Making Peace with Being Single - Suggestions?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’ve spent a lot of my life in pretty much the same state as you describe your friend being in. I feel fortunate that, some years ago, I found someone that I’ve been living happily with ever since.

If by “find a way to make peace with being single”, you mean get to a point where she accepts and is happy with the idea of being single for the rest of her life, I think that’ll never happen. There are people who can be permanently single, and others who just can’t. She sounds like she’s of the latter group, and trying to get her to change that most likely won’t work. Those who have responded on this thread that they’re happy being single, that’s great, more power to ya. But not everyone can be that way, and if someone isn’t then they’re not, period.

Also, a lot of the advice given here: join a club, get a hobby, join a church group, focus on work, etc. are, you’ll have to pardon me for being blunt, just trite. I heard that kind of advice from friends for years and years, and it doesn’t help.

I think the way you can help your friend is not to try to get her to “make peace with being single” but rather to help her to realize that things take time. She’s not going to find a good man RIGHT NOW, it’s just not going to happen. She needs to accept that finding the right person takes time, and it takes work. And it almost certainly requires that she go out with a lot of wrong men. And, unless she gets really lucky, probably requires going through one or more disappointments of thinking she’s found the right man, only to find that he doesn’t think she’s the right woman. None of that is pleasant to hear or think about, but it’s most likely the reality.

What she needs, and what you can help her with, is patience. She has to accept that it’s going to take time, and that jumping into a relationship (or just bed) with the first not-a-total-loser that comes along isn’t going to make her happy in the long run. And if she starts down a path of getting involved with someone that you know she’s just “settling for”, you, as a good friend, may have to take on that thankless task of trying to show her the error of her ways. And as hard as that might be, it may also be the best thing you can do to help her.

22

I’m not sure that this is a simple duology, where the people who can be happy as singles line up on the right, and those who can’t line up on the left. I think there is a spectrum of human behavior, with hermits on the far right, sponges on the far left, and healthy and happy people at a variety of places in the middle. And some not so happy people at various places in the middle.

I’m a little hesitant to diagnose, based on a single post on a message board, whether this woman’s problem is more that she’s alone and she’ll never be happy alone–in which case she needs advice on how to meet a better class of potential dates to reject-- or that having been in a long term relationship she’s having trouble feeling complete by herself–in which case spending time with people who are content as singles might help.

23

I’ve heard this from older (45+ years old) women before too, including even my own mother. (Who nonetheless remarried, albeit to a man 17 years her junior.)
I suspect that, like my mother, if the right man came along all these women would change their tune. All opinions are based on a set of circumstances and assumptions, and those can change.

Oddly, I broke up with my last girlfriend partly because I didn’t want her to take care of me. She went to great lengths to explain to me that she enjoyed cooking me dinner, making me comfortable, etc., but I just could never relax about those things. It just never felt right. I suspect the opinions these older women have could be a generational thing. I’m 30 years old, and I know few guys around my age who expect their wives/girlfriends to “take care” of them, although I suppose it could depend on how one defines the term. But I think modern men are a lot less into being taken care of by women than older generations were.

24

I’m not human?

There are a few reasons, one that I’ve mentioned before is I won’t because I’m not ‘perfect’ yet, and can’t because I’ll never be ‘perfect’. Or, to explain it slightly differently, I never consciously involve another person in personal problems. I’m fairly sure that’s a dealbreaker for most relationships(friend or otherwise) beyond the simple “friendly lunch”.

Another reason is that I have nothing to offer. I never have had favorites, I’ve never been more attached to one object, person, or thing than another. As a result, no one will ever be more important to me than someone else.

Those two reasons, combined with others I have not mentioned, preclude the possibility of a romantic, or friendly, relationship. Accepting the implications of my positions allows me to head off any thoughts or feelings that would try to pull me in the other direction.

25

Also another member of the “permanently single” club chiming in. It’s true that one may be happier when in love, but you also give up pieces of yourself for it. Celebrate yourself and be happy with it. Be comfortable in your own skin. Nobody needs anyone else to be complete. That’s fairy tale talk.

26

Another singleton here. I’d love to be in a relationship and have children, but at 40 with nary so much as a kiss, I’ve accepted that it’s not going to happen. So I dote on my niece and nephew.

27

I don’t get this “perfect” thing you speak of. Dude, we all deal with other people’s “personal problems” to some degree. It’s part of being in a relationship and is definitely not an automatic deal breaker (unless the problem is, say, hiding bodies in the crawl space or building dirty bombs in the basement). I don’t know where your standards come from, but we all drag our history into our relationships.

You might find you can develop “favorites” if you hang out with someone long enough to really get to know them.

28

What do you attribute this to? I hear this often enough from people that I think if they all got together, there’d be 100 megaton love explosion. There’s someone out there for you. You need to look in different places for him/her.

29

Roadfood, I’ve been thinking a lot about your post, and while I think we’re in near-complete agreement, I just wanted to mention that I don’t think most people are suggesting that she should make peace with being alone for the rest of her life. I mean, it could happen, but it’s actually pretty unlikely. Speaking only for myself, I just meant that she shouldn’t give up, but she also shouldn’t settle. I think that right now she’s panicking, and inclined toward bad decisions, and should probably take a step back and focus on making her life one that she can enjoy alone.

I’ll grant you that “join a club, yadda yadda yadda” is trite. And it probably *won’t * work if you’re actually doing it in hopes of meeting your soulmate there. But involving yourself in things that interest you on their own merits, is way better than sitting around the house bemoaning your sad single life. You have to be an interesting person to interest people. If the only thing you’re interested in is finding a spouse, people can smell it, and no one wants to feel that their date is looking at them and thinking “well, you’ll do”, or worse, “it doesn’t really matter who *you * are, because I’ll only ever acknowledge the parts of you that fit into my life’s plan of finding *someone * to live happily ever after with”. I’ve been out with that guy. He was seriously creepy.

I’m not sure I can accept that there are people who can *only * be happy when they’re partnered. That implies that they’re happier in a bad relationship than in none, and that’s just crazy talk. I agree that life is better when you have someone to share it with, but it has to be the right someone, and there has to be enough life there for two.

30

No way.

31

Right on (yes, I’ve dated Mr. “Eh, I Guess You’ll Do” too). I think this is what people are referring to when they say that you have to “stop looking” in order to find someone.

As I mentioned, I’m single and don’t expect to ever get married, so I’m not some smug coupled person who doesn’t realize how hard dating can be. Nonetheless, I don’t believe in ruling anything out either.

A quick browisng of your posting history shows that you seem to be a reasonably intelligent person, which means you definitely have something to offer in a relationship. :slight_smile: This is a big world with all kinds of folks in it. The odds are that somewhere out there is someone of your preferred gender who would think you were an interesting person to be around and enjoy your company regardless of any imperfections you have. As Kalhoun commented, relationships are never “perfect”. Sometimes imperfections make someone more loveable, because it makes them seem more human and real than if they were some goody-two-shoes who never did anything wrong. :slight_smile: Personally, I wouldn’t want to date a guy who is perfect, since I’m not perfect myself and could never live up to the pressure of pretending to be perfect. I think most people out there in the dating world are looking for someone imperfect whose flaws complement our own. :slight_smile:

32

I don’t understand what this means. Seriously. I’m not being snarky at all, I just have to ask, you really don’t prefer the company of any one person over any other, regardless of their respective qualities? There’s nothing and no one that you like better than the alternatives? You have no preferences and no opinions? You’re incapable of experiencing an orgasm and a broken bone differently?

Especially in relation to this. If you have no feelings for others, then what’s pulling you in the other direction?

Again, I’m not trying to give you a hard time, I’m just baffled and curious.

33

I agree with your assessment. tell her to grow up. Her first marriage was the direct result of her current attitude of needing immediate resolution of her “problem”. She doesn’t need a man, she needs a vibrator to get her through the interviewing process until she can find someone who loves her.

The best thing you can do is convince her that she is worthy of love and respect. And if need be you can also validate her need to be seen as desirable if she’s fallen off the “self-confidence” wagon.

34

It has more to do with attachment than preferences. I don’t get attached to things, people or otherwise. Certain people might be better for certain things, but that doesn’t mean I’ll miss them when they’re gone. I’m not ‘attached’ to the idea of having an orgasm. It’s simply another feeling. At certain times, I may want to have one, but I’m not going to miss it if I can’t. Similarly with pets; I may spend lots of time with one, but when they’re gone, they’re gone. I don’t miss them; I’m not sad because they’re gone. I’m also not happy when they’re around, but that’s a different matter.

Lonliness. Boredom. Mainly boredom…I’m still waging war against that one.

That is why it’s a dealbreaker. I will not share my problems with someone else, unless I have no other choice. The result of that position is that I’m not going to be in a relationship with another person, since being in a relationship requires that I share those problems.

35

A number of things. Foremost is a severe sense of humour bypass: I simply can’t make a joke. I have no sense of comic timing. Not much of a sense of timing anyway, for that matter. I’m not much of a conversationalist either, despite my best efforts.

36

Yeah, I think we’re in agreement. That’s why I think the best way that a friend can help is by encouraging patience (the “take a step back” that you refer to), and trying to keep the person from settling. The latter, though, can be really difficult. To you, the friend and outside observer, it might be totally obvious and clear as anything that this is the wrong man for your friend, that she really isn’t going to be happy with him. But your friend, especially if she’s in that panicky mode, isn’t going to see that, at least not easily. And trying to get her to see that could very well risk your friendship. But, I think, being willing to do the really hard stuff is what makes a real friend.

Yup, again, I completely agree. What I meant about the “join a club” stuff is that people would tell me that that’s what I should do in order to meet someone but, as you say, going into some activity with your mind on finding someone there is unlikely to work. On the other hand, doing things because you just want to do them, and/or with the mindset that it can help you get your mind OFF of the search for a date, I think that’s great.

37

Ok, but my main piece of advice was that she needs to have patience, and that a good friend should help her to realize that and help her to acheive it. And I think that will help the person no matter which of the two camps you mention she falls into. If she needs to meet a better class of date, she first needs to have some patience because meeting a better class will take time. If she’s having trouble feeling complete by herself, she needs to have patience because working on that takes time, too. In either case, feeling panicky and like she NEEDS to find someone NOW is more than likely going to lead her to make bad decisions, or to drive away the good men that she does meet.

38

Roadfood,
Fair enough. I was too annoyed by the suggestion that some people just aren’t made to be happy without a partner to pay much attention to the “have patience” advice. (Not sure why it struck such a nerve, but it probably isn’t your fault.)

39

fessie, what’s stopping you from introducing her to suitable men?

40

Mostly the fact that I don’t know any. I’m a SAHM and live in a different state, 3 hrs away (and she’s very much committed to the place where she’s living).

Roadfood, I actually agree with you. I know, it’s amazing for both of us. :smiley: Patience is what I’ve been urging. I think that meeting “Mr. Right” at the present moment would be an utter waste, since I don’t think she’s ready for him anyway (for the reasons everyone has already detailed).

It only makes sense (this is one of the arguments I offered) that a person has to go through a period of transformation in order to make different choices in the future. A person can’t say “Oh, I know BCDEF and chose Spouse #1. Now I’m ready for Spouse #2 and thanks to my painless divorce I still have BCDEF to work with.” She needs new knowledge, of herself and of the world, if she’s going to find Spouse #2 (unless she wants to just repeat the past, which she’s indicated she does NOT want to do).

Yes, Sugarandspice, she is in therapy, with someone she trusts.

DianeG, your point about “not being anyone’s most important person” is probably spot-on. It’s very poignant.

Sorry I’m not quoting all of you individually - you’ve all made interesting and insightful points. I need to turn this thing off and go to sleep. Thanks so much for your help!