back to the other end of the bar.
Then a second roly-poly walks into the bar and sits down next to the first one. They start whispering together. The guy leans over, but he can’t hear what they’re saying.
Then the two roly-polys jump up onto the bar, curl into balls, and start rolling around, knocking people’s drinks over and generally causing confusion.
The guy calls for the bartender. The bartender comes back and says to the two roly-polys, “Come on, guys, what the hell are you doing?”
The two roly-polys flatten out, look at the bartender, look at each other, and return to their seats. “Sorry,” says the first roly-poly. “He forgot where he was and I just couldn’t control myself.”
“Okay,” says the bartender, “but don’t let it happen again.”
“No problem, chief,” says the first roly-poly.
“You got it,” says the second roly-poly.
“All right then,” says the bartender, then gives the guy a fresh drink and goes back down to the end of the bar.
A few minutes later, a third roly-poly walks into the bar, and goes straight to where the first two roly-polys are sitting and joins them. They all lean together and start whispering to one another.
The guy eavesdrops, but he still can’t hear them. He gets up from his stool and goes over to them.
“Excuse me,” he says, “but are you all going to start rolling around on the bar again?”
“Nope,” says the first roly-poly.
“Okay,” says the guy, and goes back to his place.
As soon as he sits down, the three roly-polys bounce up onto the bar, curl into balls, and start rolling around, crashing into things, toppling bottles and spilling ashtrays and making a horrible mess.
The guy goes and gets the bartender again. This time the bartender doesn’t say anything; as soon as he comes back the roly-polys immediately stop, uncurl, and return quietly to their seats.
Without a word, the bartender gives the guy a fresh drink, and goes away again.
A few minutes go by. The guy watches the roly-polys, but they’re sitting quietly, not talking, sipping their drinks in peace, and looking at the television behind the bar.
Then the door opens and another roly-poly comes in, but it’s followed by another, and another. A dozen roly-polys come into the bar, and then another dozen. The guy watches in disbelief as roly-poly after roly-poly marches into the bar, an unending parade of pill bugs, until there are hundreds and hundreds of them, covering the entire floor.
They stand motionless, and then the first roly-poly points right at the guy. He looks out across the bar and finds himself staring into the glinting eyes of hundreds and hundreds of roly-polys, looking back at him.
Then suddenly all the roly-polys curl into balls and start rolling madly around the room, banging into chair legs, tripping people, bouncing off the walls. All except the first roly-poly, who sits on his stool at the bar, watching the guy.
“Jesus,” says the guy, waving for the bartender.
The bartender comes back. “What?”
“Look at this!” says the guy, waving at the chaos around his feet as the hundreds of pill bugs roll around like segmented billiard balls.
“What do you want?” says the bartender. “They’re not on the bar.”
“Yeah!” says the first roly-poly, and then knocks the guy off his stool to the floor, where hundreds of bugs eat his face off.
…Okay, I got nothin’.
At which point the bartender shouts “ok, all of you, out of the bar now! We don’t serve anyone on drugs!”
The first roly-poly says politely “drugs? I can assure you sir, the term ‘pillbug’ is just our nickname…”
The bartender stops him before he goes any further. “No, no, no. That isn’t it at all. Every single one of you must be under the influence of drugs. And don’t try to deny it either for I, myself, witnessed it firsthand. That was clearly a bar bitch you ate.”
Hometownboy has the winner in my book.
My effort:
…the bartender says “Sorry, fellah, I can’t kick him out. You wouldn’t believe how much money we make at the bowling alley!”
So I’m in the “I got nothin’” camp.
A pillbug walks into a bar and asks the bartender. “You got any pills?”
The bartender replies. “Don’t bug me.”
Aw, man. shuffles off
The guy discreetly whispers to the bartender, “Doesn’t that fellow know it’s not polite to roll around on the bar?”
…and the bartender responds, “What, you think he’s been living under a rock?”
A pillbug walks into the Draco tavern, sits down and orders a drink.
Shortly there after the pillbug falls off his barstool onto the bar and starts rolling around knocking over everyone’s drinks. So this guy finally gets up the nerve to say something to the bartender and the bartender says…
“My name’s Rick. Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, it had to walk into mine…”
-“Hey, roly poly, that’s a neat trick. What else have you got?”
-“You want more?” said the roly poly. “Well then, watch this.”
The roly poly pins a match between his legs and rolls over the easily ignitable alcohol on the bar. As he crosses the alcohol, he fires up the match and puts himself on fire. Shrieking like a banshee, he flies towards the wall and yells “I NEVER STRIKE THE SAME PLACE TWIIICE!”
Suddenly he smashes against the wall and drops down to the floor. The bar is completely silent and everybody’s eyes are fixed to the roly poly. The roly poly raises a tiny fore leg and says: “I call it… the rolling thunder.”
Then he died.