It is ridiculous to think that JUST because you are married or living together, that your desire for sex will be the same all the time.
When I have found ex boyfriend’s playboys… I was turned on. I think their interest in females and sex is attractive. I was also grateful… I found playboys and not kiddie porn!
I’d rather a b/f masturbated than cheated on me. I’m not insecure. I don’t even care if he is thinking about me when he does it. It’s his life… let him fantasize. Screw the thought police.
SlowMindThinking while it may be “standard Christian philosophy” it sure as blazes isn’t mine! Then again, I’ve noticed my co-religionists believe all sorts of strange things.
I’ve never married, although I did come close once. I certainly didn’t expect him to stop masturbating, nor did he expect me to. This may be unconventional for a Christian, but I believe we are created to be sexual human beings and we should not completely deny our sexuality, although we shouldn’t misuse it, either. To me, masturbating is not misusing it. In fact, I’d argue strongly it beats the alternatives, say, for me, having a one-night stand.
Belrix, I’m with the other folks who’ve been saying if anything, it’s your friend’s wife who’s being selfish. Then again, I don’t think she’d approve of me, either.
Hubby and I often have occasions when one of us is not available for sex (for instance, he works out of town a couple of days a week and is gone for one or two nights). If you’re masturbating because you’re no longer interested in having sex with your spouse, then you’re in trouble. But if everything’s fine, but you need some release, that’s not a problem at all.
Having said that, I will say that hubby thinks it’s rude for either of us to masturbate while we’re in bed together. If we need a “helping hand”, we will gladly help each other.
cjhoworth, MissBungle, and Troy, I’m not saying he shouldn’t masturbate. And I’m hardly saying we shouldn’t be sexual beings. I wasn’t a virgin when I married, and I have five kids. Well, at least thatls what she says.
I’m saying that fantasizing about someone else is dangerous for a committed man. Troy is right, the analogy of murder and thinking “I want to kill the guy” is perfect. Do you really think the Dali Lama is that close to road rage? If you don’t think the thought, you can’t start the action. Let me ask you this, would you even consider fantasizing about your mother? Gross and disgustingly wrong. Why?
I hope it’s not wrong! I’ve done it at the SOs house once or twice. Especially during that time of the month. I would feel squicked out doing anything down there that involved my SO (I’m a bit self conscious about the odor and the like), but since it’s as clean as it usually is (tampons!), I have no problem doing it. However, during this time, I’m quite apt to give head, so it’s not as though there’s no sexual exchange. If he were to do it–well, I’m certain he has–I wouldn’t mind. …I wouldn’t even mind watching, but that’s a whole other story.
You see, my attitude toward fantasies may be even less conventional. It’s if you are not prepared to deal with the person your asking’s answer whatever that is, you’re really better off not asking. From what I gather, human beings fantasize about some rather amazing things. Compared to them, another human being is mild!:o That said, if someone is consistently fantasizing about someone other than their spouse who is accessible, it might be a good idea to talk about it. What I mean by “accessible” is, if I were married, fantasizing about David Copperfied would be ok; fantasizing about my best friend’s husband wouldn’t be. Then again, I also realize that different marriages run under different rules.
I guarantee you that the Dalai Lama has gotten pissed off once or twice. It’s a basic human emotion. Jesus did it, overturning the tables at the temple (Matthew 21:12-13).
Me and my girlfriend just celebrated our one-year anniversary together last weekend. In that time, I’ve seen lots of beautiful women, and I’ve fantasized about them. I also masturbate to porn, none of which features my girlfriend. (Quiet, peanut gallery.)
Does any of that, in and of itself, really mean anything? No. Can it mean anything? Yes, but that’s based on an individual’s own morals and judgement, and it not a fair basis for restricting what is considered acceptable for me to think. Catch my drift?
I don’t think masturbation is wrong or disrespectful to one’s partner. Nor is it selfish (unless, as pointed out, the person only wishes to masturbate.) It is not depriving the other partner of sex because, well, goddamn, sometimes a person just feels like jerking off!
In the area of adultery, I don’t think fantasizing is wrong. I mean, I can imagine situations that would make me uncomfortable (having sex with a serious partner, and he’s pretending he’s sleeping with my best friend or my mother… more than once in a blue moon). That would bother me if I somehow found out–I wouldn’t ask. It’s one of those things, you might be sorry you asked.
I do think that dwelling on something (like how badly he really wants to sleep with my best friend) can lead to action. But of course, it depends on the person. I was in a serious relationship for 2 years and there was this guy in our social group that I wanted in the worst way. But I’m not the type to cheat, so I could have fantasized about him 'til the end of time and it wouldn’t have prompted me to do anything.
I think God will forgive someone from having sexual thoughts about other people. We’re only human! It’s when it moves beyond mere fantasy that it’s a problem.
I think God will forgive you even if it does move beyond fantasy. It’s your partner that might have the problem. (I believe that Jesus was really trying to tell people, hey, not only is it only human to think such thoughts, everybody does it. So don’t be too critical of those who follow through on their thoughts, they aren’t that different from you.)
Religious beliefs aside, my other two points are that: 1) There is nothing like an orgasm for positive reinforcment. With sufficient reinforcement, a fantasy can lead to a fetish, or an affair, or nothing at all. (Or, possibly, one well developed wrist.) 2) Thinking about somebody else while having sex is, at best, not making love, and at worst, treating your partner like a receptacle.
Cite, please. I’d love to see passages written by eminent Xian theologans, arguing this point.
I’ve heard rumours that thoughts=acts in the Church Of Latter-Day Saints, but I’m taking that with a grain of salt. Anyone familiar with LDS teachings, please learn me good.
I really hope that this was discussed pre-marriage. However, it’s probably a lot to expect that people are as open in discussing sex as I tend to be. <wry grin>
Anyway, I think masturbation while married or in any other relationship is absolutely healthy. To use a euphemism of the 1980s, it’s “me time,” while sex with my partner is more likely to be about both of us. I don’t feel the need to share my fantasies with my partner nor do I expect him to be pressured to do the same. If he’s thinking about Winona Ryder, I don’t need to know that; if he’s thinking up a great location, position or scene…well, I hope I’ll hear about it eventually.
I also understand that I can’t be on his mind 100% of the time during the act…but would probably be concerned if he spent most of his time fantasizing about someone else.
kung fu lola - That thoughts can be sinful is Catholic theology, definitely. During Mass we say “…I have sinned through my own fault; *in my thoughts *and in my words, in what I have done and what I have failed to do…”
My ex-wife was like this. It got so bad that eventualy she got to the point to where she didn’t even want me to go see R-rated movies out of fear that I might see some other womans naked boobies. JEEZ! talk about insecure. It wouldn’t surprize me a bit if the woman in the OP were my ex-wife!
I’m not Christian and don’t give a flip about Christian beliefs, but I think there’s a fairly easy way of dealing with the “no masturbation if you’re married because it selfishly denies your spouse an opportunity for sex” meme.
Call her on it. Say to your spouse, OK, I’ll do as you say and every time I get horny I will turn to you and not masturbate. But that means you have to have sex with me whenever I get horny. If I have an obligation to make you the only potential option for sexual release, you have an obligation to be there for me whenever I need sex."
Then every time you feel frisky, go for her. One of two things will happen – you and she will have a LOT of happy sex. Or she’ll back off and say, “OK, OK, masturbate already! Eight times a day is just too much to ask of me!”
I’m not Christian and don’t give a flip about Christian beliefs, but I think there’s a fairly easy way of dealing with the “no masturbation if you’re married because it selfishly denies your spouse an opportunity for sex” meme.
Call her on it. Say to your spouse, OK, I’ll do as you say and every time I get horny I will turn to you and not masturbate. But that means you have to have sex with me whenever I get horny. If I have an obligation to make you the only potential option for sexual release, you have an obligation to be there for me whenever I need sex."
Then every time you feel frisky, go for her. One of two things will happen – you and she will have a LOT of happy sex. Or she’ll back off and say, “OK, OK, masturbate already! Eight times a day is just too much to ask of me!”
