My post above should have a smilie face (and possibly a facepalm)
Do it 'til you wear it out!!
There was this guy, in his 20s, who had some urological problems so he went to a urologist, a beautiful, voluptuous, just-out-of-med-school blonde woman. She was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
As the examination started, she said to the young man, You must stop masturbating."
He asked her why.
She said,
“Because I’m trying to examine you…”
A Facebook meme on the subject, which I don’t have handy, points out the irony of Major’s reference to a 25,000 year old artificial phallus by someone who is likely a young earth creationist.
I’m going to hell with a great big smile on my face!
Well it would be highly immoral to think demonic thoughts about women masturbating.
On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with thinking very deeply and extensively about women masturbating, and how demonic it is for them to do so. Indeed, it may be necessary for him to watch internet videos of women masturbating just to check for demons, and so he can write (well informed) comments about the practice. He probably needs to check on whether his theories about the demonic nature of women masturbating are correct by thinking about women masturbating and seeing if it causes him to become influenced by demons that make it impossible for him not to masturbate. He probably tests this regularly. He probably regularly needs to reinforce to his female followers (particularly Jane with the large breasts, and Margaret, who wears short skirts) just how they shouldn’t masturbate with big dildoes, mouths open, panting. He would undoubtedly have religious visions during his sleep that remind him of just how important women masturbating is as a topic for his future rants.
So the devil makes me do it, eh?
When I was just beginning puberty, my Dad told me that masturbation lead to blindness. These many years later, I am quite near-sighted. Just sayin’
I’ve read in both Jehovah’s Witnesses and Roman Catholic tracts that God hates masturbators.
Speaking as a pagan, that man has a lot to learn about paganism.
Hell? That…? I guess they’re fucked then…
Me too! 
I was nearsighted long before I reached puberty.
Wherever the women are, men soon show up. That’s why bars have ladies nights.
Hard to type accurately when your fingers are slippery ?
And then you said: “Dad, I’m over here!”
Now that I think of it, my Dad did wear tri-focals. 
For some reason, “tri-focals” reminds me of that old saying about the three stages of sex for married couples throughout their life:
Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly
A friend of mine once showed me through an old house in the country that his family owned. In a small bookcase there were some very old books. One was part of a “youth and health” series and was titled “What Every Young Man Should Know” The author spoke of how “self abuse” could lead to madness, and that he knew personally a young man who was insane due to masturbation.
I have a Boy Scout manual ca. 1920 – possibly one my father used – with the same frightening message. Today, the only place where such nonsense is believed is Utah.
Boy Scouts. Great. Did they put forth that message (which I cannot remember seeing) to support their Scoutmasters, some of whom are apparently a bit like priests?