We’ve all got them, right? Minor things other people do that nonetheless fill you with murderous rage? Well, as the newly-appointed Minister for Justice you get to come up with suitable punishments for repeat offenders - but the punishment must in some way fit the crime. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Waiting till you’re standing in front of the tube barrier before looking for your ticket Punishment: We give you a non-functioning ticket and force you to stand in front of a ticket barrier swiping it again and again while I poke you with a cattle prod till you cry, or I get bored.
Telling stories that include the phrase “the funny thing was” and then failing to be funny. Punishment: You’re forced to do a nightly stand up routine in front of a particularly tough and well-armed crowd until you realise that you are not, nor ever will be, in the least amusing.
Making an overly-loud glugging noise in your throat when drinking Punishment: I drown you in the beverage of your choice. Harsh, yes, but I really hate that noise.
Middle-class parent with over-privileged offspring who you allow to run amok in nice pubs and restaurants, occasionally weakly bleating “Sebastian, Arabella, don’t do that darling” but only when you catch the death stares from other customers? Punishment: We arm the little sods with rifles and throwing stars and teach them to use them. You either learn how to control them or get shot. If you’re the sort who allows your son to have long girly hair as well, I’m shaving it off first so it doesn’t harm his aim.
Early 20s, think you know it all and are annoyingly smug and superior about it? Punishment: Alright, smugface, I’m sending you off to be a guidance counsellor to Jeremy Kyle participants (non-UK Dopers - think Jerry Springer but tackier). But I’m sewing your lips up first so you have no choice but to shut up and listen.
Not so innocuous, this one…
Racist bigot who goes on about how immigrants should go back to where they came from? Punishment: We’re finding whichever hellhole your ancestors climbed out of, and sending you back to live there. Here’s the twist though – we’re sending you back to it in the same condition they left it. Ancestors Irish peasants who eked out barely-a-living on the land? Enjoy the potato famine you bstrds. That’ll teach your great-great-great grandparents to try and better themselves and change their lives.
Exiting elevators or escalators and then immediately stop blocking everyone behind you. Punishment Shoulder to the centre of your back propelling you either down the escalator, across the lobby into a wall and/or flat on your face on a hard surface. Repeat offenders are not allowed to rise and must be used as carpet by the crowd. Spike heels will be used as necessary.
People who while in their cars cut people off, don’t signal lane changes or turns - generally behaving as though their time is more valuable than the rest of the population. Punishment We don’t just revoke your license - any vehicle you enter immediately shuts off. Learn to walk.
I rather agree with the occasionally-posted signs in knickknack stores and the like that say, “Any children left unsupervised will be given an espresso and a free puppy.” That’ll fix 'em.
Offense: failing to take the right-of-way when it’s yours to take, and waving others through rather than going yourself.
Punishment: Offenders will be sentenced to five years of missing the first act of plays, the first quarter or period of sporting events, the first half-hour of movies, or similar. They must park in the farthest space, and their seat will always be behind a pillar.