All you car nerds are probably already acquainted with John Phillips from A) Montana and B) Car and Driver. Here is his review of the Cadillac Escalade Pickup from 2002. I posit this is the most awesome review of a vehicle that I have ever read. C&D .
A brief quote: “Cadillac’s brand manager says, “Cadillac research showed that there was a real need for the EXT.” A real need for a Cadillac pickup? Really? If so, then here are a few things that I really need: An air-conditioned front yard. Iguana-skin patio furniture. Stigmata. Mint-flavored Drano. Gold-plated roof gutters. A 190-hp MerCruiser SaladShooter. A dog with a collapsible tail. An office desk that converts into a Hovercraft. Chrome slacks. A lifetime subscription to Extreme Fidgeting. A third arm. A fourth wife. A smokeless Cuban Robusto. Reusable Kleenex. (Were you under the impression that this was to be an editorial, John?—Ed.)”
It’s a great review, but damn, the number of times I could use a third arm, with a third hand attached! It’d be totally worth buying all the custom shirts!
So much more productivity if I didn’t have to take my hands off the keyboard/mouse to scratch that itch, have a drink or keep the house panther happy when it’s in the lap demanding attention.
So, yeah, that piece doesn’t work in terms of comparison to useless crap like the rest.
Nice. But the greatest review was David E Davis’ Car and Driver review of the BMW 2002 in 1968. It was the article that made the 2002 famous back when only us car enthusiasts knew about it. No posers back then. Here is the article minus the tagline, which I provide:
Bob Sorokanich, a onetime deputy editor of Road & Track Magazine, had this to say about the Jeep 4.0 inline 6:
I’ve said it before, but the Jeep 4.0L engine is the toughest, least maintenance-demanding engine I have ever had personal experience with. Folks on the internet know that the Jeep 4.0L is durable, but they know little of its history.
The original Jeep 4.0L inline-six was hewn from a solid block of granite by lightning bolts. Its cylinders were bored by the Imperial Winds and its rotating assembly was balanced by the Scales of Justice. The Ancient Egyptians used Jeep 4.0L engines to move the blocks which built the Pyramids, only switching to slave labor when it was found to be cheaper than the olive oil used to fuel the engines. Scientists have ranked the Jeep 4.0L engine as one of the strongest forces of nature, racking right up there with tectonic plate shifts for its low-end torque, and being surpassed by hurricanes only for its comparatively low redline. Mechanics have found imprints of fossilized dinosaur bones in block castings, and serial numbers in Roman numerals are a common sight. The design of the 4.0L’s fuel injection system has been traced to the archives of Leonardo DaVinci, and early manuscripts of Shakespeare plays have been used as head gaskets for this engine (which, incidentally, explains the gaps in Shakespeare’s collected works as well as the 4.0L’s tendancy [sic] to leak oil). The engine’s ancient roots also explain its ability to run on some very non-conventional fuels (original translations of the Rosetta Stone include evidence of Jeep 4.0L engines running on ox blood) as well as lubrications (during the Middle Ages, Jeep 4.0L crankcases were often filled with barley, with no detrimental effect on power output). Historians maintain that the fall of the Roman Empire hinged on their inability to design a superior engine, and had the Titanic been powered by a 4.0L Jeep engine, 1912 might have been a much happier year. Yes, had early-20th-century naval engineers had a touch more foresight, the Jeep 4.0L may have saved mankind from ever having to endure Leonardo DiCaprio and Celene [sic] Dion in the same sitting.
The only weakness in this otherwise unstoppable force of nature? Emissions. Yes, the engine’s design may have come from the hand of Zeus, and its exhaust note at full throttle may have reverberated along the rock formations of Arizona to forge the Grand Canyon, but by the year 2007 its crude emissions control (originally consisting of papyrus strips soaked in the tears of the young Tutankhaman) had become outmoded, and the legendary, nay Biblical force of the Jeep 4.0L was put to rest.
Heh, I’m known for pulling out my anti-Motie laser in other threads, but seriously, I don’t want a gripping hand, I need more high-to-medium precision hands!
