One of the manifestations of my disease is inappropriate behavior. When you read about about the symptoms in Stage IV, the behavior occurs in public and that happens with me, but not as much as with the written word.
I know why this is: I’m not as gregarious as I was before. I can’t just hop in the car and drive myself to a movie. Matter of fact, I can’t drive anywhere anymore because of the accident I caused last year that almost killed 3 people, me included.
So the only opportunities which present themselves in public are when we go to a restaurant, a family function or if we have people over. And except for a few isolated instances (“off color” jokes, laughing at inopportune times, and even sitting in a corner sulking) I’m okay out in public. Friends and family know beforehand what may or may not happen, and the situation is “maneuvered”, for lack of a better word, around this eventuality.
But then there’s here.
Here on The Dope and here in my little office there’s no one but me to keep myself “in check” when I’m on the keyboard, and it’s like I’m a racehorse just being let out of the gate: the ideas, the (to me) humorous thoughts and the inappropriate language race out of me onto the keyboard and into the ether eventually winding up here.
I know why this is, too; I’m afraid that if I don’t get this out of my head and onto “paper” asap, it will leave me within a very short time and this cannot be allowed to happen. I forget too many things too quickly anyway and here’s a way to save it. By sharing it. With you. I tell myself that this is my intent.
And so I let it out. Just as hard and as fast as I can and with little or no censorship. The correction of a misspelled word, grammar and sentence structure are about all.
Finished. Did you forget anything? All those thoughts pretty much in order and easily understood?
“Yeah, yeah YEAH, dammit! Turn loose of my button stabber, damn you!”
And there it goes. Arrives here at SDMB to lie dormant until someone chooses to read it.
But more and more often it comes back here to my office. I know it does, because I see its ghost and it’s telling me I had better damn well reread my post which, I at first thought was so articulate, (to me) humorous and hard-hitting.
So I do read it again, and as I sit here and cringe at my words wonder (out loud sometimes) how I could’ve have written something so vulgar as a reply which the OP didn’t expect or maybe even wanted to read.
This happened today with the “do you guys miss the toilet bowl and hit the wall?” thread." I could have written my post in a hundred different ways, but no, I had to embellish it with vulgarisms having nothing to do with the answer expected.
Oh, I know: it happens to some of y’all as well, right? And I shouldn’t beat myself up over it?
It bothers me, guys and ladies, it really does, and that’s why I wrote this: to explain the processes and the outcome. If I’ve made you uncomfortable or upset, I apologize. A lot of the time it happens to me as well, but it happens too late and I don’t know how to fix it. (Genie out of the bottle, etc.)