My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years and he proposed to me earlier this year and it couldn’t have been more perfect. My family and friends had been expecting him to get down on one knee and were over the moon when we broke the news.
But, since then we have been constantly bickering over my decision to keep ym last name. My fiancé has become adamant about me taking his last name after we’re married. When we bicker , the things we bicker about are representations of how we feel.
I’ve always told him that I was keeping my name for professional reasons, which he’s always been fine with, but now he has a problem with it.
I’ve met his family numerous times and have told them long ago that I’d keep my name and they were fine with it and never mentioned it again and I was very grateful that they were so understanding. They have always welcomed me with open arms, but my fiance is suddenly nt comfortable with me keeping my name. He says, it shows lack of committment. I don’t even know how to reply to that. I’m all-in. I just want to keep my name. I can’t believe this is even a conversation.
Now, prior to this we were have a grat time planning our wedding but now he merely nods whenever I broach the subject of our marriage. I thought maybe we’d set the wedding date later in the year but now I don’t see it happening. I’ve not said anything about wedding in the past week but he still seems a bit distant. Nobody’s giving anyone a silent treatment , but he seems a bit hurt and focus more of his time on his work than me.
Even my parents says that neither of us will be happy if one of us caves in on the subject, they says it’s not a good way to start a life together. Now, I don’t consider my fiance old fahioned but he really wants me to take his name.
This can be a sticking point for some people. Are you planning on having children? If so, what would their surname be? In some cultures keeping your name after marriage is no big deal but in other cultures it is. Are you both from the same culture?
What else does he expect you to do that he’d previously not expected? Is using your own name in professional environments and going by “Mrs. Hisname” in social circles ok with him, or not? Is he now expecting you to leave your job as soon as you become pregnant with the first of his* children?
Every guy I met, and one would already have been too many, who despite my being an engineer expected my dream job to be SAHM, talked about having and raising his children. Not ours, his. I’m not a breeding cow. Then again, I’m also not married.
I compromised by taking his surname and making my maiden name as my middle name. Professionally and legally, I’m now Kiz (Maiden Name) (Married Name).
I told my now-husband there was no way I was ever going to drop my maiden name in favor of his. First of all, I was maiden name long before he arrived on the scene. Second, professionally most people know me by maiden name. Third, I’m the last in my immediate family line unless we have a child (which we ultimately didn’t so yes, I am the last), and I’ll be damned if anyone forgets my father. Keeping my maiden name is my tribute to him.
My now-husband shut up after that. The funny thing is, all his sisters dropped his family’s name in favor of their husbands’, while his brothers’ wives did the same thing I did.
Fair enough, but the OP made no secret prior to the engagement about keeping her own name in marriage; given that this is an issue for the fiancé, he is out of line for not expressing concern until the engagement (and for even choosing to get engaged without addressing this important-to-him issue beforehand).
Ask him what changed between the time when he was fine with you keeping your name and the time when he wasn’t fine with it.
Ask him why he proposed to you if he knew that you weren’t going to change your name - or why he thought that engagement would suddenly change your long-held policy about keeping your name.
If he insists that taking his name is required in order to demonstrate your commitment to the marriage, ask him what he will be doing to demonstrate his commitment, since he apparently will not be taking your name. (if he thinks buying you an engagement ring is enough, then tell him you’ll pay for your own ring and keep your name, and see how he responds.)
Seriously - those aren’t rhetorical questions, they are all worthy of answers.
IIWIYS, I wouldn’t take another step toward getting married until you get this sorted out. If nobody yields and the result is disengagement, then so be it; as your parents have pointed out, it’s a damn unhappy start if either one of you meekly surrenders to the other (as opposed to accepting the other’s position after open, honest, adult discussion).
Seconded. If there can be a compromise, that would be good. But a capitulation on your part and I would think there are going to be more, and larger, issues for years to come. And not that happy of a life.
I’m curious what brought on his change of heart. To suddenly go from indifferent to adamant on a thing like this suggests either an external influence or something else. Like cold feet. Is it possible he’s subconsciously coming up with a wedge issue to justify calling things off?
Whatever the OP does (stick to your guns, I say), avoid the hyphenated-surname silliness.
Before marriage I said to Mrs. J. that I was fine with her keeping her maiden name (my mother did this for professional purposes), but she wasn’t interested in doing that.
That’s very true. Perhaps I was projecting my own experiences a bit too much. In my case just a few weeks before the wedding my wife bought up not changing her name (which is highly unusual in Japan for non-celebrities) but, because she was marrying a foreigner, had some pretty valid reasons for not wanting the change, which I understood. But damned if I was going to be put in the position of the silent partner, meek gaijin, ‘married’ -but not really so. No. I would have preferred to find another partner who wouldn’t ‘other’ me like that.
Keep your name, legally, but tell him that in social circles that were mostly his before you got together, you are OK with being addressed as Mrs. Hislastname, that you are not going to make a stink in invitations that originate from people who know him and don’t know you come addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Hislastname, and that you are OK with your children having his last name (this might really be what he’s worried about anyway), and if their friends call you Mrs. His&children’slastname, you will not confuse four-year-olds by correcting them. You may tell older children to call you whatever you like, though: Ms. Maidenname, Firstname, Nickname, whatever.
My mother married at age 23, in 1963, and took my father’s name. She didn’t really regret it, because she gave up a hard to spell, hard to pronounce name for an easy one. She became a widow 34 years later. By then she had a pretty significant career with a string of publications under Firstname Initialofmaidenname Husband’slastname, so when she remarried four years after my father died, she kept the name she was known by professionally, that had been her name almost her whole adult life. My stepfather was totally cool with it. However, there were occasionally times when they were places where people knew him (stepfather) and not her, and called her Mrs. SF’slastname. She let it go.
You make compromises. That is marriage. Make some compromises. Expect him to make some. If he won’t, that is a bad omen.
My wife uses her maiden name for her profession (established long before I came onto the scene), she uses (her maiden name hyphen my last name) for joint legal stuff and uses my last name with people she doesn’t want to be bothered with. All this was her doing and I couldn’t care less what she calls herself as long as she comes home at night. If there were kids, it would probably be a different story just for legal reasons.
It strikes me as odd that he purports to know what demonstrates a lack of commitment for you. Lord knows any number of people who changed their name ended up getting divorced, and any number of those who didn’t stayed in the marriage. I can’t help but think this is a straw man for some other issue.
