Inspired by the doper who’s sig. line is “When life hands you harlequins, make harlequinade”, I’m curious with what other gems of wisdom fellow dopers have to offer.
Mine is “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and tedious.”
His is better but the real object of this is to see if others can do better.
Mods- I’m not sure if this belongs here or Cafe Society. Please move it if you feel so moved.
“When the going gets tough, the smart ones delegate.”
The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest with sharp knife.
Forget whatever else you’ve heard…
You can get away with doing surprisingly little at work if you show up when you are suppose to.
The early bird gets the worm. The bird on time gets pie.
The cynic’s proverbs:
The meek shall inherit nothing.
Honesty is the best policy if you want to get fired, divorced or beaten up.
A bird in the hand will leave you looking for a tissue.
A nail sticking up will be hammered down over and over again until it relinquishes independent thought and conforms to ignorant mainstream notions.
When the cat’s away, you don’t have to clean out the catbox.
“The early bird gets the worm” just goes to show the worm should have stayed in bed.
Or, if the worm is of the “night crawler” variety, it should have returned to its lair earlier instead of agreeing to that “one more for the tunnel” drink. 
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Probably in summer school.
The sqeaky wheel gets the grease… because the obedient wheels got all the bacon.
If silence is golden, music studs it with gems.
Procrastinator’s Proverbs
Never put off until tomorrow what you can get somebody else to do for you today.
There’s no time like the present for putting things off.
“When life hands you power, make powerade?”
I like. My variation was always “early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and tired.”
I thought of "a bird in the hand is worth… whatever bird shit in your hand is worth.
“Surly to bed and surly to rise …” (with props to Stan Freburg)
Don’t start fights you can’t win and don’t ask questions you don’t want answered.
Most people are basically pricks.
When life has you by the balls, scream. Scream real loud. Like a little girl, if you have to.
A few well-known variations to “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”:
" Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder."
" Absence makes the heart go yonder"
“Never sniff the inside of a hat.”
You are what you eat, and I want to be a pig.
You are what you drink, and I’m a bitter man.
(Not mine.)
Life isn’t all head-in parking: sometimes, you have to parallel.
(When I was in college I wrote a radio play called Hotel Maxim, about the company – Maxim – that’s behind all of the best-known proverbs and sayings in the world. When you accept a job there you find out that you can’t ever leave, because it can’t ever be known that a corporation is behind what everyone else thinks is folk wisdom. And by “can’t ever leave,” I mean that you give up your family and friends, sleep in Maxim-provided dormitories, and never interact with the general public again. Anyway, I came up with “life isn’t all head-in parking” back then. Kinda dumb, but the play won a departmental award. :))
All work and no play makes Jack a dull but rich boy who can take early retirement.
The unexamined life is worth living, as long as you don’t examine it.