Married young: Did you get comments on it?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I met my husband when I was 19. Our 2nd date was his 27th birthday. He proposed six weeks later. :smiley:

However, we waited a while to make sure that our gut feelings were right … and so I could legally drink on our honeymoon. We got married six weeks after I turned 21, and celebrated anniversary #6 this past June. Our son is 18 months old and baby #2 is due in early February. Less than two months after our first date, we just knew, and we were right. His parents met when they were 12, started dating at 15, and got married at 19. That was over 40 years ago.

OTOH, my best friend (same age as me) got married two weeks before we did. Her marriage lasted 2 years and 360 days.

22

Well, I personally didn’t marry young; in fact, it wasn’t until the day after my 27th birthday, and by then, my mom was getting plenty nervous that I’d be “an old maid” :rolleyes:

I have a niece, OTOH, who married at 19. She and her husband had been together for four years (he’s about 8 years older than her, if memory serves*). For a combination of reasons, though they’d been together for years, they had a very short (3 weeks) engagement. The combination of her youth and the short engagement convinced everyone on his side of the family that she must be pregnant. In fact, their first child wasn’t born until 3 years after their marriage, and they needed fertility drugs to accomplish that. They’ve been married about 14 years now, have three children, and certainly seem to be happy together.

Some people are ready to marry that young, some people aren’t ready until they’re older, and some people are just never ready.

*Lest you think her parents (my sister and BIL) were out of their minds for letting their 15-year-old date a 23-year-old, let me add he looks very young, and she lied to her parents for the first couple of years of the relationship. I think when they first started dating, she told her parents he was 18, then she aged him another year about every 6 months. :wink: By the time they figured out the truth, niece and hubby had been together quite a while and it seemed pointless to try to break it up at that point.

23

Well, in my family my parents, and grandparents, all married in their 30s. Only spouses for each. (My father’s parents married, divorced, married, then divorced again - so you can’t say “only marriage.”) My sister just got married at 34. First marriage.

I’m not trying to suggest that people wait that long. Just offering what my family experience is. (I don’t count as I’m a life-long bachelor, and at this point don’t expect marriage/love to show up at all.)

24

It is extremely rude to say anything and people need to bite their tongue.

Having said that, when I look back on my early 20s and my late 20s and see how much I changed even in 10 years, yes I do wonder if marrying before at least, say 25, is too young. Mainly because it would have been far too young for me. Some of these people at least may be thinking of their own experiences.

But that doesn’t by any means excuse people for not keeping their mouth shut.

25

Well, we married when we were 23. People who knew us and had known we were together for four years before we married didn’t say much, because they knew we were both mature and committed, and they’d seen my husband in action and knew we’d be great taking care of each other.

But I remember once getting a ‘‘you’re too young’’ comment from someone I barely knew.

WTF? 23 is too young? I’d been an adult for six years, he was finished with college, I had just a year left and the two of us are the most careful planners you’d ever meet. We had the ‘‘should we have kids?’’ conversation within the first week of our relationship, we’d talked about our financial goals, our perspectives on raising kids, what we’d do in the event I got pregnant unexpectedly, everything one would want to know before agreeing to such a wild commitment. Obviously life hands you curveballs that aren’t in the plans, but we’d had enough of those to know we’ll be okay.

EIGHTEEN is too young… I’d even think maybe TWENTY is too young, not that it’s any of my business… but 23? Come the fuck on.

I’m sorry if YOU were a naive and irresponsible idiot at that age, but I’m not and neither is my husband.

(My vitriol is not directed at anyone in this thread. I just hate the whole ‘‘young and stupid’’ meme, I really do.)

26

peeks out of safe lurker-hole…Wow! Lots of replies.

I was talking to a friend about this after I started the thread, and he said it wouldn’t have bothered him, that it would have just seemed like someone was making conversation. shrug To each his own. I guess what I was primarily thinking about was people who it really doesn’t concern immediately jumping to “You’re getting married?!! :eek: But you’re so young!” without really any concern for you. I see it being similar to people who harp on childless couples to have a kid already. If you don’t get married between A and B and then have kids between X and Y, you’ve wandered and people feel the need to guide you back to the true path. (And just the right amount of kids too! Not just one! Not too many, either!)

I really appreciated talking about it with people who were close to me, because I knew why they were interested. I knew they cared about me, and would offer good advice. I really appreciated these people. Also, it wasn’t like I got this all the time, but I noticed when it happened. (The rest of the time I got happy bubbly congratulations and became the center of attention–which was a whole 'nother problem.)

But I had one woman who barely knew me, who had heard it from one of my friends, come up to me and give me a look and say, “Aren’t you a little young to be engaged?” and then she just waited for me to say something. Like I had to make my case to her or something. What? You barely know me. I don’t comment on your personal life. I felt like she was just getting fodder for the rumor mill.

I vaguely remember looking at a chart showing that the younger people married, the higher the divorce percentage, and it does make sense that younger people would tend to be more impetuous and have more growing to do. (I’ll take my risks with the statistics and let you know how it worked out. ;)) That’s not the concern of Flo, that busybody from Accounting, though.

I do agree with this, OtakuLoki:

The difference between me at 17 and 19 and at 20 and 22 is striking. The difference between me at 17 and me at 24 is mindblowing. But sometimes the things that change are good for marriage and sometimes they’re bad. One of my closest friends is around my age, and he’s definitely not interested in or ready for a committed relationship. He’s mature enough to realize that about himself, though, and maybe that’s the most important thing–being able to understand yourself and admit your strengths and flaws.

Maybe this is a topic for another thread, but since I started this one, I don’t mind hijacking it a little. (Maybe it’s because I’m in my early 20s and I’ve done lots of changing and growing in the past 10 years, so it seems like the norm to me.) It seems like you could take any 5 to 10 year period in a person’s life and say that they’ll be a different person at the beginning and the end. Is there really ever a point where you stabilize? I’ve seen people mellow and change as they age, and it seems to me that this is an ongoing process.

27

I was 24 when I married and my bride was 21. No one ever said we were too young or questioned if we knew what we were doing. I’d never really thought about our ages that way until I saw this thread.

Mostly I’m just glad I found someone to love when I was so young, rather than ending up posting on the boards about how hard it is to get a date!

Maybe the fact that I had a good job and we’d been together for about four years before we married effected people’s thinking. I’m not sure.

28

Hm, I guess I got married “young” then too. I was 23 . . . and he was 34 (and never married). I don’t remember getting “you’re so young” as much as “he’s so old.” :smiley: But then again, people were telling us that we were like an old married couple when we’d been together a month.

Now we ARE an old married couple (17 years and counting). Who knew?

I also call rude on people who make stupid remarks.

29

Oh, and interestingly enough, we did rush into it, and I don’t recall anyone saying anything negative about that. Maybe it was all lumped together. Of course, we lived together for about a year before we got married, so that might have had something to do with it. The only people who did have a problem with it were my parents, and really their complaint was moving in with him before marriage. (I’ve since asked them if they would have preferred I get married during college after dating for only 6 months, and they’ve just sighed.)

30

They tried to tell us we’re too young
Too young to really be in love
They say that love’s a word
A word we’ve only heard
But can’t begin to know the meaning of.

I married a 22-year-old when I was 21. We got comments, most surprisingly from couples who married each other at comparable ages.

31

Which is why I think monogamy for one and for all is an eminently stupid idea. Some of us are equipped to do it, some of us aren’t, and it’s ridiculous to assume that the person you marries at 20 will still be the person for you at 40. I’m not coming down either way, I’m just saying everyone should be able to make their own choices, and not have monogamy shoved down their throats.

32

Hear, hear.
My wife and I got married when I was 26 and she was 23. I don’t recall any mentions of her being too young from anyone.

33

I was 23 at our wedding, SpouseO was 22. I don’t remember any comments, but that might be because Mom married Dad when she was 19 and he 21. SpouseO’s parents also married young - I believe his dad had to get permission from his parents since he was under 21 (or some such). We’ve been together 7 years now.

While I don’t remember comments, when I look back on it myself, sometimes I think we were awfully young to be married. We’d been together forever - nearly 6 years before we married (high school sweethearts), so it’s not like we rushed into it, and we fully knew what we were doing, but sometimes I’m like, wow, 23 was pretty young. But I don’t regret it, and I’d never change a thing. Love you, SpouseO.

34

I got married at 25, and in my pre-wedding checkup, my 30ish doctor (who is married and has kids) tsk-tsked over how young I was, and warned me not to have kids for a while. So I didn’t tell her that my fiance was only 21. We marry young and fast in our culture (I was an old maid at 22), but our 3 week dating and 5 month engagement were talked about. 2 years together, going on 2 years married, still a great team.

35

Yes I got married young (19, he was 24), and yes we got comments.

When we divorced we didn’t get the I-told-you-so looks or comments, but then again we’d been married for 16 years.

I don’t offer unsolicited advice to people but if asked, I will say it’s usually better to wait to get married. As others have said upthread, people change a lot in their 20s, and not always in the same way.

36

Typo Knig and I got married when we were 23. The only people who had anything negative to say about it were my parents who, among other things, accused us of rushing into it (we’d been dating for nearly 6 years, considered ourselves engaged for 4 of those, and waited 2 years after college to marry so “rushing into it” would seem to be inaccurate). Then again, my parents’ objections had little to do with the age and a lot to do with the fact that they simply did not like Typo for a variety of reasons.

We’ll be celebrating our 25th next summer and I still think I got a pretty good bargain! One of my greatest sorrows is that my parents never came out and admitted that perhaps, just PERHAPS, I had not in fact married the Antichrist :(.

37

First off, thanks to everyone in the thread for not jumping on me for my contrarian viewpoint.

I think you bring up a valid point that there will always be personality changes in people in any five year period of their lives. I would have to be convinced that they’re the same degree of changes that happen in the period I’d first mentioned: 18-23.

I’ve never seen anyone, friend or family, go through a 180 degree change after about age 30. I’ve seen lots and lots of people do that between 18 and 23. The impression I have is that while people can and do continue to grow and change as they age, beyond a certain point they’re refining themselves down the path or image they’d already started. It just seems more likely that the changes that people go through in those years are far more likely to result in younger couples going in different directions, than the changes they’ll go through when they’re older.

I can’t provide evidence to back that up, and I recognize I may be wrong - but that’s how things look to me, now.
ETA: And again, let me emphasize when I was making the comments it was also in recognition that the couples would be facing stresses that were unusual for most newly married couples. Deployments make everything harder on families.

38

I was 20, he was 21. Yes, we got lots of comments, and lots of people assumed I must be pregnant (never have been, never will be). My parents did try to convince us to wait until after graduation, or at least until that summer (we married during Spring Break). They at least knew what the challenges of marrying young were, since they were married at 18, but they didn’t pull the “you’re too young” card on us, since they knew I would’ve thrown that back in their face. My family seems to marry young. Parents: 18. Me: 20. My brother: 23. My sister: 21.

My parents have been married 35 years. We’ve been married 13. Both my siblings have been married 7 years.

39

I was 23, he was 24, mind you we’ve been married 2 years now and together for 6.

Yes, I got the “child bride” comments, but I found the person I’m meant to be with and I’m just lucky I found him earlier than most people. I partied hard in my teens, and had 2 years of LDR, so I’m quite happy to be settled, monogamous and boring.

I didn’t want to be one of those couples who were together for 10 years before they get engaged, and another 10 before they marry. I’ve never had any doubts that he is the one for me and we didn’t see why we should wait to marry if we were both sure it was what we wanted.

I know I’m happier in my life than any of my single friends (judging by the why-did-he-dump-me telephone conversations, drunken weeping on girls’ nights out and general I’ll-never-find-a-man panic) and frankly I’m glad not to be involved in that whole scene.

Smile and nod and wave it off. A long and happy marriage is your best revenge.

40

I was 23 and my wife was 22. (We had been dating for almost four years by that time, but we probably wouldn’t have waited as long if we hadn’t been in college when we started dating. Both of us thought it was important to finish school and have at least some experience living on our own before we got married.) What can I say, sometimes you just know exactly what you want.

I don’t remember getting any comments about age, except from some random waitress who saw my wedding band and said “You look way too young to be married!” I do have kind of a young-looking face though, she probably thought I was 18 or something.