Married (Unavailable) men and cheating

In My Humble Opinion
61

I guess the thing that is pissing me off about Fluffy’s post is that she singled out married MEN. Honestly, the question would probably be better stated as why to married PEOPLE cheat. Otherwise, I keep picturing some long-suffering Kathy Bates-esque sort of woman clad in an apron and high heels like June Cleaver and sitting at home with the kids while her husband is chasing his Cameron Diaz-esque secretary around his office.

What century are we living in?!?

“I just find it hard to believe that if A married man had an attractive woman and the opportunity right in front of him that he would not act upon it, especially if he thought he would not get caught! Anybody Agree?”

I most definitely do not agree, because like Bad New Baboon, I can just as easily put married “woman” into that sentence. To think that a married man is somehow different than a married woman in how he would react to your hypothetical situation, in my opinion, assumes and makes the leap of faith that men basically just think with their dicks.

I can only give you my own personal situation which is that my husband and I had conversations about infidelity before we got married. Both of us were of the opinion that there would be no situation that either of us could imagine where if the other one were to cheat, would forgive the other person. We both took a scorched earth view to infidelity which would be that we would immediately leave the other person for doing so - regardless if there even might be children involved (to take away that “staying together for the sake of the children” excuse). Basically, we both know how we feel about infidelity and we know that we could never trust the other person again no matter how hard we would try so at that point, there would really be no reason to stay married.

Given that and knowing how we both feel, I can’t imagine a scenario where either of us would cheat. Even if either of us were given the “ideal” situation, we both are intelligent to know what it would be. It’s just a fuck. It’s just a lay. And ultimately, it’s hollow and empty and would never solve any of the problems that led us to stray in the first place. It all boils down to trust. I trust my husband not to do to me that thing that he knows would end our relationship and vice versa. It’s a pact, it’s a vow. Not too much unlike that thing we did two and a half years ago in front of over 100 of our friends and family with me in the white poufy dress and him in the tux.

And before you think I’m all Pollyanna and wearing rose colored glass, I was in a relationship where I caught the guy - in bed - with another woman. Instead of ending it, I “forgave” him but my version of forgiveness was to go out and screw about 4 other guys during what was left of our “relationship”. So, I’ve been both the given and the receiver on this one and I know it’s shitty and lame and basically a real passive aggressive way to lead your life and that ain’t my bag.

BTW, if you go through life thinking all guys are just a bunch of assholes who are looking to score, regardless of the band on their finger, and only think with their dicks, I promise you, those are EXACTLY the guys you’ll find. Self-fulfilling prophecies always come true.

62

trish, well said. I have pretty much the same agreement with my wife but I don’t understand it. Why if “it’s just a fuck” does your marriage hinge on not doing it (either of you)? There must be other agreements you’ve made that a breach wouldn’t cost you your marriage. Why sex?

63

I guess because it’s so intimate, so personal, so what should be a very private, loving act between two people. And I guess also because there is so much other stuff wrapped up in the symbolism of the act itself. Going outside the “marital boudoir”…for what? For acceptance? To feel “loved” again?

I think a lot of it has to do with what the reasoning would be behind the infidelity probably more than the actual act itself. But the act itself would be so intimate; it would be hard to actually separate the two.

I don’t know if that makes any sense whatsoever. But, for me, it would be the ultimate betrayal of trust. Sure, tell me that my ass DOESN’T look fat in these pants and tell me that you think I’m funny when I’m premenstrual and throwing things at your head but please don’t screw the neighbor’s wife. :slight_smile:

64

I’d never cheat, and I’ve had opportunities in the past. If the person with whom I’d consider cheating is that desirable for me, I would (and have done so in the past) break up with my SO rather than cheating. It’s not so much a question of ethics, as ethics are often a slippery slope for me, but rather I can imagine all to well the pain that it would cause me if the situation was reversed, and it would haunt me to visit that pain upon another.

And yes, I know a breakup is very painful, but not as painful as cheating would be. And this I also know from experience.

65

Well, for starters, the cheating spouse introduces the risk of spreading potential deadly STDs to the non-cheating partner, and is therefore breaking biological trust (ie can I trust you enough to not give me an STD?)

Then there is the emotional aspect of sex. Yes, there are still some of us in this world who do not treat sex as a sport. I can only speak for myself when I say that I treat sex as a very special thing, to be shared between two people who trust each other implicitly, regardless of whether the couple is married (this reason can of course be discounted if you don’t treat sex as anything special).

Then of course there is the verbal and written vow of marriage that says that you promise to be faithful to each other, even sexually.

Then of course there is the legal mumbo jumbo of the marriage contract that states infidelity as grounds for divorce.

I would say sexual cheating is a very big thing and grounds for ending a relationship.

[sub]all of this is invalidated of course if the couple agrees to an"open relationship"[/sub]

66

I’ll admit, I didn’t read EVERY post on this thread but, I have to chime in on this one.

I feel that I can speak from both sides of the fence. I’ve been through a few serious relationships, and even a marriage (currently going through divorce) and I have to say that, yes, the thought was always there that, if in the right circumstances, at the right time, I would partake in some extracurricular activities.

Now, however, I’m connected (and I do mean connected) with a women who I hope to marry someday where I just couldn’t imagine going down that road.

Not that I don’t find other women attractive, but, the fact is, I can say for the first time in my life that I am honestly in love. I couldn’t show that disrespect to HER.

So, I’ll summarize by saying, in MY opinion, if you cheat, you’re really unhappy with you are with and are afraid to give them up for whatever reason.

Just MY 2 cents.

67

Well, Bad New Baboon, you may classify this as bringing a personal problem on to the board but I’m sorry but I’m that woman who gets all the offers from married men. I’m single and in my thirties, cover every inch of my flesh and I’m still fighting them off. Soemtimes one or two a year. And no, I have never made any kind of offer to a married or otherwise hooked-up guy and no, I have never accepted any kind of affair either. But yes, it keeps happening. And men’s motives are as varied as their lives. Sometimes they just want to get at or isolate their wives - that’s when it’s the childminder’s husband or a friend’s husband that tries it on. Sometimes they are just downright promiscuous - sickos. Sometimes, sorry guys, a married man genuinely ‘falls in love’ with someone else. Yes, maybe this last one does indicate a problem in his marriage. But it is not necessarily his fault if after ten years and three children his wife appears to have no more interest in him (sexual or otherwise). Men don’t get dead from the neck-down after three babies or the age of forty.

The last one I had to see off (and I needed assistance) was in his fifties and just ego-tripping. He likes and needs admiration and wanted that and more from me and wasn’t going to get it. Fortunately my sources had informed me that he had been up to stuff before elsewhere so I spotted him coming otherwise I might not have suspected such a venerable gent and thought he was just being friendly (but obviously fifty-year-olds are not dead from the neck down either).

But personally, I find this stuff very depressing and actually it makes me cry to be the object of this kind of attention - it’s so humiliating. Why do they think I would be happy or grateful for such a disrespectful ‘relationship’ if it were to ensue. I hate them, really. Chancers, all.

And no, I’m not gorgeous, just kind of normal-looking and a bit plumper than the media would have us believe is attractive.

68

** Razor **,

It’s one thing to discuss a personal problem as it relates to the topic at hand, it is another to bring up topics brought up else where simply because you are mad at one of the posters.

(examples, in a thread about chocolate bunnies, let’s say:

jack: Does anyone here love chocolate bunnies?

correct:
jane: you know, eatting chocolate bunnies makes me break out.

incorrect:
jane: well, hearing that from a guy who needs to take viagra and whose wife left him, I don’t think ANYTHING you have to say about chocolate bunnies is valid)

The mods have asked to not use these boards as a venue to attack others due to personal reasons.

I am sorry if I was misunderstood in what I said.

And yes, I agree, there are men out there who will flirt and cheat, etc. There are women who will do the same.

My point was that to make a blanket statement about ALL men is just wrong.

69

When I started this thread, I think I was just trying to get a sense of what men and women thought about the subject of married or otherwise unavailable men cheating. Is it the general consensus that a man will if theres no chance of getting caught, etc. I’ll admit, in my experience most (not all) married men that I or my friends know, have gone outside the marriage for sex. IF it sounded like a blanket statement about all men I apologize to the guys out there. This thread just proves some have and will cheat others haven’t and would never cheat. It’s interesting hearing the guys perspective.

70

I’d say no poster here has the moral, ideological or intellectual authority to judge someone’s posts as “assinine”.

Most all questions are derived from ignorance. And a question is the first step to not being ignorant, no matter what the topic or how ignorant. Don’t be too sorry Fluffy, unless this board doesn’t allow questions. Only very few people, such as myself, know everything there is to know about everything.

Also (to everyone), I initially misunderstood Bad News Baboon’s original post.

71

as·i·nine:
1.Utterly stupid or ** silly: asinine behavior**.
2.Of, relating to, or resembling an ass

If the OP had used the word people instead of men, I would not have called it asinine.

If the OP had used the phrase: some or most men, I would not have called it asinine.

If the OP gave the indication of being very young, I would not use the word asinine.

I would think that by being in their 30’s, one has learned enough to not make broad brush statement about any group of questions.

if the OP asked:

“Why do all black people…”
“why do all fat people…”

if the OP had asked, as I mentioned earlier “women and gold digging”

etc…

well, all of those are offensive.

Now then, Fluffy has explained her point about not meaning to use such a broad brush and I have explained my reaction.

perhaps you didn’t read this:

you may try and disguise it with humor by saying only ‘you know everything’, but I am asking you again, for the second time publicaly, to please knock it off.

72

should be: group of people.

73

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this thread since reading it yesterday and wanted to contribute my thoughts…

The definition of “cheating” seems to be mostly sexual in this discussion. Is that the only way a man can cheat? It seems to me that the sexual act is often just the result of a long period of “emotional” cheating.

In other words, I’m not sure I buy into the “hot woman presents herself and guy takes her” view of cheating. I’m sure it happens, but I don’t believe it’s the main mechanism of cheating.

I’ve been happily married nearly seventeen years. MrsKevinLeeC and we have what I would describe as an “idyllic” marriage. It’s not perfect and it’s not always sunshine and roses, but there’s a ton of honesty and respect and a whole lot of shared enjoyment.

If somebody came along and said, “Take me big boy”, I’d turn 'em down cold. (In fact, I’ve had dreams like this and it pleases me to say that even in my dreams I’ve been faithful.)

However, if I let myself get emotionally entagled with another woman–I mean really connected to the point that I spent a lot of time with her–I could imagine rationalizing all sorts of things.

For just that reason, I stay out of situations and circumstances where I might be tempted to seek that emotional connection. I have female friends of course, but I try to know and respect my boundaries. ("…and avoid the near occasion of sin…")

So, while I don’t cheat, I can see how it could happen. And I have seen it happen to other guys. I’m a little leary of “it would never happen to me” and I’m very careful about the circumstances in which I place myself.

74

I told you what would happen if this continues.

Lockdown.