Masturbation within marriage. Selfish?

Inspired by the recent masturbation thread and an opinion from a woman I know, I’ve decided to look like I have a one track mind and ask this question.

For you married dopers, or those within an analogous monogamous relationship, how do you feel about your partner were he/she to be solo masturbating? I’m not counting that sexual play that is part of usual couples sex.

The woman I know says that it selfish. She also considers it near-adultry if any fantisizing involved is about someone other than the usual live-in partner. (I’m trying to be very inclusive with this example. The real comment was that if the husband is jerking-off while fantisizing about someone other than his wife, then he is both being selfish - by denying the wife the potential opportunity for sex - and he is sort-of cheating on her since she is not the object of the fantasy.)

What do you think?

I’ve been married for eight years and know that both my husband and myself ‘take matters into our own hands’ on occasion. Very often one of us isn’t in the mood, or one is traveling, or we just have some extra energy to expend.

And I don’t mind about the fantasizing either, nor does my husband.

I think that’s absolutely ridiculous, and married people (like single people) should do whatever they want with their body, as long as it’s not a detriment to others. The only way it’s a problem (IMHO) is if one partner wants sex and the other ignores those needs and prefers masturbation to real life contact. Someone’s individual sexual fantasies are theirs and not adultry, unless you believe in the concept of “thinking about it is cheating”, which I also find ridiculous.

[Mrs. George Castanza] “YOU’RE TREATING YOUR BODY AS IF IT WERE AN AMUSMENT PARK!”[/Mrs. George Castanza]

I encourage my husband to “take matters into his own hands” as often as he wants. I don’t care. Sometimes he even does it while we’re both in bed.

It’s not like theres a limited supply is there? I think wives should be relieved that their husbands masturbate, as opposed to all the other things that could be done.

Does it count as near-adultery if there’s fantasazing about a non-partnerial person being done while actual sex is being had? Because, if so, I’m screwed. Figuratively speaking, of course.

I’m not married, but I’m in a commited relationship and I still masturbate. Generally when he’s not around and I’m a bit frisky… but sometimes I’ll even do it after sex if I want a bit more than he does. :wink: He thinks it’s groovy and I think it’s just common sense and would expect him to do the same if I felt done before he did.

I’m pretty sure he masturbates when I’m not around, and it doesn’t matter much what he’s thinking about then… I’d rather not KNOW, of course… I don’t need to worry about it anymore than he needs to worry about where my mind trails off to during masturbation.

If one of us were to start fantasizing about someone else while we were having sex, I would assume there was a bit a rift in the relationship, but only because we’re not really prone to thinking about other people and it would be an abrupt change, I’d think.

Methinks the woman in the OP’s scenario might be a little immature and insecure.

While fantasizing about someone other than your partner MAY, if anything, indicate relationship boredom, it’s silly to consider it adultery.

Masturbating in any scenario is fine, too. Like Zette said, as long as it’s not replacing any and all relationship sex, which again would obviously indicate deeper problems, there’s nothing wrong with it.

Total non-issue IMO.

The thing that is selfish in the OP is that the wife demands that his sexual appetites and, indeed, his very thoughts be owned by her. “He’s mine dammit, ALL mine. His body, his feelings, his mind, yea his very soul!”

Sounds like a controlling, deluded, deeply insecure nightmare of a spouse. A train-wreck-to-be.

:: get out of the house. now! ::

I’m with Zette, Triss, and FranticMad. A person’s thoughts belong to them, and so do their bodies. If anything’s selfish, it’s the desire to control every aspect of your partners life including their private fantasies. The woman in the OP sounds like she’s got some utterly ludicrous ideas about relationships in her head.

You all do know that standard Christian philosophy is that a married person lusting after someone other than their partner is “the same as” adultry, just as coveting is “the same as stealing”. Since you can’t help your thoughts, well not all of them, that is why, to the best of my knowledge, all people are considered sinners. Nothing to be ashamed of, we all do it. I’m guessing the OP’s wife knows this.

I don’t believe in fantasizing about a particular person I know. Adultry aside, there is nothing like sex to positively reinforce thought patterns. And fantasizing about someone else was having sex pretty much destroys the “making love” aspect, and, in my case, treating your woman like a receptacle!

Now that I’ve been all CroMagnon, I’ll back off and admit I fantasize. And rarely about my wife. blush What would be the point of that? I just don’t use an existing person. And selfish? Be serious. If one of you wants it daily, and the other not, is it not selfish to do anything other than masturbate?

Well, if it were adultery to have sex with your spouse and fantasize about another person, then it would be cool to have sex with anyone at all, as long as you fantasized about your spouse, right?

Regardless of theory and theology belrix, in the real world most people do not stop masturbating just because they get married.

I think anything the couple has talked about and mutually agreed to is OK. If the woman mentioned in the OP and her SO have agreed that fantasizing and masturbating are against the rules, more power to them.

If she’s unilaterally decided it’s a rule, she should have brought it up with him before they got married.

Just a note that I was careful to not represent the woman in the example as my wife. Yes, though, this woman is working within the Christian context, as is her husband.

Well then, allow me to add that I am also a Christian :smiley:

I usually get up around 3:30-4:00 A.M. and hit the weight room. Flip on the TV, and if the “Girls Gone Wild” commercials are on, which they usually are, sometimes I have to smack the flesh ketchup bottle. Mrs. bee doesn’t mind, and has even commented, later, if we “get into it” that she was “the second”, judging by the size of the load across her belly. Cheating? Nope. Fun? Yep. Been married almost 14 years now.

You mean it’s wrong to masturbate when you’re married? Man am I screwed. Oh wait I’m not married any more.

I can tell you that I didn’t masurbate very much when I was married until the very end when my wife stopped coming home most of the week. I would have to agree though that in it replaces sex then there is a problem.

If masturbation in marriage is selfish, then there are a lot of selfish married folks out there!

From a man’s point of view, even if you’re getting it five times a week, you’re still occasionally going to masturbate*. I’m not saying it would happen often, but it will happen.
*couldn’t think of a witty euphomism

And now you know why, you cad!

As for the OP. when I want to kill the guy that cut me off in traffic, it ain’t attempted murder. We’re hardwired to think as and about sexual beings. That’s not gonna stop anytime soon, and it’s silly to think that it is.