OK, you have a zillion dollars and complete casting control. In YOUR sci-fi epic, who takes over the earth in the future, to terrorize time-traveling astronauts? Snails? Pigs? Society Dowagers? My version will be “Planet of the Bette Davis Impersonators.” Astronette Leslie Grossman (late of “Popular”) will be sent into space to crash onto an earth ruled by Bette Davis impersonators (played by The Lady Bunny, Ru Paul, Charles Busch, Lypsinka, et al).
Leslie: “A planet where Bette Davis impersonators evolved from man?!”
Lady Bunny: “Ah’d love ta help ya escape, but Ah just picked mah fleas!”
In a not too distant future, Earth will be ruled by…
Baywatch Bimbos
In Planet of the Lifeguards!!
[TonalDissonance]
Yes, man will devolve into well coiffed, tan, buff lifeguards. Well waxed and lacking in body hair, they are the ultimate anti-apes, simian only in there thinking and articulation.
[/TonalDisssonance]
Note: this film will be ground-breaking in its return to the silent genre, since dialogue would be superfluous. Our actors will only need to look good in spandex. Lots of super-slo-mo running scenes. And as much gratuitous nudity as we can sneak by the censors and still get the kiddies in the theater. And of course, they will all worship David Hasselhof.
In the distant future, singer-songwriter returns to a mysterious planet inhabited by cast members of the once-funny-but-now-only-annoying late night show, Saturday Night Live. Featuring Denny Dillon as Xera, who falls in love with Space Commander Simon, Charles Rocket as Cornelius, who was exiled into the Forbidden Zone for saying “fuck” during a meeting of the Cast Council, and Kevin Neelan as Dr. Zeas, who does nothing humorous or even mildly entertaining throughout the film.
“Damn you, Lorne Michaels! Why didn’t you blow it up? Damn you all to Hell!”
Pandering to every cheesy right-wing stereotype there is! The all-American feel-good movie of the summer! Who cares who’s playing what role, all the bad guys look the same and wear grey overalls. With profiles of Lenin embroidered on them.
I suppose Brad Pitt or George Clooney - nah, scratch George, he rocked in Three Kings - could play the lead astronaut role and we could get whatserface (Seven of Nine woman there) to play the freedom-sympathetic love interest. She’s used to those turncoat roles by now anyway. Also, the implied promise of a gratuitous titty shot should break us even right off the bat - bring the Trekfans swarming in.
It’s gold, baby! Pure gold! Have your people call my people, we’ll do lunch.
It’s the year 2049. A virulent outbreak of botulism has rendered 99% of the populace mute. An evil dictator, going by the name of Lord Mmmpph Mmmmph Mmm has siezed power. The only barrier to his absolute rule is the Silent Resistance. ARE YOU PREPARED FOR
The Planet of the Mimes?!
In space they can’t see you breakdance.
slinks back under his rock and writes on chalkboard 5000 times “Slortar won’t make any more bad mime jokes”
Val Kilmer finds himself on a planet inhabited by Kim Basinger, The Baldwin Brothers, Mac Culkin, and Kevin Costner. Can he find his way back to planet A-List? Special appearance by Charlton Heston. Riveting.
Many years back National Lampoon did Planet of the Naked Women. I know I’d pay to see that one.
How about Planet of the SDMB? “A Planet where Dopers evolved from men? Impossible!”
Starring Chronos as Cornelius, Eve as Doctor Zira, Eutychus55 as Doctor Zaius, and …Cecil Adams as The Lawgiver.
“Get your paws off me…you Damned Dirty Troll!”
Turns out the rocket didn’t manage the fifty-nine million billion mile journey, and most of its fuel went into catapulting it around the space-time continuum until it finally came to rest on Uranus, in the only period when it was inhabited…
PLANET OF THE BUMHOLES.
Enormous arses, fighting against the torso creatures (come on… two nipples and bellybutton DOES look kinda like a face). The arrival of humans, in whom both arse and torso combine to form a relatively single-minded whole, makes the whole population quite thoughtful and everyone has a Disney moment regarding the futility of war. FOR ABOUT THREE SECONDS. THEN THE US, LED BY PRESIDENT HARRISON “KILL GARY OLDMAN” FORD, INVADE AND WIPE OUT EVERYTHING COLOURED RED, WHILE FOLLOWED AROUND BY ANY NUMBER OF SCAMPERING PUPPIES WITH THE HEAD OF TONY BLAIR.
Charlton Heston rides up to find that the Statue of Liberty is being dismantled, as it is an illegal structure which might affect property values. The film ends with him receiving a citation for not curbing his horse.
Planet of the Grapes:
California raisins sing and you better applaud.
Planet of the Capes:
Like modern day Earth, but everyone must wear a cape or be a slave.
Planet of the Crepes:
French Cooking…but is that HUMAN FLESH between those thin pancakes?
Planet of the Drapes:
Those with curtains rule, those without are seen by all!
Planet of the Tapes:
Imagine a land where DVD is scorned…
Planet of the Shapes:
Why did we ever let the globs overrun the planet?
Planet of the Landscapes:
Fortunately the astronaut could paint, but he must be careful lest the “Old Masters” see the numbers through the lighter shades!
Moms rule the world, and grown-up men everywhere are tied to the apron strings.
Then along comes our hero, who insists on growing the perfect 3-day stubble, belching, and leaving socks on the floor! He refuses to use coasters! Eats pizza and beer that have been sitting on the table for 2 days!
