Further question; did deevee get an official warning for this?
(Again, really sorry about this, Sampiro)
If you’re so fucking sorry about the hijack, then why not, oh I don’t know, stop doing it? Clearly deevee didn’t get a warning because if he had the Mod “note” would be a Mod “warning.” If you’re really deeply burning with the need to pursue this hijack further, how about either emailing the Mod directly or starting a separate thread and leaving this one alone?
Alright.
Sampiro, you are in my thoughts. Feel free to let off steam here. But I would suggest pushing the matter of the will and power of attorney. A possible line to use is, “Who do you hate least: your family or the IRS?”
I would say do everything in your power to convince her to sign something definitive so that your sister doesn’t fuck up your mother’s wishes. Well, I hope she wouldn’t anyway, because that would be a vile thing to do to someone who carried her for nine months and took care of her for a couple of decades, IMO–but anyway, what’s important is what your mother wants, not what you or your brother or your sister wants; what you “know” she wants may be based partially on an interpretation of something she said and there’s really no way to know. I would say, do everything you can to make her sign something so you and your siblings aren’t scratching and clawing for years from now.
She doesn’t get to boss people around just because her imaginary friend told her to, IMO. How would people react, BTW, if you told somebody that an invisible spirit told you to fight against your own mother’s legally declared wish to be buried?
Then again, I could see where you’d want to take the path of least resistance.
Sampiro, you are in my thoughts. Feel free to let off steam here. But I would suggest pushing the matter of the will and power of attorney. A possible line to use is, “Who do you hate least: your family or the IRS?”
Nice to know you’re still thinking of Sampiro.
Seems to me to be just like something a Mod did recently. deevee just used less bandwidth. Or is there something you are not saying?
Oh hell. I don’t have a single bit of constructive, intelligent advice for you, Sampiro. But I am so terribly sorry you and your mom are having to go through this. I’m not praying, but I am wishing you both well.
Sampiro, your situation sounds a lot like what I would have found myself in if things had gone just slightly different. I don’t want to bore you with a lot of stuff that anyway is hypothetical right now (Navamom doesn’t appear to be dying and her parentals don’t intend to although God knows it’s about time they did).
sends best wishes to Sampiro, and to Mama Sampiro several hundred lines of “I shall put my will in writing and get it properly filed”
Lord, Sampiro -you’re in the shit now. I, too, go all practical and pragmatic (not a drop of Swedish blood, so perhaps it’s a WASP trait as well). I think it’s fine.
The house thing–eww. Sounds dicey and you’ll end up getting screwed, IMO.
Burial vs cremation: sounds like Mama solved this dilemma for you. Don’t be surprised if she asks to be buried next to Daddy in the end, though. My Dad bought cemetary plots a few years back–he bought 6. <ahem> there are 7 people in the family: he forgot to purchase one for me. :rolleyes: No worries, my mother wants to be buried in Kentucky, so she offered me hers…
The will is the biggest issue: she needs to make one, NOW. Can you sweet talk her into one–think of all the Agatha Christie’s etc! Tell her she can speak from the grave etc.
Good luck.
And thanks, Otto -for smacking the annoying pest. 
:smack: I’ve no idea how I managed to do that. :smack:
Sorry to hear you’re in another tough spot, Sampiro. I know you’ve asked for advice but I just don’t have any worth a damn.
On the brighter side, I did notice you’ve got that book in the works. I’ll join the line of Dopers wanting to buy a first edition.
I’m very sorry about your mother, Sampiro. If she doesn’t like the idea of being buried in a big metal box in a big cement box to rot anaerobically, they’ve got this “green burial” thing now (although I don’t think it’s legal in all places) - you get a shroud and a hole in a meadow, no stone, no casket, no crypt. I think it’s pretty appealing (well, except my parents just bought themselves plots and they got me one too without asking). Not that tossing another option into the mix will necessarily help, I know, but I thought I’d mention it as an option that might appeal.
Can you just make an appointment with a lawyer, to make it “convenient” for your mother? “Friday we’re going to get your hair done, and then Monday we’re going go see Mr. Lawyer.” That’s the only way we could get my aunt to take care of a lot of things when she was dying of lung cancer - just make appointments and tell her she was going and that you’d be by to pick her up at 10.
Oh, by “plots” I obviously meant “traditional plots which will involve airtight cement things, etc.”
Jewish law says that buried corpses must decay back into the earth (dust to dust and all that). So Jewish burials of people who follow this particular law are in plain wooden caskets with a plain shroud, with no embalming. Most funeral homes probably have something like this available for people who request it. Your Mama doesn’t have to have a metal casket if she doesn’t want one, though you might have to argue long and hard against “upgrading” her casket (and might have to tolerate insinuations that you’re getting her a cheap casket because you didn’t love her).
Having attempted reasonable, dignified interaction with the industry devoted to burying the dead and bankrupting the living, may I suggest an irrational, loud, ridiculous approach? Sampiro, be both good and bad cop – but mostly be volatile cop. I’d like to hear how a (presumably white) Montgomery undertaker would respond to a fat white gay man’s hissy fit which included the line “A - SIMPLE - PINE - BOX!!! If it was good enough for Martin Luther King, then By God it’s good enough for my Mama!” Make it loud enough to carry through the entire funeral home and I bet your transaction, complete with pine box and a written estimate, will be concluded in under five minutes.
Tabby
A holographic will is a handwritten will. Unless she writes the whole thing out longhand, it will likely not be enforceable (may not be anyway–YMMV depending on circumstances), especially if she is disinheriting one of her children, an act disfavored by law.
There will be no federal probate/estate tax for an estate worth less than about $2 million (from memory–it’s about that amount but is changing year by year in recent years).
The insurance policy almost certainly has a beneficiary named and the payment of the policy will be independent of the other estate assets. (Similarly, if there is a retirement fund with any residual value, it is likely that a beneficiary has been specifically named).) Most policy/fund forms require that a beneficiary be named at the outset (you can name your estate, but in most cases an indvidual does get named). Anything that is held in joint tenancy will also be outside the estate and pass automatically to the other tenant.
While sloppy, it is not IMHO completely ridiculous for your sister not to have a will–everything will go to her husband presumably per her desires, and many of their assets may already be held jointly anyway. (The danger she faces is the unlikely one of a simultaneous death.) Your mother is in a different situation because it appears she does not want her assets distributed based on the state’s assumptions as to typical situations.
From experience, I know that it can be very difficult to get people facing death to do legal detail work–it is an acknowledgement of their approaching mortality. You may need to swallow and resign yourself if she cannot be convinced to act without great unhappiness.
I’m afraid I’m not your lawyer, sweetie, but I wish you and your family peace.
I hear this is a very popular option in places like New Jersey and New York City with men of Italian extraction.
Sampiro add me to those who wish things work out for you. I can’t imagine the fight my sister and I are going to have over my mother, but I’m sure when that time comes, I’ll be remembering this thread.
Sampiro your mother and you are in my thoughts and prayers. My prayers for her are for a full and speedy recovery, but if that’s not to be, that she’ll have the desire to get all her affairs in order. As far as the house thing goes, I’d get it all in writing, making it clear that the townhouse would be yours if that’s what you want. At any rate, best of luck in everything.
When it comes to stuff like this, I am extremely glad that my older brothers will do whatever my sister and I say. Sis and I took the lead when our brother (my younger and her twin) died and when dad died. Mom had already decided to do whatever we wanted when dad died. My father had Alzheimer’s, so when my brother died, there was no problem on his part with us making all the arrangements. Mom was fine with that too. Our older brothers just go along with whatever. Fortunately mom has a will. That’ll make things a whole lot easier when her time comes. Of course she’s living it up now, taking cruises, trips all over the country, redoing her house, so she’s using it all up before she goes. Hell, after ten years of caregiving for my father, I say, GO MOM!
Anyways, best of luck Sampiro. I hope everything works out for the best. That’s just all I know to say.