Me vs. the F-Bomb

Was just browsing through a number of Pit threads just now, and saw how incredibly deftly some of us here are able to parry the Fuck Yous liberally thrown around the place. For example, I found in this thread Ashtar’s riposte

rather funny. But it also alerted me to the fact that at this point, I know of no other way to respond when someone says, “Fuck you” other than with a, “Well, fuck you too”. I find this deeply disturbing.

So allow me to pick your brains, Dopers. How can I better respond (wittily, preferably) to Fuck Yous?

“I wouldn’t fuck you with (someone else’s genitals)!” Is my standard.

From the same Pit thread cited in the OP:

“Fuck you asswipe!”

  1. “Indeed.”
  2. “w00terz!”
  3. “Sure, let’s fuck. How about I fuck your brain into your ass bitchboy?”

Nothing terribly creative perhaps, but that’s because generally I would go with option 1.

“Fuck ME? Fuck YOU!!”

nah. you don’t deserve the pleasure

<minor hijack, but related to the OP>

Years ago in Boston, I had a female district manager from the deep south. When someone did something that caused her a problem she would exclaim the following: (imagine it coming from a very attractive, petite woman with a strong southern accent)

“Next time, before you fuck me, would you at least kiss me first?”

And in reply to the OP, at another job I had a male co-worker who would reply to a ‘Fuck You’ statement with one of the following (or some variation thereof):

“Well OK, but I get to be on top.” (if it was to another guy)

“Well OK, but you have to be on top and do all the work.” (if it was to a gal)

“What, Here? Now? But you said you wanted to keep our affair a secret.” (if it was to a gal)

“What, Here? Now? Are you sure you want to come out of the closet like this? I thought you wanted to keep it a secret.” (if it was to another guy)

Yeah, he was pretty good with his comebacks. Even with his examples, I can never manage to remember them fast enough to get them out myself and make it seem smooth.

“Fuck you!”

“Why not? Everyone’s already fucked you.”

That one actually got me in trouble, but I thought it was funny, so it was worth it.

I hope this is relevant to the thread’s intent, but it was only after I had read Carl Sagan and Anne Druyan’s book Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors in which much is made of our connection to the other primates, chimps and bonobos primarily, that I learned that (in Sagan and Druyan’s view) “fuck you” should be read as “I fuck you” since that is one of the methods employed by the alpha male in ape society to demontrate dominance over others in the group – male and female.

It is also noteworthy that the cute chimp (I always see Cheeta from the Tarzan movies) is an aggressively randy and insatiable sex fiend. It makes me wonder how they manage to film them being so cute and funny. Chances are they’re humping anything that moves.

And now back to our thread, already in progress.

“Fuck you!”

“I don’t know if I can afford you … no, wait, I think I got a nickel.”

No thanks. I’d fall asleep and you’d fall in love.