Married Dopers: if your spouse asked you to give up porn indefinitely/forever, would you agree?

[panache45]

I need something to keep me occupied when my partner is away on business. If I can’t have my porn, he’d better stay home more often.

[SanVito]

My partner has a very healthy, mature attitude to sex and has no problem with porn, so if she asked me, I know that it would be for a very good reason (such as ‘I’ve just discovered that all the profits from porn go to funding child slavery in Manchester’) rather than simple jealousy issues. And it’s such a minor footnote in both our lives that it would be like asking me to give up orange squash. So, yes, I would agree.

Long-term committed lesbian relationship, for the record.

[SecondJudith]

@SCSimmons

I voted Married straight male: I might or might not agree, depending on circumstances. I actually can’t imagine circumstances that would lead my lovely wife to make a bizarre request like this; but should they arise, I’d like to think I’d take them as seriously as she was.

@SanVito

My partner has a very healthy, mature attitude to sex and has no problem with porn, so if she asked me, I know that it would be for a very good reason (such as ‘I’ve just discovered that all the profits from porn go to funding child slavery in Manchester’) rather than simple jealousy issues. And it’s such a minor footnote in both our lives that it would be like asking me to give up orange squash. So, yes, I would agree.

I agree with both of these. My husband and I look at porn both together and separately, so I know if he did ask me to stop, it would be for an important reason. What’s important to my husband is important to me.

[Acid_Lamp]

No, as it would be a major departure from, and nearly complete reversal of, the open, permissive attitude towards sex in our relationship. Such a request would be a signal of something majorly wrong with her and I would be extremely concerned for her mental well-being.

In general principle I’d also have to say no regardless of partner as they do not get to define and control my sex life.

[jackdavinci]

Sure if he agreed to drop trou every time I get horny.

[SecondJudith]

@Acid_Lamp

Such a request would be a signal of something majorly wrong with her and I would be extremely concerned for her mental well-being.

I’m a bit puzzled that you would immediately assume there is something majorly wrong with her, rather than finding out why she made this request with the possibility it might be for a legitimate reason.

[Ferret_Herder]

@SecondJudith

I’m a bit puzzled that you would immediately assume there is something majorly wrong with her, rather than finding out why she made this request with the possibility it might be for a legitimate reason.

I can’t imagine what legitimate reason might suddenly have materialized in some point in the last 20 years of our mutually-porn-using relationship that might lead to him asking me to avoid porn, especially if that is the lead-off statement and not one item in a list of changes. The most sensible explanation would be some kind of dramatic change in him, including “pod people” as a feasible option.

[Gus_Gusterson]

I voted “I might or might not agree, depending on circumstances.” Those circumstances had better include her enthusiastically having sex with me at my whim.

[Hello_Again]

@SCSimmons

I voted Married straight male: I might or might not agree, depending on circumstances. I actually can’t imagine circumstances that would lead my lovely wife to make a bizarre request like this; but should they arise, I’d like to think I’d take them as seriously as she was.

Same here.

For my husband to make this request, the reason would have to be something like “since moving to [horribly oppresive regime], we could be shot on sight for possessing this” rather than “me no likey.” Obviously I would comply under such unusual circumstances. Otherwise, no. What’s next, checking my novels for sex scenes?

[Acid_Lamp]

@SecondJudith

I’m a bit puzzled that you would immediately assume there is something majorly wrong with her, rather than finding out why she made this request with the possibility it might be for a legitimate reason.

Both of us have rather voracious sexual appetites, and we are accustomed to indulging them. We both enjoy porn and masturbation both separately and together. Neither of us find it offensive, troublesome or are particularly interested in each others more niche interests. We use this in addition to our rich sex life together and it has never, ever been an issue of any sort in the past. A rapid reversal on something like this would signal something extremely troubling to me.

I also cannot think of a legitimate reason to ask such a bizarre request.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Der_Trihs

Well, in that case I’d never go along with a demand that I give up my porn. Or my book collection or my video games or reading the SDMB. I’m not interested in cooperating with such control-freakish demands, not from my hypothetical spouse and not from anyone else.

Why is asking that you give up porn control-freakish?

And I didn’t say that the spouse demanded that you give up porn; I said that the spouse asked that. Requests ≠ demands.

@Acid_Lamp

Both of us have rather voracious sexual appetites, and we are accustomed to indulging them. We both enjoy porn and masturbation both separately and together. Neither of us find it offensive, troublesome or are particularly interested in each others more niche interests. We use this in addition to our rich sex life together and it has never, ever been an issue of any sort in the past. A rapid reversal on something like this would signal something extremely troubling to me.

I also cannot think of a legitimate reason to ask such a bizarre request.

So we’re clear: Are you saying that the request is categorically bizarre, or that it would be bizarre coming from your wife?

[rhubarbarin]

I don’t use/deliberately view porn, so of course I’d ‘succeed’. However it would be super-controlling and inappropriate for my SO to want me to swear to never look at the stuff, I would never agree to any request/demand like this, just on principle.

Didn’t pick a poll option.

[StusBlues]

Former married here. If I’m getting enough sex in a relationship (i.e., at least 2-3 times a week), porn is pretty superfluous to me.

[Hello_Again]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

Why is asking that you give up porn control-freakish?

It’s controlling what you think about and how you spend your time. It is controlling behavior when person A makes person B stop doing something because of the way Person A feels about the thoughts potentially inside person B’s head. Do you feel a spouse asking you to give up R-rated movies, or all mystery novels with a murder, or all music using the work “fuck” is appropriate or controlling? How about if they ask to to stop seeing all friends of the opposite sex? Personally I find these requests to be controlling, barring some exceptional justification.

[SecondJudith]

@Acid_Lamp

Both of us have rather voracious sexual appetites, and we are accustomed to indulging them. We both enjoy porn and masturbation both separately and together. Neither of us find it offensive, troublesome or are particularly interested in each others more niche interests. We use this in addition to our rich sex life together and it has never, ever been an issue of any sort in the past. A rapid reversal on something like this would signal something extremely troubling to me.

I also cannot think of a legitimate reason to ask such a bizarre request.

There just seems to be a world of difference to me between “I actually can’t imagine circumstances that would lead my lovely wife to make a bizarre request like this; but should they arise, I’d like to think I’d take them as seriously as she was” and “Such a request would be a signal of something majorly wrong with her and I would be extremely concerned for her mental well-being”.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Hello_Again

Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer
Why is asking that you give up porn control-freakish?

It’s controlling what you think about and how you spend your time. It is controlling when person A makes person B stop doing something because of the way Person A feels. Do you feel a spouse asking you to give up R-rated movies, or all mystery novels with a murder, or all music using the work “fuck” is appropriate or controlling? How about if they ask to to stop seeing all friends of the opposite sex? Personally I find these requests to be controlling, barring some exceptional justification.

The key word in my earlier sentence was “asking.” If a spouse says, “Honey, it makes me very uncomfortable when you look at porn; do you think you could give it up?” he or she is not necessarily controlling. It would be another thnig again if the spouse gave an order or issued an ultimatum, but that is not what I wrote in the OP.

[rhubarbarin]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

The key word in my earlier sentence was “asking.” If a spouse says, “Honey, it makes me very uncomfortable when you look at porn; do you think you could give it up?” he or she is not necessarily controlling. It would be another thnig again if the spouse gave an order or issued an ultimatum, but that is not what I wrote in the OP.

No matter how nicely they word it, it’s still controlling and inappropriate to request that your SO give up an activity because of your own insecurities.

This goes for any situation. “Honey, it makes me very uncomfortable when you reply to posts on the SDMB, do you think you could give it up?” is equally wrong.

There are some exceptions to this rule, as in clear boundary violations or when a spouse is skirting infidelity, but watching porn doesn’t qualify.

[Evil_Captor]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

The key word in my earlier sentence was “asking.” If a spouse says, “Honey, it makes me very uncomfortable when you look at porn; do you think you could give it up?” he or she is not necessarily controlling. It would be another thnig again if the spouse gave an order or issued an ultimatum, but that is not what I wrote in the OP.

Skald! You are allegedly married. If your spouse “asks” you to give up porn, it’s a simple request? Like, she wouldn’t really care much what your response was, just thought she’d casually make the enquiry? Really? Are you REALLY married?

[Hello_Again]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

The key word in my earlier sentence was “asking.” If a spouse says, “Honey, it makes me very uncomfortable when you look at porn; do you think you could give it up?” he or she is not necessarily controlling. It would be another thnig again if the spouse gave an order or issued an ultimatum, but that is not what I wrote in the OP.

“Can you stop hanging out with Bob – your friendship makes me feel like I am not enough for you.”
“Can you drop out of school – when you know more about things than me it makes me feel inadequate.”

hey, they’re just asking, right? Not controlling at all.

Oh wait – completely controlling, and manipulative in the fiction that you have a choice.

[Acid_Lamp]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

So we’re clear: Are you saying that the request is categorically bizarre, or that it would be bizarre coming from your wife?

That latter. I’m sure people could come up with reasons like religion, etc, but coming from her it would be totally bizarre.

There just seems to be a world of difference to me between “I actually can’t imagine circumstances that would lead my lovely wife to make a bizarre request like this; but should they arise, I’d like to think I’d take them as seriously as she was” and “Such a request would be a signal of something majorly wrong with her and I would be extremely concerned for her mental well-being”.

SecondJudith, A request like that would be so completely and totally out of character for her I would assume something extremely serious had happened that had affected her basic views on sex. That would be very troubling to me. She is not a person given to flighty changes of position or prone to fits of irrationality at all. A total reversal of position on a basic aspect of our sexual relationship would be extremely troubling.