Everybody thought I was pregnant, too. We just wanted to get married.
My parents have actually brought up that idea to me as a reason to get married young - that you want to refine your personality within the relationship, so that you grow together, as a way of improving the quality of your bond.
I have seen it as a problem in one of my aunt’s lives that she did not marry until 35, and was already set in her ways. Her husband was 40, and they had/have very different ways of doing things, from being adults on their own for so long before ‘joining a team’.
I can see both sides of the argument, that it is important to become your own person, but that it its also important to bend for the sake of the team (team unity?).
Never got that comment. I was 18 she was 17.
But then that was 38 years ago. I did get the too young comment when I became a grandparent at 39.
I still - to this day - get comments on how young I was when I got married. I was 19, he was 30. “You’re too young!” “You need to live first!”
After a while, it wore thin, and I found that it irritated me a great deal.
The years have passed, and now, when someone tells me that I was “soooo young!” or “too young!”, I smile sweetly at them and remind them that I’ve been married to my man for 20 years.
We grew together, and have formed a bond that is wonderfully sweet, funny and loving. We know each other well.
Just last night, as we were walking across the parking lot to go to a restaurant, my husband turned to me and said, “After dinner, maybe we can take a stroll over to Menard’s and look at the lighting.” I stopped walking, looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Lover, I would stroll anywhere with you.”
The people in the parking lot got an eyeful of him swooping me up for a romantic hug and kiss.
I’m still shaking my head that 23 is seriously considered too young to marry by some people.
Could not possibly agree more. People change, events happen–some people were never cut out in the first place and shouldn’t be forced to shove themselves into that little box of monogamy. I feel incredibly lucky to be so in love, and to feel I have such great compatability/friendship with my husband. I figure, if anyone is going to make it, it’s us. We were both born for monogamy, it’s just in us.
HOWEVER, when we got married, I made it a point not to include anything in my vows along the lines of, ‘‘We’ll be together forreeeeever.’’ Because shit happens. I wanted by Buddhist beliefs to be a part of my vows, and that includes the knowledge that change is a fundamental part of life. You might as well try to hold back the tide rather than try to keep things the same way forever.
I don’t think divorce necessarily has to be a bad thing. What makes it bad is when people are bitter and immature and hurt their children in the process, as well as the financial ramifications it can have. Believe me, I’ve seen a million horrible divorces–but I’ve also seen amicable ones, ones where the divorcees remain friends, find new parts of their identity they didn’t know existed, and improve their respective lives tenfold. Divorce in and of itself – ending an agreement because, hey, it’s just not working out and I’m not happy anymore – why does that have to be a bad thing?
I’m a little torn --on the one hand, I think marriage in general is kind of silly for exactly that reason. On the other hand, I take my own marriage dead serious and regard it with an irrationally strong sense of loyalty and instinct for preservation. So YMMV I guess.
I got married too young and I was 26.
Still, the important thing to me is that both spouses have a backup plan. I hate to see people (most often young women) get married without any skills to fall back on in the case of the marriage not lasting. I’ve seen far too many women not have any means of support if they are divorced or widowed.
That’s actually what happened in our relationship. There’s a great line in Wilco’s “Pick Up the Change.” We used to have a lot of things in common/but you know now we’re just the same. Pretty much sums up my marriage…and I can guarantee I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago when we first met.
My mother married at 16 (my father was 25 and her high school English teacher) and never caught flack. Marriage at that age was not unusual in the area where she grew up (though it was in her family - her mother and sister married in their 20s) but she assured my sister that she would tie her to a tree before she’d give consent for her to be married (i.e. she was not allowed to marry at any age that required parental consent) and that she would stop paying for her college or any other assistance if she married before she was 22.
My brother skipped sixth grade and started college at 16, then married the month he graduated and turned 21, which she also thought was too young, but he’s still with his wife 26 years later. My sister married at 24 and is also still with her husband 25 years later. My first cousin who married at 20 in a “high society” function, however, has been married 4 times, and she attributes the failure of the first one to age (his more than her’s- he hadn’t sown the oats and all).
I didn’t get any comments when I married, but I got them when I moved in with my ex, after she got pregnant, when I was 22. I wasn’t really surprised at the vague suggestions that my male friends made, that I would be looking for a friendly couch before the year was out. I was shocked by the reactions of my female friends, all of whom seemed to think I’d been “tricked” or “trapped.” We did wind up splitting up, 15 years later.
Hey! I indirectly sparked a thread!
It was clear to me that the comment I got was coming purely from self reflection on the part of the commenter. When she was 22 she was in a long relationship with the guy that she thought she would marry. It didn’t work out (obviously) and she was grateful. Apparently the comment did rankle, though, since I remember it eight years later.
The only other comment I got was from my research advisor who wanted to know if I was pregnant when I got engaged. He wasn’t trying to be rude or nosy - I was working with teratogens. (and he claimed I had been wearing baggy clothing - whatever.)
We got no flack from our families, but after looking over this thread I wonder how much of that was because my husband is eight years older than me. Apparently 30 is a perfectly fine age to marry. My husband did have some concerns that I would miss out on the “wild oats” portion of my life, but I can honestly say I didn’t mind. I’d like to think some of the success was due to being more mature than your average 22yr old, but maybe I’m just boring. 
The Mr. and I got married when we were both 27. At the time we had been dating for 5.5 years and figured what the hell. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary a week ago today. So that makes 9.5 years together (has it really been that long??)
My dad’s side of the family was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you that we had waited so long to get married… as pretty much all of my cousins had hitched the wedding wagon in their early 20’s and started breeding.
But the amount of time you dated prior to marriage has no real bearing on how the marriage will endure.
My B-I-L and my now ex-S-I-L dated for 11 years before getting married, at age 34. The marriage fell apart after a year and a half. She wanted to start a family and he wanted to bang the deli girl (deli hag is more like it) at the grocery store where he works as a butcher.
I do, however, think that if your age ends in a -teen you are probably too young to marry, but that is my opinion.
I think, LVgeogeek, you are hitting on why I am so surprised to hear that many people get grief for marrying at 23. Around where I’m from, it’s not unusual at all to get married at 19 or 20. Half the women in my family got knocked up as teenagers and married young… it’s just kind of a local expectation. The fact that I waited alllll those years to get married – and never even got pregnant–is something of a source of pride in the context of my local society.
I married my college boyfriend just after graduation when we were both 22. We had dated for four years. Three years and three months later we were divorced. At the time, my mother commented that she had heard that one should never marry one’s college sweetheart. Very good advice. I am a firm believer that one should live on one’s own and be self-supported, before you take that leap. My ex and I were both the youngest child from large families. Absolutely too spoiled and immature to get married, although I didn’t see it that way at the time.
Another example: I met my former horse trainer when she was 19 and a newlywed. Her husband was several years older. She kept insisting to me that, even though they were young, she was very mature and had made the right decision. I put up with him (the moron) because I liked her. After six years, they called it quits. I was thrilled when she told me they were divorcing.
Thinking back, I should have listened to my sisters commenting on my ex: “Daddy loves him. Run like hell.”
I’m right with you there. I’m a hardcore monogamist myself, and so is my husband. But I do think we give marriage and monogamy way too much status in our society. Not everyone should get married, just as not everyone should be a writer, or a lawyer, or a car mechanic. What’s good for me might be crap for the next guy…so why do we have to hold one of us up as morally superior? I’m not buying it.
I married at 15 and again at 20. Yes, I got comments.
I married to get out of a very abusive household. Had I not done so, I don’t doubt I would be dead, either a suicide or an “unkinown intruder” that would have been a coverup.
The second time was to get my husband’s male lover a Green Card.
I’ve been single since age 25 and don’t see that changing.