I know that in the West, this used to be a pretty big thing, although of course it’s fallen by the wayside in recent decades. Nevertheless, it still goes on.
I did not ask Mrs. H’s father for permission. Though they weren’t estranged in the strictest sense, they did have an extremely awkward and uncomfortable relationship. And the future Mrs. H just thought that bringing her father into the mix as regards our marriage would be even more awkward and uncomfortable. So we skipped that part.
Also, her father stiffed me on the dowry, so I’m still salty at him (even though he’s been in his grave for years) about that, too. [Edited to add}: this is a joke. There was never any talk of a dowry.
Yes, because he’s an old Persian man and That’s the Way It’s Done.
To be clear, it was just a formality. My now wife had already said yes, and insisted I go see her dad out of respect. There was no real possibility he’d have refused, either. Had he done so, my wife would have gone to Have Words with him.
Both my wives’ fathers were long dead when we decided to get married. Their mothers were still alive.
The idea of asking Mom’s permission, either as a serious question or as an anachronistic ceremonial formality never occurred to any of us. Certain traditions are better off being actively killed and buried. This IMO (and in both wives’ opinions) is one of them.
ETA: Although in the case of a cross-cultural marriage, such as @Cervaise’s there’s room to respect both more traditional cultural norms as well as more modern egalitarian cultural norms. Rule 1 in real life too: Don’t be a jerk.
My wife had already said yes, and didn’t insist; she asked me if I’d still marry her even if he said “no,”and I said “of course,” and she asked me what the point was, and I said it’s just something you do without actually meaning it.
She turned to my roommate, who’d been watching the conversation. “You’re a reasonable guy,” she said to him. “Would you ask the father?”
“I would,” he replied to her.
“Oh, what the hell do you know,” she replied to him.
I would think most modern women would find it offensive to even consider it, as if they were some sort of property of their fathers.
And of course not even a suggestion of them asking the groom’s father (or mother!) for permission either.
I think a lot of the marriage traditions that we cling to in the West, particularly among people who are at least culturally Christian, are rather patriarchal but modern women just kind of look the other way. Like the father “giving the bride away,” or hell, even the ring itself.
I don’t know if you’re making a joke about dowries, like I did, or if you’re telling the truth. And if you’re telling the truth, I’ve never heard of a dowry going from the groom to the bride’s parents - I thought it went the other way. Sure, there are cultures where wives are bought and sold, but I don’t think the term for that is “dowry.”
That is true, but actually asking for the father permission seems to cross the line from what the Supreme Court would call “Ceremonial Patriarchy” into the actual thing.
Nope. Not a chance. Even seeing it modeled in media growing up, it felt all kinds of wrong.
Aside from the obvious down with patriarchy reasons to not do it, I imagine that the prevalence of second marriages as well as the norm of living with a partner in advance of a proposal both helped put a nail in the coffin of that cultural relic.
No. We had been living together for years by the time we got married, the first couple of years we lived together was overseas and I didn’t meet her parents until we came home between assignments. we never would have married except to get her on my health insurance and neither of us remember the anniversary of our marriage, we celebrate when we moved in together.
I tried, but he was in Korea at the time. And I’d already proposed and been accepted. Mostly it was intended to be a nice gesture to the would-be in-laws, and there was zero chance he would have said no regardless.
My husband did not ask my father. My sister’s husband did ask my father, a few years later. I once asked my father if it bothered him that my husband hasn’t asked him. He said, “no, i knew that no one you would marry would ask my permission”.
I don’t think I asked permission, but I talked to both her parents about it.
There wasn’t much point in asking permission, in any case. She’d already told me that both her parents approved of me. (apparently not all her dating companions got their Seal of Approval.)