…And the last dozen posts (not all of them though) is all the proof you need ribbit25, to go seek couples counseling from a true third party, and not give our speculations any weight.
I can not even think that some people would just give out the advice for someone to just get a divorce. Ribbit25 is looking for help not a bandwagon of people to tell her to get divorced.
Ribbit25 I have a few questions
- People do not act that way unless they feel they are in the right. Why did he think he was right in going to the lawyer? (not saying he was just asking)
- Look deep with in yourself ask does this man love me. ( do not put well if he did he would not have statements just yes or no.) If it is yes, Love can be a powerful healer and motivation to get help and change. If no there is nothing really to talk about do not torture your family by a show just to make it look good.
Now comes the hard part. He has hurt you. No matter what he does at this point if you do not open your heart back to him you just doom the marriage. If he is giving it a actual shot and you sit back and watch. The marriage will fail and it will not be his fault it would be yours. Ribbit25 no one on this earth is perfect but you and this man found each other and decided to try to get married. No one said it was going to be easy, no one said there would not be sacrifice. Now if it continues down the same path then the answer is obvious what to do.
I am ashamed of the people on this board. People post on here for advice there is always 2 sides to every story. Ribbit25 not saying that your view point is a wrong it is just your perspective. I am sure if he was to post on here from his we would all have a different feeling. Its just the way people work.
I can not even think that anyone on this board would encourage an abused spouse to simply open their heart back up to their abuser, without any reason to believe that the abuser intends to change their behavior.
Ribbit25 is looking for a path towards a healthy life for herself and her child, not a guilt-ridden lecture designed to damn her to another few months/years of abuse.
- People do not act this way unless they have reason to be afraid and concerned. What reason has he given her to fear for the well being of herself and her child?
- Look deep inside your heart and ask yourself: Have I ever been abused? Do I have reason to believe that this abuser has changed? Abuse is a powerful destroyer, and it’s entirely possible that when things get even worse Ribbit25 will no longer have the strength to free herself and her child.
I am deeply ashamed of the ignorance I have seen here. People post here for advice when they need exerienced or fact-based input, not emotional idealizing about the power of an emotion which in this case has clearly led in unhealthy directions.
Leave him.
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I have gone back and re-read Ribbit’s 4 posts in this thread and from what she described about her relationship, I don’t see the abuse that you have claimed…but I do see irrational behavior, insecurity, anxiety, immaturity, and irresponsibility. You might consider those symptoms as abusive, but that would be incorrect; they are signs of an underlying issue that might be addressed through counseling and/or medication. If the issues get worked out, then the marriage is salvageable; if not, Ribbit can separate/divorce knowing that she tried. Guilt and ignorance need not apply…she really did want to make this work (for the child’s sake), and I am interested in what she wants.
As I have indicated before, IF he is actually abusive (or addicted or in an affair), then Ribbit should leave with the child and seek shelter elsewhere and file at least a separation, if not divorce. It was very prudent of her to go to her parents when his behavior was very irrational, and she should always keep that option open (and give him notice) in the future should this happen again. This would be considered as a “boundary” (you’ll learn about this in counseling) that he needs to respect in order for the 3 of them to live under the same roof.
But in the current situation she has described, the guy definitely needs help, not abandonment in his time of need at this point in time. Give him an honest chance to change, and she can work on her own personal issues that she might have as well.
Everyone has their own standards, I suppose, but a husband calling his wife and his sister-in-law “sluts” counts as verbal abuse to me. I’m also not cool with him snooping through her cell phone and flipping out about what he found, especially since it was innocuous. Dude’s unhinged.
Somebody on this board (I’m sorry, I can’t find a link to the exact phrasing - anyone else?) mentioned that one of the best pieces of advice they ever received was something like:
“When someone accuses you of doing something completely out of your character … they’re actually trying to tell you something about themselves.”
Not saying that’s what’s happening here, but plenty of people have found out they were being cheated on after the cheater accused them first. Keep your eyes open, that’s all.
Well, that’s a start. Maybe he can start with individual counseling to help him explore this further?
I agree that standards vary from person to person and I am curious as to the context of the situation where ribbit and his sister were called “sluts”. Was he already in the midst of his irrational behavior, or was it an offhand comment to the way they were dressed at that moment, or was he trying to be controlling the women by calling them sluts before they were going out for girls night out, etc…hard to say without further input from ribbit.
Yeah, that is a possibility, but then again it may be one of the symptoms (irrational behavior, insecurity, anxiety, immaturity, and irresponsibility) manifesting itself as a defense to justify his irrational behavior. Counseling will help clear that issue up.
It sounds to me like the OP is skewing some/most of the information.
- At first, I heard of a bastard who started shrieking uncontrollably about taking the child from its mother. Then, I found out that the mother had kept the child from the father.
- I heard that the father had no part in raising the child. Then I heard that the father was living in the home, and bringing in money.
- I heard that the man hadn’t brought in a paycheck in months. Then, I heard that he was bringing in money, even if from his parents.
- I heard that the man was a controlling bastard, threatening that he would reduce the wife (and, by extension, the child) to penury. Then, I heard that he took only half of their money.
- I heard that he kept up his irrational behavior for nearly a week. Then, I heard that he hadn’t seen his daughter in all of that time.
- The husband, I am gathering, is the one bringing the money in. But, the OP is ‘doing the financial chores.’
Of course, texting the pic of the lawyer’s office is semi-brain damaged, but, they’re young, and the photo option on texting phones demands some irrational/innocuous behavior in times of extreme stress. The going thru her phone? Could be wrong, could be right…who knows? Each marriage has a strange divide of privacy…
We are getting a bit too much piecemeal info, and, it seems totally as if the wife is looking for some support in getting out of a marriage in which she feels trapped, so she is distorting his behavior. She hasn’t been getting any romance, and, like most housewives, feels neglected and unappreciated, and is trying to build up the initiative to walk away. Or else, trying to use the same support to create a moral position for future arguments.
I am also thinking that the reason that the husband called her and her sister a slut is because the two of them were going out ‘just to relax/celebrate/who-knows-what’ during their separation, rather than just call them that out of nowhere. Or, she told hubby they were going out, to piss him off. N’este pas? (sp?)
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- Taking a child to visit family does not necessarily mean keeping that child from its father. The husband/father knew where they were, and there’s no indication that he couldn’t have gone to get them, or asked them to come home. Instead, he chose to threaten to take the child from the mother for good and send her a picture to back up that threat.
- A father bringing in money does not equate to a father involved with his child. I really hope you don’t mean that bringing home a paycheck is all any father needs to do.
- The fact that (this time) he only took half the money doesn’t really mean much in the face of threats to take everything, especially combined with ongoing irrational behavior.
- The husband is the one bringing home money right now. Or not, actually. But if you’ll notice she said not only the ‘financial chores’ but also all the household chores. In other words, she’s taking care of everything, paying the bills, keeping track of the money, doing all the shopping, on top of all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare. While he plays games. Not really all that confusing.
Having a phone with a camera does not demand anything, much less irrational or threatening behavior. Young or not.
Care to tell us how you jumped to this entirely biased and hateful conclusion? Why in the world would you assume this, based on nothing but your own imagination?
No, upon reflection, you are correct. I guess it was a mistake to think that having a phone with a camera demanded something. I rethought the statement, and now I can see that having a phone with a camera, in fact, did not demand irrational or threatening behavior. Thank yo for pointing that out.
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I am guessing after 3 months of marriage this is the first major fight.
It seems to me that this couple has major communication issues.
It now has progressed do to poor communication.
Honestly if all problems in marriage were this easy no one would get divorced.
Going to a marriage counselor and learning communication will change both of your lives for the better forever.
It seems that the husband wares his emotions on his sleeves as long as that is addressed and worked on in marriage counseling or on his own in counseling.
I honestly think you both will be shocked how much better it gets quickly once you start actually communicating.
And example:
my wife and I about 5 months into our marriage realized that what we thought life would be like married and what life was actually like married was very different for both of us. The difference in expectations made us both unhappy. Neither of us new how to communicate our emotions. One day those emotions took over and we had a blow up. Awful things where sad by her. I wanted out at that point I thought how could I live with a person like this. My best friend looked at me and said " Frank you and your wife got married for a reason go to counseling and work on it do not give up so soon on your wife" I went to counseling mostly at first to satisfy my own need to fee like I tried. Not really expecting it to work. With that said, I did try in counseling and outside to work on the things the counselor said to do. After just 1 months my wife and I hugged at the end of a session. At that point everything changed. I no longer had to think about what my wife had said and done. I saw her for what she was not for who she had been while upset. I watched as our relationship grew into what it is today 13 years later. My wife is the best person i have ever met. I look at what I almost did. I almost did not give us a chance. My first instinct on marring this women was right. Not my doubts.
With all this said it was much worse than this story I just like to tone it down since it has been so many years.
I truly think if you trust your first instinct(marring him) and trust your husband ribbit you will find out you made the right choice