Mariah fucking Carey must die immediately

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve had it with the stupid little bitch. Why does she keep butchering up other peoples songs? I am, of course, talking about her cover of Phil Collins’ Against all Odds. Now, I am not a great fan of Phils solo work, but AaO is a decent ballad in its own right. Phil isn’t much of a singer of course, but he sure tries in that song.

Fast forward 16 years. Mariah “Talent is for wussies” Carey comes along and covers the above mentioned song.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING??

No, Mariah, thanks. The song was OK, but you’ve ruined it now with your pathetic little panting voice, faking vibrato by moving your yaws up and down, conceiling the fact that you can’t hold a fucking note for one second by opening up the full 3 octaves you can reach in every single fucking word. The entire spirit of the song is GONE. Fucked up beyond recognition.

1) What is up with the panting?
Why does she sing like she’s whispering to her lover (who just squicked her brains out, no doubt) all the time?? Phil was shouting his lungs across the Steinway, you silly bitch! Show some effort at least, instead of candy-fying yet another song straight to hell.

2) Kids, what miss Carey does is NOT vibrato.
She just moves her jaw up and down really quick to make it SOUND that way, much like that other talentless git Whitney Houston. (You know WHT was embarassing? Houston and Carey doing that duet for that Disney film, while everybody nows they hate each others guts. DISGUSTING GOOD-FOR-NOTHING MONEY WHORES!!!)

3) Changing notes 25 fucking times within one syllable does NOT constitute a good singing voice.
Yes, Mariah, we KNOW. We KNOW you have a wide reach in terms of octaves. WE JUST DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SECOND. YOU’RE FUCKING UP THE SONG AND YOUR OWN CREDIBILITY, OR WHAT’S LEFT OF IT.
Still, whenever the song comes on, I can’t switch it off. I’m paralyzed in my chair, mouth wide open in disbelief. How can something suck SO FUCKING HARD??

Collins, of course, deserves an asskicking as well for letting her fuck up the song. It’s not like there wasn’t any evidence before: or does Phil really think Mariah did a good job covering Can’t Live (if living is without you)?

One more thing: what’s up with the tits? Did she have a boob job or something? They seem bigger all of a sudden. And if it IS a boob job, why the HELL did they place her new tits on her respective SIDES rather than on the front of her ribcage, where normal tits usually reside? Holy CRAP these things are further apart than the Grand fucking Canyon. I’d ask for a refund if I were her.

Oh, and finally: what the FUCK is up with that inane video for Heartbreaker?. The one where she gets into a fist fight in the toilet of the cinema - with another girl she just spend the last half hour throwing popcorn at. What the hell is that all about?? Nice going, li’l miss Innocent. Sheesh.

Excuse me, I have to go and toss my lunch now. Ugh.
Then, I’ll go home and play Rush’s Cygnus X-1. Really loud. Fuck yeah.

2

Coldfire: I humbly bow before you. Thank you for saying all of that. You are GOD. Can I kiss your feet?

Harry Nilsson (sp?) died the day her remake of his song was released. Can we hold her responsible for that? Huh? Please?

3

First off, it wasn’t a Disney film; it was Dreamworks.

Second, when you really get the vibrato kickin’, sometimes your jaw will move. Although I agree completely that Caries and “No-sir-that-wasn’t-my-baggie” both overdo it. Just a hair. Just a touch.

Third: Many women have boobs that start under their armpits. Sorry to disillusion you, man. If you wanna talk about fake, I’ll be happy to discuss the “somehoq squished together in the center and standing at attention like a Lieutenant” globules that so many folks THINK look natural, thereby making people who see 'em starting in the armpits think THOSE are unnatural.

Fourth: The song is “Without You,” and while Harry Nilsson may very well be spinning in his grave, the good boys of Badfinger gave us the tune. Sorry.

Other than that…I agree with everything you’ve said.

4

Rest assured, I’ve seen my fair share of natural tits. All I’m saying is IF she had a boob job (which I suspect, because of size they are now as opposed to 4 years ago), she sure as hell didn’t take the most appealing Deluxe Package. But hey, it takes all sorts, of course.

5

Vibatro can be added to the mix in the studio these days.

You can have pitch vibrato and/or volume vibrato or at least thats the only way I know how to describe it.

She used to be a good vocalist years ago but these days her stuff just goes right on by.

Wonder if there are any fans here who can point out what I’m missing.

6

How about marrying the record producer of the company she records for?

Not that I’m implying that it wasn’t true love, mind.

7

Coldy? admit it hon? you are still devastated that Rush is putting on a free concert here next week aren’t you. Poor poor Mariah :wink:

8

Buddy, can you hook that up? I’d really appreciate it.

9

Come on Coldfire tell us how you really feel about Mariah :wink:

I have to agree with you though, that woman should not be allowed to sing and get paid for it.

10

As one person who thought Mariah’s wailing and howling wasn’t even musical, much less appealing enough to put out commercially, I have to agree wholeheartedly with Coldfire.

I don’t care that she’s got a great range, she can’t impress us with it. It sounds stupid. If I got a chance to produce an album with her, first thing I’d do is make her chop about 5 of those supposed 8 octaves she can hit.
Then FORCE her to do an entire album without one single glissando or vibrato or wailing or howling or whatever you want to call it.

Then I’d run over her with a Mac truck for being a talentless bitch.

11

Heh. A friend and me once had a funny discussion about what we could think of that was VERY unlikely to happen. We were increasing the odds as we went along, each in turn coming up with an even MORE improbable thing than the last one.

My friend won. He came up with the following VERY unlikely thing to happen: **“Whitney Houston will record the best metal concept album since Queensryches Operation: Mindcrime”.

Can’t top that :smiley:

12

I give CF’s rant a 9.5. I agree 1000%. But I guess I’m a little prejudiced about this subject since I can’t stand any music by anyone described as a “diva.”

13

Not much to add except that I think she’s a screechy, glass-shattering hussy.

Thank you.

14

Bleh - she gives “diva” a bad name.

Can we throw Christine Aguilara, Britney Spears and Leann Rimes onto the bonfire as well? They all give me gas. {burp} Who wins a fucking Grammy at 14 for yodelling?

Esprix

15

Not all Diva’s are bad, if you’re willing to check out some older jazz labels, a time when subtlety and skill (though perhaps not originality) was appreciated.

The women then sang the songs as the writers wanted them to be sung - without relebtless vocal pyrotechnics (cuz any writer can do that) and with an adherence to a original melody itself (which is what the writers want to be known for). (Try Dinah Washington, Nina Simone and Anita O’Day.)

Carey, that catty bitch, must die. Whitney too. Celine Dion, who went a little over the top with her “let’s Talk About Love” album is actually a genuinely gracious and magnanimous character. So we’ll spare her.

16

I fear that killing her would make her into a martyr - we’d be subjected to numerous tribute albums by all the other little surgically-altered queefs with “great range” but no actual talent. Perhaps we could merely rip her vocal cords out and parade them through the streets, making an example of her for our enemies.

Respectfully,

Major Magdalene - Commander Foxtrot Company, Heavy Weapons, 19th Battalion Landing Team (F/19 GC)

17

Bitch can’t sing 8 octaves–that’s publicity bullshit. Yeah, she has a high voice, I guess she’s a coloratura soprano, but so fucking what? When I heard her version of Without You, I immediately turned it off, then I walked around with my damn Walkman on, listening to nothing while I muttered really angry shit at her. I think you should have been harder on her, Coldy. She is beyond sucky.

She should die a slow, tormented, horribly painful death, and be forced to listen to r&b singers of the last 40 years who knew how to sing so she can understand the whole time she’s dying that she so fucking sucks!

Otherwise, I have no problem with her–except for her slutty clothes, her “Fuck you, I’m a star” attitude, and the influence she has on the Britney/Christina school of slutty wannabees who can only hit 20 notes in a syllable but are trying to match her 25.

Shit <grumble, curse>

18

Plus she dumped Derek Jeter, the wonderful and immenently lovable shortstop from my beloved two-time defending champion, team of the decade, team of all-time New York Yankees!

And she was rude to a friend of mine who worked in a studio she was “producing” some act of hers that did nothing anyway.

Yeah, fuck her sideways…

Yer pal,
Satan

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Three months, one week, five days, 12 hours, 49 minutes and 49 seconds.
4141 cigarettes not smoked, saving $517.67.
Life saved: 2 weeks, 9 hours, 5 minutes.

19

Ever notice how, as Mariah Carey’s status in the Diva Race drops, she wear fewer clothes on her album covers? On her first CD I don’t even think they show her body. Now that she’s in about seventh place, she’s in a bikini. Within two or three CD’s you’ll get a coupon which will entitle you to an hour of actual sex with Mariah Carey if you buy one of her albums.

20

Rick, if anybody is dumb enough to pay money for a Mariah Carey CD AND shag her, they need to be taken out and shot as well.