Male speculation particularly appreciated

In My Humble Opinion
1

But females can chime in too…

A 23 year old woman, Susan, and a 22 year old male, Bill, have been close, but strictly platonic friends for four years. They are in college and live in separate dorms. Both are Christians and virgins and intend to remain so until marriage. He is not seriously involved with anyone but does occasionally see a girl, Maddie, from his hometown. Bill invites Maddie up for Homecoming and she stays with Susan, who is also an old friend on a very casual basis.

Bill and Susan have gone to church together, driven back to their hometown together from college, gone for walks, and depended on each other in many ways. They’ve had long and serious talks about life and love and marriage. But they have never dated or even kissed.

Over the four year period, Susan has slowly fallen in love with Bill. She believes that he does not suspect her feelings at all, but also believes that it would be unfair not to tell him and unfair to herself to continue to see him without her feelings being returned.

One day she spends a long time telling him of her love for him. He seems touched by her feelings, her honesty and even the few tears that slip by. She senses that he has genuine respect for her. When all is said, he leaves, sweetly wishing her a happy life.

For two or three weeks, she leaves her room only for classes and meals. Eventually, she and a girlfriend go out to dinner. When she returns to the dorm, she finds out that Bill has been by looking for her.

He does not come by again and he does not call.

Two years later they run into each other at a soccer game. Both are with someone else, but there is a very long and loving look exchanged. They do not speak. Neither of them know where the other now lives.

Two or three years later, he marries Maddie, the girl from back home.

Susan runs into them together briefly. Maddie, who had always been warm and friendly, is extremely cold to her. None of them ever meet again.

Why did Bill come back to the dorm to see Susan after two or three weeks?

Why was Maddie cold when they met years later?

2

a) Because he wanted to make sure things were OK between them

b) Because he made the mistake of telling Maddie that Susan once had the hots for him.
Max.

PS is this a trick question??

3

Male speculation powers, activate!

A) Bill came back looking a single solitary time, a couple weeks after making his initial choice, because of being a little drunk. Possibly literally, more likely figuratively–it is entirely possible to be non-sober on doubts and second-guessing oneself. He went home again when she wasn’t there, “slept it off” so to speak, and came to the conclusion when more sober that his initial choice (“I can’t return these feelings.”) was the right one. The figuratively-drunken experience was taken as a clear demonstration that he wasn’t going to be able to be so steadfast as he probably initially thought he’d be able to be, and that it was best if he kept his distance. Arguably not the bravest or most right of the ways of handling things, but understandable.

B) At some point, or most likely over a series of points, Maddie gained a fuller sense of the history between Bill and Susan. She now knows Susan as The Woman I Almost Lost Bill To. So she reacts by being cold, as a way of ensuring that distance is maintained. Again, arguably not the bravest or most right of ways of handling things, but perfectly human and understandable.

4

Both of the previous posters make good points. I would add that during the period before Susan told Bill about her feelings, there may have been more going on between Bill and Maddie than “he does occasionally see a girl, Maddie, from his hometown.” I don’t mean sexually, but as I read the story I thought of “Bill & Maddie” as one of those dates-of-convenience relationships where you go to the dances because neither of you likes anyone else but you’re still just good friends.

It turns out, though, that Bill & Maddie got married, which suggests that while Bill and Susan were being all buddy/buddy and Susan was silently falling for Bill, Maddie was non-silently falling for Bill. Just a WAG on my part, of course.

Zoe, forgive me for being presumptuous, but the impression I get here is that you’re Susan and something has recently brought this story back to your mind? Just curious.

5

The maybe he… maybe I want situation that ends up no where. If they had both gotten on with it they might have found they were not compatible and no problems would remain or they would have stayed together.

 Good Luck solving platonic loves...
6

A romantic WAG from a male perspective.
First one Q I would like to know: at what time period are we talking, since the whole scenerio takes more than 8 years (4 yrs college, 2before initital meeting, 2 for final meeting) I would guesstimate early ninties or before. So what time period are we talking.

As love doe not know or understand time, I would say these two were at very least star crossed. Tho not lovers, they certainly knew quite a bit about one another, and yet for religious, or idealic reasons never made the jump to a physical relationship. As being one who does not think love must be physical, I’d say there certainly was love between these two individuals.
It is completely normal for a man or woman to be happily married, and wonder about the various ‘what-ifs’ that took place when they were younger. Had I married so and so where would I be now. That is normal in my opinion.
The couple Zoe refers to seem to have missed one fundamental thing about two people who love each other: I would say that was direct communication about their personal love for one another early enough to make a difference in a budding love relationship. From the above vignette I see two people in collge, learning about themselves, and abou the world. Counting on each other for support from the opposite sex, with no physical relationship. For all intents and purposes, FRIENDS, and that was it.
Susan and Bill may have had a wondrous marriage had they sealed the deal in communication, however, I see something in Bill’s actions that leads me to think he never wanted a physical relationship with Susan, and was utterly content with being friends. For two young people of the opposite sex growing up in whatever era, there is naturally going to be a certain amount of attractive chemistry. Why this was not acted upon is unclear, unless it is due to the afore mentioned religious or idealic reasons.
I see many young people where I work toiling over relationships left behind. They have come to college and try to keep the love kindled, but in the end know it will never fire again. Tragic in some sense, yet liberating in the grand scheme of things.
The couple in the story must have known everything about one another, that is evident in the exchanges towards the end of their college years. Bill felt for Susan something the in outward appearance looks liek a deep friendship. I wonder though if he ever mentioned being in love with someone…anyone?

To me this says he is not interested in having a loving physical or emotional relationship with Susan. Giving the context of their last meeting at school, I would venture to say this is the very reason he came back looking for her while she was gone. He appeared to go and think about what was just said to him, and knew that Susan was in love, and that that love was not reciprocated.
Being a kind man, as he seems, this probably hurt him and he possibly felt a certain amount of guilt, for not saying more. If he had been soclose with her for 4 years, I am sure there was some guilt there. This may have been his modus operandi to returning to discuss with her in a more in depth and heart felt manner.

I do not believe by what is written above that he intended to patch things up with Susan in such a way as to warrent a relationship, I simply think he was wanting to console and maybe elaborate a little more on what was said.

As for the subsequent meetings:

Yes they loved each other at one time. But this tells me that there was some fundamental reason they did not get together, otherwise a simple hello does not seem inappropriate in that situation.

Maddie and Bill obviously spoke, possibly at length about Susan and maybe even about that final conversation. I guess the only answer to this would be with another question.

You are talking to your husband about your college, formative years, he mentions a woman he got to know very well, even to love. But, nothing ever comes of it. He tells you of the veritable love bomb she drops as they part from college; Would you take that lightly coming form your married husband? And if you me this woman in the future would you want to be especially kind to her?

Personally, I have been married 7 years, and my wife and I have bumped into a love interest from our pasts. A cordial hello, how are you, and quick catch up has always insued.
I love my wife irretrievably, as she does to me. Trust, honesty and honor are high on our lists of respectful needs we have of one another. We both had lives before we met, and we love and respect that. We did not enter our marriage unknowing about love. We had both loved and lost before we were married, we had both been in physical relationships before we were married. Those relationships prepared us for our future, gave us much insight into what we would want and not want in our perspective husband and wife.
The couple in the OP did not have this, and though their relationship was not physical, that does not mean they - at least - Susan did not feel the loss of a first love when they parted. And for those who have loved an lost, we know how much that love can hurt.

7

  1. Why did he stop by to see her? Most likely to tell her how much he cared for her, but not in that way. This bad idea disappeared after he slept on it.

  2. Many spouses hold a dim view of an ex entering into their lives. Maddie could only consider Susan as, if not a traditional EX, at least as posing the threat that an ex can pose. Coldness on Maddie’s part was her method of ensuring that Susan didn’t start becoming part of their regular social scene.

Susan and Bill were friendly for four years and nothing romantic happened? Nobody made a move? IMHO, it wasn’t gonna’ happen, at least on Bill’s part.

I hope this doesn’t come off as harsh. I mean it only to be brief. For a more detailed report, note what Phlosphr wrote above.

8

Bill secretly loved Susan the whole time, but knew that he could never fully give himself to her without compromising his mission. He’s an undercover FBI agent trying to infiltrate an al Qaeda cell planning operations inside the US. After being forced to neutralize a Yemeni bagman who got a little too smart for his own good, he knew he’d have to disappear for a couple of years to maintain cover, and he went to Susan’s dorm that night to say goodbye. When things cooled off, he married the known terrorist Maddie (codename “Medusa”) as part of a plan to intercept communications from the terrorist network, but he developed genuine feelings for her, and his handlers at the bureau feared they’d have to pull him out (or worse) before his emotions brought down the whole house of cards, but what they didn’t know is that Maddie’s actually a double-agent working for the NSA, feeding disinfo to her al Qaeda contacts from their rendevous point at the local soccer field. Everything was running like a well-oiled machine until the “Tel Aviv Incident”. Fearing that the Mossad was gunning for her, Maddie went to the field to give the signal to break camp. She didn’t expect to run into Susan. Maddie couldn’t be too friendly - she knew they’d be watching, and she’d be damned if she was going to put her old friend at risk. This project has turned enough lives upside-down already, for Christ’s sake. Now Bill’s AWOL, skating the edge, a man without a country, walking the streets, never knowing if the next corner he turns will be his last, making his way back to the only thing that ever made sense to him… Susan… Susan… Susan…

9

:smack:

10

I think Bill was a robot from the future, myself.

11

Gee, I think we were getting closer to the truth at the end…

Seriously, I appreciate everyone’s input and it seems to be fairly consistent and to make sense to me.

jackelope, yes, I was Susan and all of this was happening forty years ago. His friendship changed the course of my life and was what brought me to the city where I live.

I think about him from time to time because he was my first love and a good man. The pain has faded and the pleasantness of the memory remains. Fortunately, I am satisfied that he married the woman best suited for him.

I went on to have some amazing adventures and Bill wasn’t even the great love of my life – although I think I respected him more than any other for his values.

Of course, my husband values me and that tops everything.

Thanks again for perspective for an almost forty year old puzzle.

12

Alternative hypothesis for question (a): Bill is floored by Sue’s revelation and flees in terror. After thinking it over, he decides that maybe he does have an interest but has a tough time screwing up the curage to come back to discuss it. (He may even feel that he is going to be met with hostility for “dumping” Sue–or for having been oblivious.) When he finally gets brave enough to come back, she is not in–a sure sign from God that he was not supposed to come back–so he never tries it again.
(Alternatively, he has lost his best fountain pen and thinks it might be in Sue’s room, then finds it after leaving.)

I’m not sure why you’re asking guys about Maddie’s behavior. I have seen that acted out on several occasions. In one case, Guy B and Girl C dated, fell in young love (never physical that I know of), and Girl C broke off the relationship as they matured. Years later, Guy meets Woman M, they date, fall in love, and marry. For a number of years following the marriage, the mere mention of C’s name by any of the various people in the crowd from high school would evoke not-at-all disguised hostility from M.

That I know of, M and C never met and the only mention of C among the crowd was when reminiscing about non-romantic school activities.

13

I tend to agree with tom.

Bill had have the hots for Susan for a long time, but being quite the coward that he was, he dared not to make a move. After Susan’s relevation, Bill’s heart became one big tangled mess that he needed to sort out by himself. After several weeks, Bill figured to give it a go, and wanted to tell it all to Susan. Unfortunately, Susan wasn’t in, and all that courage that took weeks to muster vapourised, never to return again.

14

The simplest explanation is that Bill stopped by Susan’s room out of concern for his old friend that had suddenly become reclusive. I wonder why Susan didn’t simply call Bill and asked “I heard you stopped by- what’s up?”

Maddie was cold because Bill told her about Susan’s love for him. No doubt whatsoever.

I think Susan should get Bill’s email and ask these questions of him, I think she’s looking for closure but at the same time not wanting closure. I’ve been there myself.

15

Why did Bill come back to the dorm to see Susan after two or three weeks?

Bill had the hots for Susan but it took that long to finally suck it up and do something about it. He would have tried again sometime later but circumstances prevented it. He thinks about it every night.

Why was Maddie cold when they met years later?

Like every guy Bill thinks he can show Maddie just how damn hot he is. He attempts to tell her some story about how Susan had the hots for him but Maddie sees through the pathetic tissue of lies. She knows that Susan loved Bill, and maybe even that they belong together. She thinks about it every night.

16

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

17

You are right it doesn’t! I meant Irrevocably or unalterable. :slight_smile: