And now Fenris... You will die

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Finally, the confluence of events has arrived and I have reached my ultimate power. I have surpassed the 4,000 post mark, and my Supreme Leader thread has reached Threadspotting.

Phase 1 is complete, and I can now begin phase 2 of my quest for world domination by undermining global currency markets, or something.

Long though have you been a thorn in my side throughout this process.

Finally though, I see that my loyal, if incompetant minions (not you, Elenfair,) have managed to capture you while you were infiltrating my secret facility.

You are now hopelessly in my power.

I suppose I could just kill you here and now. However, I prefer to savor your death. I desire the epiphany of watching you struggle fruitlessly. I wish you to know despair as I toy with you, and I want you to think of me as you slowly sink inot my pool of Mutant Piranhas and Screaming Eels. Your last thoughts as they flense the meat off your bones, will be of… me.
Put him in the cage and hoist it up!
Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! ::cough cough::
Here’s how it works:

The titanium cage is suspended above the pool of starving mutant piranhas and screaming eels.

I have contracted with several of the SDMB’s most notorious and feared banned posters, and they have hacked into the system.

Notice that I have hooked electrodes up to this adorable little kitten. Each time this thread is viewed, it completes the circuit. The kitty gets hit with 1,000 volts of electricity, and jumps up into the air. When the kitten lands, this activates a pressure plate which releases a mouse.

The pressure plate which controls the height of your cage is laden with ten pounds of peanut butter. The mouse will head right for the peanut butter and start eating, lowering the cage.

Once 1,000 views to this thread have been attained, that will have released enough mice to lower the cage into the water, and you will die horribly at the the teeth of my beloved little pets.

Notice also that each time this thread is posted to, a Koala Bear is shocked with the same electricity. When it jumps it releases a groundhog which goes after the peanut butter. It will only take 100 groundhogs to eat the peanut butter, sinking your cage.

So, that’s it. 1,000 views, or 100 posts. Whichever comes first. When that happens, you die!

Now to the fun part:

For my revenge to be complete, I must see you struggle fruitlessly. Therefore I will give you a slim chance of survival.

Here’s a computer. We will test your knowledge and Straight Dope worthiness. Answer the following before the deadline and the cage will open and you may escape death. Realize also that each post, view, or false answer brings you that much closer to death.

Good Luck.

Bwahahahahahahaahah!

  1. How many “ask the…” threads have their been?

  2. Statistically, what are the 3 most common questions asked of the Gay Guy, and how many times have they been asked?

  3. What is Zenster’s Secret dry rub recipe?

  4. What color is Tubadiva’s hair?

  5. What was the name of the bad guy in Cobra, who played him, and how did he die?

  6. Explain the significance of the quadratic equation in plain english

  7. What is the largest breed of dog?

  8. List 10 recognizable but nonpornographic synonyms for a women’s private parts (the lower private parts.)

  9. List 20 for a man’s

  10. Who should have been a pair of ragged claws?

  11. What was the name of Zan and Jayna’s dog?

  12. Name 5 publications that David B has written for, or shows that he has appeared on.

  13. The six fingered man is also the lead guitarist of what rock group?

  14. Who speaks for Sauron?

  15. In the Parody Bored of the Rings what did the Nazgul ride?

  16. Pinky and Leather’s last name?

  17. Remo Williams and his Sensei Chiun practice what sun-source martial art?

  18. If you wish to know how to operate the Holy Hand Grenade, specifically what religious chapter and verse should you refer to?

  19. According to the song, why did the homecoming queen shoot up her classmates with a gun?

  20. What is your favorite color.
    Failure to correctly answer all these questions before either deadline passes, results in your death, Fenris.

Of course you may recieve help from any friends with your answers while your enemies may check back on this thread frequently and post inane comments.

The correct answers do not even need to appear in a single post, but must appear somewhere in this thread before the deadline.
Farewell, Mr. Fenris. I leave you now to your fate.

2

You forgot:

  1. What is the third word in the English that ends in “gry”?
3

You forgot:

  1. What is the third word in the English language that ends in “gry”?
4

Go Koala!

5

Save Fenris!

<Sees a groundhog scurry over to a plate of peanut butter>

[sub]Whoops[/sub]

PS: How exactly do “Mutant Piranhas and Screaming Eels flense the meat off bones”? And, if “you want him to think of you as he slowly sinks inot your pool,” does that mean he sinks not into it?

Just curious.

6

I would hate to see fenris die! [sub]oops… sorry fen[/sub]

7

Okay, let’s see if I have this straight…

So far, I’ve been responsible for shocking a kitten and a koala, and sent both a mouse and a groundhog off to eat the peanut butter on which Fenris’ life is depending.

Sorry about that, Kitten, Koala, and Fenris. I feel I should help out in some way though, so here are some answers to contribute towards the saving effort:

  1. J. Alfred Prufrock: “I should have been a pair of ragged claws…” From T.S. Eliot’s “Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.”

  2. Tuscadero. From Happy Days.

  3. Sinanju. From the film Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, based on The Destroyer series of novels.

  4. Because she didn’t like Mondays. From “I Don’t Like Mondays,” by the Boomtown Rats.

8

At last, Mr. Scylla, you thought you had the upper hand, but now, at the end, you must realize, that like ALL villians, you have made one! fatal! error!

Zan and Jayna didn’t HAVE a dog. They had a purple monkey with a super-elastic tail. The purple space-monkey was named “Gleek” or “Gleep” depending on your source. Thus the question is meaningless, the trap self-destructs, the koala, kitty and mouse are freed, I escape with several Doper babes in bikinis who were sunning themselves on the beach of the island in your lake, leaving you trapped on this island with the notorious banned posters, and several Amish fishermen, when the island promptly self-destructs.

The last part of this chain of events leaves me in bed with at least one Doper-babe, on a train. A psychotic dwarf tries to attack me, but I capture him and stuff him in a trunk. Last scene: me back in bed with at least one Doper-Babe.

That said, having escaped your evil clutches and having brought your plans of world-domination to it’s knees, I will, for pure amusement’s sake answer a few of your questions (I’ll do more later):

15.Wendy and Marvin owned Wonderdog.

16.Pinky and Leather’s last name was “Tuscadero” (sp)

9

Aack!!! Good Christ, Spoons, NO!

  1. She did it… for Johnny. It’s Julie Brown, not the Boomtown Rats!!! I offer up proof:

http://gunther.simplenet.com/v/data/thehomec.htm

:: must…save…Fenris ::

10

Damn lag time.

Here I am trying to save Fenris and he’s already free.

:: sigh ::

11

Break with the suspense movie tradition! Lie and just shoot him. Bang Bang Hah! Hah! Hah! Bang Bang. Hah Heh Heh!

12

Fenris, I felt guilty that my viewing this thread brought you a step closer to death, so I am going to try to help you.

Christopher Guest, better known to some as Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap (one of England’s loudest bands), also played the six-fingered Count Rugen in The Princess Bride.

Oh yes, and scout1222 is right about the homecoming queen; Spoons must have gotten confused.

13

But before I kill you, Mr. Fenris, I want you to sign this statement, admitting your blatant incompetence, with your very ordinary looking fountain pen…

18… It’s alway helpful when you keep the entire script to Holy Grail on your PC…

Arthur
How does it, um-- how does it work?
Launcelot
I know not, my liege.
Arthur
Consult the Book of Armaments!
Brother Maynard
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
Second Brother
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless
this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu–
Maynard
Skip a bit, Brother.
Second Brother
And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.’
Maynard
Amen.
Knights
Amen.
Arthur
Right! One!.. Two!.. Five!
Galahad
Three, Sir!
Arthur
Three!
[angels sing]
[boom]

14

By now of course dear Fenris you realize that the Zan and Jayna query was what is known as a “trick question.” You have answered it correctly, but since it was planned as a trick question, it does nothing to harm my foolproof and Machiavellian trap.

Your little dream sequence escape scene merely sets another groundhog free to lick at the peanut butter.

You’re still in the cage, and peanut butter is running out.
Bwahahahahahahahahahah!

15

It’s greatly appreciated, scout and I advise that we all answer these questions…who knows what diabolical, fiendish, eeeee-vil plot Mad Dr. Scylla has planned as a backup if the questions aren’t answered by his deadline. Even though I’m personally in no danger, the possibility exists that in his mad quest for power, he’ll destroy the entire world!

#20:Forest Green or blue-green/teal depending on my mood.

Fenris

16

Irish Wolfhound

Spinal Tap

The Mouth of Sauron (the Lieutenant of the Tower of Barad-dur)

Book of Armaments, Chapter 1, verses IX-XXVII

Blue. No, green. Ahhhhhh!
**
[/QUOTE]

17

Scout1222, thanks for the tip. Guess I’m showing my age (“Mondays” was radical enough for its time, and I had no idea that any let’s-shoot-up-the-school songs had been done since). But thank you for the link; you have fought ignorance today. Specifically, mine.

But the question about the song remains unanswered. With your link, we can give Fenris another answer:

Well, the answer is in the lyrics: “She raised her head, smiled, and said ‘I - I did it for Johnny.’”

There you go. She shot up her classmates for Johnny.

18

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Funeral Music Queues Up

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me…
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T’was Grace that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear…
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares…
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me…
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be…
as long as life endures.

When we’ve been here a thousand years…
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise…
then when we’ve first begun.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me…
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

19

:Bunny buckles on her Secret Agent gear:

Who’s with me in an attempt to free Fenris from the evil clutches of Scylla the Troublesome?

:Gets on the Bat Phone with sounds of a black helicopter in the background:

20

I must help save Fenris.

First of all I much prefer kitten to koloas so I will enjoy shocking that stupid half bear half possum.

Plus Scylla did not see fit to grant my request of more rock and less talk so…
The answer to number one is too.