Me, My Dementia, And What I Write

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

It’s not okay for anyone to be a dick, Quasi. It’s not okay for someone to be a dick because they’re batshit, though it is not surprising, and it’s a waste of time to blame someone for being a dick and expecting them to change if they are indeed batshit.

But Alzheimer’s is different. At least, it’s different for me when I’m dealing with my dad. A couple of weeks ago, when I asked him if there was anything I could do for him and he hissed “I don’t want anything from you ever again!”, he wasn’t being a dick. The part of his brain that generates those spikes of viciousness and hatred lie so deeply in his central nervous system that Alzheimer’s hasn’t penetrated there yet. The parts of him that would intercept that viciousness, moderate it, suppress it, filter it, and tell it to shut the hell up because this is his daughter . . . those parts are gone. Alzheimer’s has destroyed them.

That’s the thing, and I don’t know if I’m being helpful or cruel when I explain my understanding of this. You can’t heal Alzheimer’s. What’s gone is gone forever. The fact that my dad’s had a good week, where he’s been fairly content, willing to converse, able to joke, and cooperating with his care, doesn’t mean that his dementia has gotten better. It’s still there. It means that the crocodile in his brain is currently docile. The next time it gets stirred up, it’ll be just as nasty if not more.

Right now, it’s a blessing that Dad doesn’t remember saying or doing these things. If he did, he would be so deep in self-recrimination there’d be no reaching him. I don’t want that. I don’t want him suffering from shame and guilt - or, for that matter, hatred and frustration - but I don’t get a say. All I can do is recognize when we have a respite and enjoy what there is of it.

You, on the other hand, Quasi, are aware, do remember, and instead of self-recrimination, you do your best to make it right. That’s admirable. It buys a lot of compassion and acceptance. So, if you find that the crocodile made it past your defenses, let us know that you know, that it was the crocodile and not you. We really do understand.

22

Quasi, I’m glad to hear you’re still on the Dope and still around- as you were one of my favorite posters when I used to be a regular here. I remember reading about you having to retire from your respiratory therapist job, and the initial problems you were having- and I’m happy to hear from you again now that I’ve come back.

Take care of yourself, Q, and don’t worry about the little things. You’re a part of my DoperFamily, and you’re all an odd bunch of grapes. :slight_smile:
-R

23

Love you, Quasi!

24

Quasi, the thing of it all is that yes, we are just random people throughout the world interacting on a message board. In one part it really doesn’t matter what we do, this place is not particularly real and each of us chooses to be here for our own purposes. Though many of us prefer that others behave and interact a certain way, there is no law, and the loosely guarded board decorum is the only structure that is here.

Most of us who know you here know your story. You have been upfront with your ordeal and we remember it when we read your words. You do not owe the courtesy of your story to anyone; you owe no-one a thing, but you have provided it nevertheless.

Even without your story I do not read anything into your postings beyond what is normal and human. You have expressed care and sharing with others, you tell good stories, you have good and bad days.

The fact that you give a damn already puts you in a higher category of Doper.

Fear not my friend - you have a long way to go before you offend most of us.

Personally I will take your unedited thoughts over meek parsed dribble any day.

Keep it up, and hit send.

25

Quasi,

I wasn’t sure which post you were referring to in your OP, so I had to go back and take a look. I had previously read the thread in question, so I saw your post and I can assure you it caused me no discomfort at the time. Rereading it now with a critical eye, I can see how you might think it’s a bit ‘vulgar’, but I think it’s still well within the bounds of what’s considered ‘appropriate’ on an Internet message board.

I’m pretty sure that you are far more critical of yourself in this regard than any of the rest of us are going to be. After all, you are the only person who knows exactly what you are ‘supposed to’ say; the rest of us can only judge you by what you actually say. And the things you say are definitely not offensive, nonsensical, or otherwise out of line.

Which isn’t to say that you’re out of line to be concerned; just that you really have nothing to apologize for. But if it helps you to point out what you perceive as your own ‘inappropriate’ comments and apologize for them because they are not what you fell you should have said, then by all means continue. We can all take an extra two minutes out of our lives to read your apology, even if we don’t think it’s necessary.
I will admit that knowing your circumstances, I would be more likely to give you ‘a pass’ for inappropriate behavior than I would for most other people here. Instead of thinking “WTF are you talking about?!?” I would be more apt to think “hmmm…Quasi must not be having a good day…” But I can’t remember the last time that I actually thought something like that. Within the set of “people who post on Internet message boards”, even a batshit crazy Quasimodem falls well within the ‘normal’ range.
Hmmm…in retrospect, I’m not quite certain if that’s so much a compliment to you, or a commentary on the abysmal state of things on the Internet…

…aw hell, let’s just go with “it’s a compliment” :wink:

26

Hey Quas, Alzheimer’s is a disease of the mind, not of the heart. You’ve got more than enough heart to make up for a few crossed wires in your noggin. As long as you can remember you got friends, everything’s gonna work out. And even if you forget that, we’ll remember for you. Peace out bro.

27

This past weekend has been one of (3) revelations for me.

One you know about (this one); one you may know about (it’s in another thread) and the other you definitely don’t know about, and I’ll get to it in a moment.

  1. This one (among many) combined with the other two is the first time I have ever asked myself to “please hold it together, Bill!”

(I don’t really know quite yet where this little “train” is taking us, but I hope I won’t take us out of the way too far and get us back here before too long.)

I don’t call myself out too often that you know about, but this one (this thread, I mean) took me back to my SOB days when I couldn’t wait to pick a fight with someone, even though I was wrong and was shown the “error of my ways” many times. Even then I knew that wasn’t “me” and I was about to turn some kind of corner, and that’s exactly what happened.

My participation in this thread, and the words I used, bounced me back to those days and frightened me a little. I’m sure you know what “false bravado” means, right? I was recognizing my mean-spirited self from those years in the words I was using, making the thread go where it wasn’t supposed to and by the time I realized it, I thought to myself, (yes, I really did) “Well, maybe they’ll cut me some slack.” But I’ve never taken the easy (“well, let 'em kiss my ass, then!”) way out, and wasn’t going to this time either. Y’all have been too good to me for me to let that happen.

Here’s the “Second Stop” -----

Yesterday was “April Fools’ Day”, and I guess the key word was “corn”, so as I was writing about my “pollen problems” and jokingly using “corn-y” references, it occurred to me that this isn’t funny. It’s scary, and it’s also the first time I thought that it might be something physical which could kill me, and I haven’t been paying close enough attention to that part of me.

While I AM breathing okay, I’m noticing a tendency to “pull” for a breath every now and then, and there’s a burning sensation in my eyes and nose. I’ve never smoked, but HAVE been around it pretty much all my life. It’s never caused the burning and the crud around my eyes, but here’s the last thing I’ve never had trouble with: my eyelids not popping back up when I blink. Apparently, there’s so much crud in there gumming up the works, it looks like I’ve created a “suction” of sorts and have to “force” my eyes open. Got an inhaler and some antibiotics for the eyes and nose.

Almost back where we started------- “The Friday Night Meltdown”

Long story short, I was trying to combine some meds left over in a smaller container into a larger one so as not to have so many pill bottles to deal with when preparing the next weeks’ meds - to lessen the chance of making a mistake.

Wrong. Somewhere along the line I misread the label and/or looked at a shape/color wrong and got “tripped up” so that when I got to the end I was missing one whole set of pills. After several trials/errors, going through the trash, calling the pharmacist thinking she had either 1) stolen and 2) forgot to pack them, D and Susan (my S-I-L) found them: combined in a bottle with lookalike meds. First time in a long time I had melted down that far

I know this all sounds scary, (and it was – to me), but when I looked back on the weekend and put it all together, the “end product” wasn’t something I could deal with alone.

Is this what’s known as a milepost?

Thanks, everyone. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Bill

28

No Motherfucking need to apologize! We are all in this Shitty-ass boat together!

Your Friend,

Yeti

29

Are you kidding, Quasi? That’s a normal grumpy old man screw up.

I’ll worry when you barricade yourself in your bedroom and refuse to take your pills because your family members hate you.

30

Cringeworthy, inside jokes that resonate only with yourself and others that defy explanation–or even your own memory?

Bitch, please! :smiley: