We had discussed marriage and had each admitted that we wanted to be married to the other, the only question was when to make it happen. I was recently out of law school and was working as a temp counsel; I told her there’d be no ring until I was hired somewhere as a full-time salaried employee. That was actually my intention.
Turns out, the temp money was good enough to get a ring that I knew she’d love. We met for dinner after work one night and I surprised the hell out of her with a proposal. “But you said it wouldn’t be until you got a job!!!” “OK, do you want me to take it back?”
In my case (I am a man, married to a woman, to make everything clear) it was a gradual process. I started going out with my wife, she moved in with me, and eventually she said that if we were serious about a relationship she would expect us to make a commitment by the end of the year. She only mentioned it once as I recall. I am never one to wait until the last minute, and so I proposed to her on 29 December, with two days to spare.
I used to know a couple that dated on and off for about 10 years. They were close enough that when he moved, she moved not only to the same city, but right next door. He asked her to marry him, and she said no and broke up with him. Then they got back together. The same thing happened several times. Then one day, while they were broken up, she walked into his house to borrow a cup of sugar, and found him in bed with another woman.
She didn’t get the chance to nag–I proposed two weeks after our first date, and less than four weeks after our first meeting. She didn’t seem surprised, though …
We never had any sort of formal proposal–more a series of discussions. Marriage didn’t matter to him, it did matter to me, I needed health insurance and he wasn’t opposed to the idea, so we went down to the courthouse one day and took care of the formalities. Even now, almost ten years later, I’m not sure he sees much point–we were already a family in his mind, who cares about paperwork?–but it made me happy, and he likes that.
We had some discussions along the lines of “well, okay, is this going towards marriage?” and actually did premarital counseling before we got engaged. The counseling mostly showed that we were a really, really good fit. At some point afterwards I asked him if we were in fact going to get married and he said yes. So we got a ring, which he was carrying around in his laptop bag, and I got him a present (some image-stabilization binoculars he had been lusting after) which I kept in my bag.
And then I waited for him to propose. I told him that he had until my birthday, or else I was going to propose to him.
My birthday went by, so I proposed to him the next day. (And he took the ring out of his bag and gave it to me.) Although it was really neat, it was also kind of nerve-wracking, even though I knew he would say yes. I have a whole new appreciation for all you guys out there who propose!
ETA: We dated for five years before becoming engaged, and six before getting married. Although he’s really happy to be married, he still likes to talk about how we rushed into things
Nope, I never had to nag once. We both knew we were heading that way and we talked about it in depth. He did do a big proposal with a beautiful ring but we both knew exactly what we wanted and I knew ahead of time exactly when he was going to propose. The ring design was a surprise and he did a fabulous job of picking out the perfect ring for me but everything else was planned out before hand.
No formal proposal here either. But since things were “headed that way,” I didn’t see any reason to drag our feet, so I ended up doing the pushy thing. And I regret it to this day and see it as highly indicative of other problems in our marriage. I wish I’d have been more patient and understood the gravity of what waiting meant.
We started talking about getting married three weeks after we met. We outlined a general timeline–we would get engaged, then he would move in, then we’d get married when we’d known each other a year. I was left semi-in the dark about precisely when he’d propose but guessed it would be just before Thanksgiving or Christmas. He surprised me by proposing at the beginning of November, so I never had a chance to get nervous.
We discussed marriage together and came to a mutual agreement that we should get married. Neither of us likes surprises, so “popping the question” wasn’t on the menu.
We dated 2 years when he proposed. He didn’t actually propose verbally. I had just come home from work and he woke up to get ready for work. He sleepily handed me the box with the ring and fell back asleep.
Anyway, I had never mentioned it. I didn’t even really want to get married any time soon although I knew I wanted to marry him if it did happen. I was only 21 so was in no rush.
We were together for another 6 years. Broke up for 2. Got back together and picked up where we left off: living together, engaged, no real intention of getting married any time soon.
A little over five months after we met, I “casually” brought up the idea of marriage just to see her reaction. She indicated that she would be in favor of the idea.
Exactly six months after we met, I proposed, and she said yes.
No nagging–I was pretty adamant about not wanting to get married while either of us was in school, we were already talking in terms of “when we get married” as opposed to “if we get married,” and I didn’t want a long engagement, so he really proposed about as early as I would have been willing to accept anyway. Pretty much all of my friends were about the same.
My brother needed some slight amount of goading but not what I would consider nagging or pressure. They’d been living together for 4 years and she finally told him that she wanted to be married before having kids and she only had so long to have them, so he needed to be giving some serious thought as to whether what he wanted was compatible with that. He proposed about 6 weeks later.
This wedding we’re going to this weekend, otoh…oy. She told him, in so many words, this past fall that she had better have a ring on her finger by the end of the year and another ring by the end of this year, or else she was taking the kids and leaving. And she wonders why he doesn’t give a crap about the wedding plans.
I think that there is a lot of individual variation on this. My boyfriend wants to get married more than I (a female) do. We’ve discussed the issue a lot and basically have an understanding we’ll get married sooner or later. I think the only reason he hasn’t formally proposed is because he is unemployed right now and I have made it clear that I am not ready yet.
I think my reluctance is mostly that I’ve always been very independent and spent most of my life thinking I would never get married because I had really bad luck in relationships. However, he and I fit so well together that I do picture us staying together forever. It’s just that I tend to be the sort who finds it very difficult to make a final commitment when it comes to big decisions. I also have more to lose in a marriage since I’m the one who makes more money.
I did once read a book about this kind of issue that claimed that most women do end up needing to put some kind of gentle pressure on guys to get them to finally make the leap of proposing.
No; I had to hold him off for a while. He made up his mind about 3 weeks into the dating relationship, but was smart enough not to say anything–I had quite the marriage phobia. Then he let me know that he wanted to get married, but promised not to say anything for several months. Then he surprised me by proposing a bit sooner than either of us had expected (it was a spur-of-the-moment idea) and I pretty much had hysterics but I said yes.
Many of my girlfriends had guys who were dying to get married ASAP, while the women were more nervous about the whole idea.
I’ve heard it expressed on the board (but not IRL) that when you both decide you’re going to get married, then that’s when you’re engaged. I don’t really think that’s the case; I think it’s when one party asks the other “Soandso, will you marry me?” and there’s probably some jewelry involved. My SO and I have agreed we’ll marry since…four months into us dating, over a year ago. But we’re getting engaged next summer, since we want him to have graduated so our parents don’t flip. Also, it gives him time to save for a ring.
Funny story about engagement rings: my mother isn’t much one for jewelry, and wears her engagement ring around her neck on a chain because of her job. While our home was being gutted, we lived in a hotel for a few months. One day, inexplicably, my dad gets out of bed (my mom’s already showering) and starts to make it. As he’s smoothing sheets, he finds my mom’s diamond in the sheets!
My boyfriend proposed 8 weeks after our first date. I didn’t have TIME to nag. We hit it off immediately after our first date, and were madly in love within a month. The proposal was completely spontaneous, and we waited another year and a half to get married, just to make sure that we really did want to be together.
Our ninth anniversary was two months ago, so it all worked out.
After we’d been dating about six months, I proposed to Mrs. R, and she accepted. Later she told me that if I hadn’t, she would’ve proposed to me. So we were both on the same page.
I didn’t really nag, per se, but we did have a few conversations about it. We decided that we would probably get married… and then he never went ring shopping. I did remind him a couple times that he needed to buy a ring before he could propose. I went with a girlfriend to look and narrow down the choices for him. Then I told him I had narrowed it down and he should look before they changed seasons and possibly discontinued the rings, thus limiting his options. He got off his butt then, bought a ring and … well, now we’re married.
