Dear cwthree,
Wait’ll you see what I left you in the corner.
Yours,
Wonder Beagle
Dear Wonder Beagle,
Wait 'til you see your shiny new cage, you little fucker.
Yours,
cwthree
Oh god, Maggie got the runs again*, and I had to give her a sponge bath. She also HATES being held or carried, so she’ll squeal and cry and kick up a fuss like she’s being skinned alive. So I had to carry her into the bathroom while she’s kicking and struggling, and wailing, and then hold her steady while I cleaned off her ass. How much fun!!! (I’ve NEVER known a cat that hated being held as much as she does.
(I’m just damned lucky Lexie was sleeping and didn’t hear her, or she’d have come running and barking, to “rescue” Maggie.)
*She occassionally goes “sink-diving” and finds crumbs or tidbits of leftovers, and then eats them and they make her sick.
I don’t know how you ended up with 15 duplicate rows in weekly financial report (it’s in Excel), but I told you last week that it was screwed up, to make sure to get me a fixed one this week, and to call me with any questions.
So you send me the same fucked up document this week. I sent it back. You sent ME back exactly the response I thought you would:
“What duplicate rows? I don’t see any duplicate rows.”
Arg. I point them out to you. You ask me how to fix it. You should have asked me LAST WEEK. Now it’s report day and the report is due and you want me to just fix it for you!
Look, no, I’m not gonna tell you how to fix it. You are a manager. Solve your own problems. Take a class. Read the help section. Find someone there who understands Excel and have them help you. I have you a WEEK’s head’s up to get this done. And it wouldn’t piss me off nearly so much if you weren’t completely inept at practically every computer-based task you have to do. You are the ONLY one who’s formula’s mysteriously won’t work. Who can’t figure out how to save docs and find them again. Or figure out how to copy and paste docs to and from our ftp. I don’t have time to hold your hand, and I’m not making any more exceptions for you. It’s been two years. We are not going to stop using this software, you need to learn.
In sum, it is rude to push work off on me because you don’t wanna go to the effort.
But, but, but… those are mutually exclusive! Managers are much too busy and much too important to take classes, read the help material and solve their own problems. We’re all part of a team here, aren’t we?
I have a papercut on my upper lip. It doesn’t hurt, but I can feel the skin moving and it’s really annoying.
If I can’t find the place to enter my username and password, your exciting new website redesign has failed.
:dubious: Do I even want to know how you got a papercut on your upper lip?
You betcha! I was totally a team player the first fifty-five times I fixed/explained/talked thru! Yaaaaaaaaay, team!! 
She could also delegate.
Hell, that’s what my bosses do and it’s why I know how to do all this stuff.
She has a business manager and accountants and another financial person that I don’t know what she does. Hell, she’s close to a university. Hire a spreadsheet/big bad computer intern! I don’t care what she does as long as my spreadsheets don’t get fucked up.
Licking an envelope.
WTF people! There is no apostrophe in the phrase “Honors Ceremony.” This is a COLLEGE. Can you PLEASE find someone in the office with better grammar skills to creat the invitations next quarter??? At least our “dean” resigned … she used to write “Honor’s Reception” on the whiteboard in the student lounge EVERY QUARTER. I erased the damned thing EVERY QUARTER. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Hi, niblet_head (haven’t teased you in a while). You think that’s something?
Look, Ms. Know-It-All Board Member: I told you in my interview for the AA job that I know how to do Excel, Spreadsheets and Mail Merges.
Yet, since then, you have constantly, not only instructed me on how to do mail merges because "typing up each individual envelope (for a mailing of between 300 and 400 pieces) is not cost-efficient (:mad:), but the last mailing, when you insisted that mail merge could only be run from an Excel spreadsheet and not the Word table I used (there was a reason), that was the final signal to keep ignoring you as I’ve always done.
And stop telling me how to name my documents. If you don’t like the name, when you receive it, you name if what you want to name it.
And, IF YOU REALLY KNOW SO MUCH MORE THAN EVERYBODY ELSE, then (i) when at least five recipients (with different email systems) tell you that you’ve once again sent them an unreadable windat file from Outlook, don’t insist it’s their cheap email accounts, not you; and (ii) when you receive a document from me with no user information, the words Workshare and/or metadata should immediately come to mind.
My branch manager instituted a program of tracking interactions with the public, which necessitated a spreadsheet to keep metrics of the program of keeping track of interactions with the public, which brought me into the picture as the resident Excel wonk. I went through three versions of the spreadsheet until it met with his full satisfaction, the last two weeks ago.
Today he canceled the program of tracking interactions with the public.
Ok, I am sorry for that, but that made me laugh out loud!
5-4: Egads. In a very sick way, that makes me feel a lot better.
Dear Wonder Beagle,
As we discussed yesterday, the consumption (and subsequent regurgitation) of household furnishings does not entertain your human employers.
I have spoken with Dr. P., the vet, about your recent lymph node biopsy. Please pay attention, as this has significant implications for your future in this household.
Lymphoma is not good career move at this point. While Dr. P. is a nice young man, and his office is usually full of good things to bark at, cancer is not a good long-term strategy for spending more time there.
Yours,
cwthree
Dear Soon-to-Be-Ex-Wife of my Best Friend:
You know, when I met you, I didn’t really cotton to you. And I thought to myself, “Self, maybe it’s just You.”
Time goes by, and it seems that you don’t like My Best Friend, except when he’s spending lots of money on you. And I thought to myself, “Self, maybe this is just a classic case of not wanting someone to come between my and my friend. Maybe, Self, you’re being catty and don’t want to like your best friend’s lady friend.” So I treated you in a friendly manner, even though you were busy treating all of my best friend’s friends like we were lepers.
And then, soon-to-be-ex-wife, you moved your stuff into my best friend’s house, yet spent your nights somewhere else. And I questioned your motives, but still treated you civilly and tried to think positive pink and blue thoughts, even though I didn’t much like the direction in which this relationship seemed to be moving.
A bit later, you married… and you, soon-to-be-ex-wife, still didn’t spend your nights in the home shared by your husband, your stuff, and your stupid cat. By now, I couldn’t really offer you the benefit of the doubt anymore. Something fishy was going on. Then, you quit your job… or did you get fired?
Now, though, you’ve crossed the line. Turns out, you were in rehab for your freakin’ crack addiction! And you’re busy trying to explain to my best friend that “no, it’s not an addiction, I’m just a user who happens to be in rehab.”? And somehow, my best friend/your soon-to-be-ex-husband is to blame? Also, his “skanky” (your word) friends are to blame for your crack habit? As the saying goes, denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.
Thank Og, my best friend has signed the divorce papers after his two-month marriage. Unfortunately, though, he’s a mess now… Hurt, confused, angry, etc. It’s left to me and the other people who love him to help him get his life back together…
I’ll only wish upon you what you deserve. Karma is a bitch.
PS - Even through all of this, I didn’t expect that you’d just abandon your 9-year-old cat to your husband of 2 months. He doesn’t want the damned cat. Would you please come get her? She, like my best friend, deserves better than that.
It sounds like the cat deserves better than Soon-to-Be-Ex-Wife of [your] Best Friend, too. Where’s the cat now?
Right now, the cat is still at my best friend’s house. He feeds her, changes litter box, etc., and takes decent care of her. The problem is, my best friend really isn’t much of a pet person, and kitty cat doesn’t get the affection she seems to be accustomed to. If the Ex-to-Be doesn’t get the cat soon, he’s gonna find her a new, more suitable home.
Sounds like a plan. 'Cept he should get to work on that now, instead of waiting for soon-to-be-ex-wife’s next move.
Because it appears that he’s fairly bogged down in the emotional wreckage of it all, two or three friends and I have already made our plan of attack: We are having a “Packing Party” early next week, boxing up all of the Ex-to-Bes stuff, and calling her to find out whether she wants (a) to pick it up - with the gang of friends running interference, (b) to have it delivered to her current location (which we would do, just to save our friend the grief,) or (c) place the items in a monthly storage rental, and then bring her the key. (Yes, I would even pay for one month’s rental, but after that, she’s on her own.) Obviously, if she chooses options A or B, she can then get her cat, if that’s what she wants. If she chooses C, the cat will go live at another friend’s house temporarily, until a good home can be found. If she chooses not to reclaim her cat - which none of us will “steal,” just to avoid even more complications during this divorce - I’m taking the lead on finding a new home for Kitty. I’d even take her to my house temporarily, except that I’m allergic, plus I have three dogs that might not be amenable to a feline houseguest. I’m lucky, though, to have some other friends and acquaintances in the animal rescue field, and will gladly use those contacts to find the old girl a good home.
Edit: This and my last post sound a bit contradictory. My best friend is already scoping out a suitable new home for the cat, in case that’s needed. One of his avenues of inquiry was to ask me whether I’d help, since my friend knows that I’ve worked with animal fostering/rescue. So, he took the lead in taking care of displaced kitty…