Over hereManny suggested a whiner who hates us should go to the Usenet. I take umbrage at that suggestion. Thus:
“Manny!” I said with in the LOUDEST voice yet,
“I am the Fenris. I speak for the net.
I speak for the Usenet, the Web, IRC!.
And I’m asking now you, sir,so please hear my plea!—"
(I was very upset, but continued to say)
“What’s that THING that you’re sending my way?”
“Look, Fenris,” he said "There’s no cause for alarm
He’s only one whiner, there is really no harm.
I’m being quite useful, detrolling’s my life
I’m offering options, not causing you strife
He could go to the Web, he could go to newsgroups
He could e-mail some spam, he could read Drudge’s scoops
He could use IRC, he could view some net porn
He could get a webcam and go chat with Bj0rn
And, I (Fenris) said
“Man, you are nuts in the head.
We don’t want him out there,
You should go back to bed.”
And the very next minute I proved I was right
The whole Usenet flooded our great Doper site.
And they said “Who directed this whiner to us?!
We’d like to go toss him right under a bus!”
And I looked and I spoke to that poor Nazi mod
"The Usenet’s got problems, but none quite THAT odd.
I repeat" said I (Fenris), “And I speak for the net
We don’t want your whiners, so don’t you forget!”
I do not like them, manhattan.
I do not like
whiners or spam.
Would you like them
In GD?
I would not like them
In GD.
Nor elsewhere on SDMB.
I do not like
whiners and spam.
I do not like them, manhattan.
Would you like them on the Dope?
Can’t you give a little hope?
I do not like them
on the Dope.
I do not like them
to have hope.
I do not like them
in GD.
Nor elsewhere on SDMB
I do not like
whiners or spam.
I do not like them,
manhattan.
Would you ban them
from GQ?
What if they use
A different hue?
Not in GQ.
Not in a hue.
Not on the Dope.
Deny them hope!
I would not like them
In GD.
or anywhere on SDMB.
I do not like whiners or spam.
I do not like them, manhattan.
Would you? Could you? In Mailbag?
Read them! Read them! You won’t gag.
I would not, could not, in Mailbag.
You may like them. You will see.
They might learn in ATMB!
I would not, could not in ATMB.
Not in Mailbag! To usenet, see?.
I do not like them on the Dope.
I do not want to give them hope.
Anywhere on SDMB
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like whiners or spam.
I do not like them, manhattan.
When I joined the dope, with a question about latin,
I met an old timer by the name of manhattan,
and he had a habit, at least so the said,
they say he swears, when closing a thread.
All the trolls on the net liked the Straight Dope a lot
But Incubus in the Pit said he just did not.
Incubus hates the Dope! Every forum and post!
And of all of the mods, hates Manhattan the most
It could be his head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps that his shorts were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
But whatver the reason, he pondered and moped
He just stood in the Pit as he hated the Dope
Lurking under his bridge with a real sour frown
At the horrible rules in our internet town.
“No trolling, no spamming! No wishes of death!
And don’t be a jerk!” Why, it quite took his breath
“And they’re posting their posts!” as he growled with a taunt
“They think that they’re able to post what they want!”
Then he typed up a thread, as he drank some vermouth
"I’ll tell them some things,and I’ll show them the TRUTH!
Of their precious Straight Dope!
I’ll tear open their eyes! I’ll destroy all their hope!
The Mods are all Nazis! The posters are dull.
The Commie Admins all have vast empty skulls!
Then Manny appeared and he said “Inc, get bent.
The whole usenet’s out there. You’re not paying rent
This place sucks so much, then why don’t you get lost?
As a matter of fact, keep this up, you’ll get tossed.”
And what happened then?
Well, in Dopeville they say
That Incubus’s brain
Grew three sizes that day.
And the minute his newfangle brain made him bright
He posted contritely to make everything right
And he took back his words in the cold light of day
And he…
He himself
Incubus got to stay!
A hammer’s a tool, something useful to own
while your lame rhyme attempt make the whole Straight Dope groan.
And you, ol’ man Scylla, your jealousy’s great
But you just helped speed up your eventual fate
As the second most thread spotted Doper of all
By contributing, you’ve just sped up your own fall!
So keep it up, buddy, the more that you post
in my threads, the more likely I’m able to boast
That I’m more often threadspotted (at least more than you)
And the worst part of all is you know that it’s true.
Oh my dear Fenris you’ve got it all wrong.
let me lay it upon you in Seussian song.
It’s as plain as the fact that Esprix is quite queer. NO THREAD THAT I’VE POSTED TO HAS MADE THREADSPOTTING IN OVER A YEAR!
So while for the title you may think you’re being groomed,
The fact of my posting means that your doomed.
I’m sure it’s a conspiracy set up by the moderators and led by the maven,
The jealous and besmirchable CKDexterhaven,
Who together with an oxen, Coldfire, and two purple chimps,
denied the threadspotting to The Horror of Blimps
But not for a fact that my achievements are unequalled.
The best you can hope for is to author the sequel.
You don’t get it Scylla, you tired old thing
And there’s naught I can do that will soften the sting.
Your Threadspotting curse is quite powerful, true
But you just don’t grasp what my rhyming can do.
I’ll not only make the famed threadspotting bag,
Euty might want this for his Teeming mag.
And that, my old chum, would be one more bit
To keep me at the top while you stay in the pit.
I’ve got more in Extras, and Threadspotting too
Than all other posters (‘cept that bastard Rue)
Which reminds me my friend, while our rivalry’s nice,
We gotta stop Rue: put th’ bum on the ice.
Once he si gone then we’ll settle our score.
I’ll be the winner; you’ll be shown the door.
Better be sure you get it through your head,
This is supposed to be a Seussian rhyming thread.
It seems to that in your latest gem,
your rhyming is beneath even that of Eminem.
Indeed, Scylla old chap, well said,
Even my little ditty was in the spirit of the thread,
Although as a rhyme, it was a little below par,
It was styled on “Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?”
“Oh Pot, thou art black!” said ol’ Scylla, the kettle
Apparently this thread’s a test of your mettle.
Your end rhymes? They stink
and your meter don’t scan.
That the best you can do?
Looks like you need a hand.
And by the way, Scylla
The Seussian verse
Is to be aimed Manhattan or
Incubus at worst.
For a mere slob like you, plain old doggerel’s fine
since your poetry’s Ripple, whereas mine is rare wine.
)