A dear friend of mine is going through a terrible time and I feel so powerless to help her. I can’t even relate to her dilemma, as I have the opposite one.
I know that there are a fair number of single Dopers, so I thought I’d ask for suggestions.
My friend and her husband of 10 years divorced in 2005, quite amicably. She describes it as “there was no third act” which I think is true, things had simply run their course. She also says she was never really in love with him, which I have a hard time believing because they seemed so compatible (they never fought and did all kinds of things together). But maybe it was more “sister-love” all along, I don’t know.
Well, now she’s a mess. She says that she’s terrified of living the rest of her life alone and that’s why she’s depressed.
The guys she’s met online have been sleazebags and booty calls. The most recent one was a major pothead who kept saying he’d quit. One before that was carrying on with teenagers, on the sly. The very first one she met online was married!
She is so desperate for resolution on this thing NOW, she wants a MAN. I think she’s damned fortunate NOT to be dating anyone given her mindset. She’s absolutely RIPE for being taken advantage of.
Nothing I say (and I’ve said a lot) has the least effect on her.
Is there anything I can say to help her find a way to make peace with being single? Her family is totally supportive, btw, none of that “when are you gonna get married again?” pressure.
In college, I had an instructor that offered everyone a C not to take the final. Then he said “If you settle for a C, you WILL pass this class, but you’ll never get an A.”
For some reason, that popped into my head ~15 years later, after a painful divorce and years of being single again and my family wondering why I wasn’t getting married: if I settled for a man just to have a man, I’d never get an A.
Best to you and your friend.
Well, I’m chronically single, don’t expect to ever get married, and I’m okay with that, so I guess I’ll give my two cents. I don’t think you can really talk someone out of feeling that way. The best thing I think you can do is just to encourage her in other avenues of finding fulfillment and keeping busy. Make socializing with her a priority so she knows that other people do care about her. If you know of some hobby she’s into, you migjht encourage her to take a class, join a club, etc. that’s dedicated to that hobby to hopefully encourage her to expand her social circle. I think having solid friendships are a big part of being happy without a romantic relationship.
A few months ago I read a book called Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. The book tries to pick apart all those stereotypes like “OMG you’ll die alone and miserable!” that long-time singles face and I thought it was quite comforting. If you can find a way to suggest that book to her, it might help her feel less pressured to settle for any random loser who shows up.
Hope it works out for her.
Thank you lavenderviolet! I’ll send her a link. We don’t live in the same city anymore, it’s really difficult to help her out. She does have a fabulous career.
I’m another of the permenantly single people. For me, it was realizing that I can’t, and then deciding that I won’t, have an SO that helped the most. I don’t think that’d help much with your friend, but I figured I’d throw it out there.
If she hasn’t listened to you yet, I doubt she’ll begin. You could haul out one of the heavies - if she likes Dr. Phil, point her to the Dr. Phil links on how to manage after a divorce. Or hunt around Oprah’s site if she likes Oprah. Or get her a good book by a genuine ‘expert’ (since, clearly, she’s not counting you as one) that explains why a woman needs to be whole in and of herself in order to be ready for a relationship.
As another of the permanently-single, I wish I could help. I’ve been trying to make peace with singlehood for a long time, but it isn’t easy. The best I can suggest is a decent job, interesting and absorbing hobbies, and good friends.
However, as I write this, something occurs to me.
One of my biggest problems is that I get ‘stuck in my head’ and my thoughts whirl around and around in the same old self-negating cycle. To break away from that, I had to do something non-mental, instead of trying to analyse myself and fix my thoughts by using my thoughts. I had to do something different, not something more.
I chose exercise. It shuts off my chattering mind, ends the cycle of negative thoughts, and gives me pure physical sensation. And there in the gym, I don’t need to worry about finding anyone; the machines are there and waiting.
It can be very difficult to get over that hump of inertia and actually get to the gym, but once there, it’s worth it.
She’s already been divorced for two years? I don’t know if this will apply then, but what helped me post-divorce was forcibly replacing the negative thoughts (I’m lonely, no one loves me, I’ll never get laid,etc) with positive ones. Like “I get to pick what channel. I’ll do those dishes when I want to, no recriminations. No arguing about money. I can sprawl in bed. I’m going to pick up and go on a weekend trip without any negotiation whatsoever, just because I can.” type stuff. There’s always a friend or relative with drama in their relationship to look at and think “whew, at least I’m not going thru that.” about.
Sometimes I really had to search to find something positive about being single, but it worked. I stopped having to scrape rationalizations together and really started appreciating the advantages. It was a very concious decision to be in the moment and choose to be happy.
Now, over a decade later, I’m happily partnered again and I really think if I’d spent the interim years lonely and unhappy I’d be bitter and would never have found my current relationship happiness. Who wants to date someone who’s needy and depressed and bitter all the time, right?
fessie, I don’t know how much you can really help, but you’re a good friend.
There is, IMO, ONE feeling that comes from being firmly partnered, that most people don’t think about until they aren’t anymore, and then miss it terribly. It’s the feeling that you’re the most important person in the world to someone. It’s a simple but powerful affirmation, and when it’s gone, it’s hard. I ended a ten year relationship last year, and every day I’m glad that I did. I *like * being single, and on the whole I’m a pretty happy person, but I’m nobody’s Most Important Person, and that feeling sneaks up on you every once in a while and sucks out loud. That’s what your friend is going through right now, and no one can really help her with that. It’s something you just accept and live with.
Like others have mentioned, the key to being a happy single person is to be a happy person. Have stuff in your life that you care about and enjoy. And realize that every once in a while, you’re still going to be lonely, and feel unsure about your personal worth and your place in the scheme of things. Of course, in my experience, being in a relationship doesn’t really make any of those feelings go away, either. But when you’re single, it’s easy to forget that.
When all else fails, it might not hurt to remind her that being alone is vastly preferable to being with the wrong person. That’s why she got divorced.
I’ve recently gotten involved with a group of singles through my church. The group is 90% female, and ranges in age from 27 to 80ish. Those at the younger end are mostly never married, haven’t ruled it out, but don’t seem to be meeting anyone to make us change our minds. Those who are older are mostly widowed/divorced/both. Many have children and grandchildren. A few have aging parents.
Our activities have been a great way of giving us a chance to do things that one would probably not do by oneself.We’ve done a variety of activities from watching a movie to riding bikes, and recently several of us went on a “road trip” to a semi-local Flower Festival.
I’m at the young end of the group, and am not (yet) entirely at peace with being single. But it can be fun to listen to some of the older ladies, with similar and different experiences, expresses the firm opinion that they will not marry again, because men are just after someone to take care of them. Been there, done that.
I don’t know that our group would be right for your friend. And I suspect there are a lot of singles’ groups through churches which are a little more gung-ho on the spiritual side of things, which may or may not appeal. But I bet your friend would benefit from seeing a bunch of women older than she is and living a complete life without a husband
Did she meet these men through a datingsite or just through online conversation?
I’d say, if she puts up a profile with a nice picture on a regular datingsite, like eharmony or match.com, she has a big chance of meeting a regular nice guy looking for a serious relationship. And fast.
As her friend, you could help her setting the ad up, adjusting the wording to describe her pre-desperate lovely self.
If you are afraid she’ll attract types who will take advantage of her, the best remedy is to take the initiative: browse profiles of nice men and send them an e-mail.
I love being single and I have no intention of getting married again.
I believe people live too much in their imaginations. I used to always imagine how wonderful it would be to have a big, strong man sweep me off my feet in all the ways they do in romantic comedies. I used to imagine a couple of clean, well-behaved, and loving children who smiled at me and did what I told them to.
Then I met reality. Men, in my experience, aren’t usually falling over themselves to make your life wonderful. Speaking only for myself, men have always ended up making my life worse instead of better.
To paraphrase Eureka, do you really want to spend your declining years taking care of an old man? Because more likely than not, the woman’s going to be the one taking care of the man, regardless of their relative health conditions.
I have a good, fulfilling job and lots of friends. If I want children around me, my friends have children. I’m a nice enough and interesting enough person that people will visit me and spend time with me even if they’re not related to me.
If my job were less fulfilling, I’d go back to doing volunteer work at an animal shelter.
My backup plan in the event that I get really old and nobody is interested in me anymore is to join a church. They take care of people. They’ll take all your money when you die, but you’ll be dead, so what of it?
I have no advice for you on how to help your friend, but you can at least bring me up as “a woman you know who wouldn’t get married again if you paid her.”
Why do so many people (and it seems like more women then men) think that if they find some person all their problems and doubts will go away and they will live the rest of their lives happy? Too many movies and fairy tales I think.
You are still you regardless if you have a SO or not. If your sad and lonely, you’ll be just and sad and lonely with a boyfriend, you’ll just make him miserable too.
Why can’t you out of curiousity? Are you hideously deformed or a serial killer or some kind of Frankenstein monster or something?
You have to realize that “this is your life.” Not that your life will begin when you meet the right person. Your life might change when you meet someone, but you have to live it now.
Do what you want. Go to movies, shows, restaurants alone. Go out with a group of couples if you want, and don’t feel ashamed at being the only single person there.
Fix up your house to your specifications. Listen to your music. Watch your favorite movies and TV shows. Stay up late and get up early. Stay up all night and sleep all day. Don’t clean if you don’t want it. Wear the clothes you like. Eat what you like.
Sometimes I wonder why people want to live with someone else.
Has she expressed what it is that she wants a man so badly for? Sex? Companionship? Because people expect her to? Because she feels incomplete or unlovable without one? It gives her an identity? All of the above?
Only some of those seem valid to me. But I don’t know how to talk someone around from believing the others.
I would like company sometimes but living with someone would be a huge adjustment at this point. But I am lucky to have friends and family who don’t expect me to get married or have children.
The thing with making peace with being single is… you have to be steadily single for awhile. No dating, no seeking, just focusing on yourself and your life.
At least that’s how it worked for me. As a teen I was single, but I wasn’t interested in the guys around me. I was dealing with my own issues. When I was almost 19 I fell into a whirlwind of hookups and short-term relationships for several years and fell in love with an older man. In 2003 for various reasons I left, and since I moved to a new town (so I knew no one) and had new responsibilities I just stopped seeking.
It allowed me to focus on what was important in my life, important to me. Made new friends, took up new hobbies (or rather old ones that I had dropped when I was a teen) and tried not to focus on what I missed. Which was definitely being someone’s one and only, going to sleep and waking up in someone’s arms, doing the fun things together etc. I found that I could enjoy them on my own or with friends and the last year I’ve found I am quite happy. I do miss those things, still do, but it’s not often because I learned I could enjoy them without having a man beside me.
And what’s funny is that now that I am happy with being single… I have a date tonight. An honest to god one, not just a hook up or some sleezy guy trying to get into my pants like in the past.
A singles activity group would definitely help her though. Get her out of the house and doing things and enjoying herself without requiring a guy around will help.
I’ve been in and out of relationships. They’ve all been long-term ( I wouldn’t know a one night stand if I tripped over one, and nor would I want to). All I can say is that, currently single, I’m tempted to say being single is better.
But it’s not. And nor is it worse.
Speaking honestly, I can’t decide. THere’s certainly nothing WRONG with being single, and for every way that it sucks, it also kicks arse. So, it’s pretty much a non-issue for me.
Is she seeing a counselor or anything? I mean, it sound like she’s depressed. I know that’s probably not much insight for you, given that you already said, to quote, “she’s depressed”. But you’ve said that she’s really having trouble getting her life back together, and from her dating habits you can see that she’s not seeing things from the right perspective. So I’m thinking her problems run a little deeper than the typical single-woman anxiety. I mean, I know a lot of women who REALLY don’t like being single, and it wouldn’t hurt them to take up pottery or something, but they’re not out dating potheads and other letting their lives spin out of control. My point is that if she really is having trouble functioning in her daily life, then she should probably see someone. Easier said than done, though. I wish her well, and I also think you’re a good friend. I love friends like you.
She needs to relax. If she hangs out at the right places and makes her availability known (subtly, please) she’ll meet someone. It’s not a race. She may not meet him for a few years, but so what? It’s time to develop the person someone else wants to fall in love with.
I don’t think you can really talk someone out of feeling that way. The best thing I think you can do is just to encourage her in other avenues of finding fulfillment and keeping busy. Make socializing with her a priority so she knows that other people do care about her. If you know of some hobby she’s into, you migjht encourage her to take a class, join a club, etc. that’s dedicated to that hobby to hopefully encourage her to expand her social circle. I think having solid friendships are a big part of being happy without a romantic relationship.