Sometime this spring, one of my friends commented that he had never seen me cry. I thought that was kind of strange, because I am one of those deep-feeling people that cries at the drop of a hat.
About a week later, we went out, and for some reason I started crying. I havn’t really stopped since.
How can I possibly be this sad? I’m beginning to look like a crazy lady. I cry on the bus. I cry walking down the street. I’ve nearly failed classes because I start crying in the middle of them and have to go home. I cry in the morning when I realize that I’ve woken up. I cry so hard I throw up. For months. For more than half a year. I barely even remember summer. Just a blur. Me walking down Ocean street crying. Me crying in the shower as I force myself to get ready with the day. Me crying on the swings in the park in the middle of the night. Me crying at a job interview. Me waking up, crying, taking a shot of vodka, and going back to bed. My cheeks have abrasions from being wet all the time. I’m afraid to go out with my friends because I can’t keep my composure for long. I’m pushing people away from me because nobody wants to be around someone as sad as I am. I’m losing my friends. I’m scared to be around my family.
There is no real reason for it. There are semi-reasons…troubled love affairs, stressful school work, isolation…but there is nothing to justify how far I’ve fallen. Nobody has died. My life is still sucessful. I havn’t ruined anything yet. But yet I despair. I mourn. I feel nothing buy emptiness. I have no more good memories. I have no more hope. All I have is an unbearable present.
The “signs of depression” lists are beginning to look like jokes to me. Weight loss? My bones stick out. I’ve lost thirty pounds. I look skeletal. My clothes fall off of me. Sleep problems? I wake up at four AM every morning and I can’t go back to sleep without crying for a while. I’m a mess. I always feel like I’m on drugs even though I am not. My heart races. Things look to bright or too dull. I get panicky. I get slow. Sounds are too loud. I can’t take it all in. I can’t handle it.
But mostly I’m just sad. Every moment I hurt. I despair. I wonder how time can possible still go by despite my agony. It shocks me that there can be so much cruelty on earth. That I can feel this much pain and nothing in the whole world can stop it. It just keeps going. There is no mercy.
What am I going to do? Cleraly I have to see a professional. My previous experiences with professionals have been pretty bad. And it is so hard to want to get better. I keep thinking that I’ve hit rock bottom, that I have nowhere to go but up, that I’ve finally given myself persmission to start feeling okay. But then something happens. Something stupid. It doesn’t matter. And I feel all those same things again. It just doesn’t stop. How can I convince myself to get the help I need?
I was where you are now about four years ago, and I got help through school. Start there. If they cannot help you, they will tell you who can. If you don’t like the first person you see, see someone else.
Please email me. I am not a professional, but honey you’ve got to get help.
I have to agree with SisterCoyote - you must see a professional, and very soon. I know you’ve had some bad experiences with them in the past, but you can’t let that keep you away from the help that you need. You deserve to live your life without crying all the time, and there’s someone who can help you be that way again, but you have to take the first step.
If it requires counseling, attend every session and be honest. If you go on medication, take it - watch for side effects and report on them accurately. Dosages or medication types can always be adjusted. You have to work, but you will get better, and hopefully soon you won’t feel like life is so miserable.
You can get help through school - they all have counselling services.
As I’ve said to many people in the past - if you’re sick, you go see a doctor. If you’re depressed, you go see someone who can help you fix it. Sometimes, it’s the only way out. And it’s worth it.
If you have a regular doctor you trust, see them. They can start you on anti-depressants while you make an appointment with a therapist. Did this last time I went into my depression/OCD spin - never bothered with the therapist (been there so often I can take myself on and off medication).
It will take several weeks for an antidepressant to kick in - and the first one you try may not do it for you - so the quicker you get in to someone with a perscription pad, the better.
(I had the best luck on Paxil, and hate Zoloft, but you’ll learn what works for you - if an antidepressant does. Some people therapy works better for - some people just need lots of chocolate ice cream).
And, I know how hard it is, but try to take care of yourself. Eat healthy. Exercise. Surround yourselves with supportive friends. Avoid the vodka in the middle of the night (mine is brandy, vodka burns). Try to keep busy.
At the risk of doing a “me too” post, the three responses to the OP (at the time I type) are right on target. Clinical depression is no joke. Run, do not walk, to get help for your physical depression now. Almost any therapist can help to arrange for financial help if that’s the problem – and there is nothing in your life that is more important than getting your life itself back together. Remember that you have a support community in real life (or can get one, and therapists, churches, secular groups if you don’t buy into any religious creed, can hook you up with one) and online as well.
But you need both medication to combat the physical side of your depression and positive reinforcement to combat the emotional side of it. Be sure to get both.
I have depression, too, and for a long time I wondered, like you, why I was sad when I had no real reason to be. Why my mantra was “I can’t do anything right” even though all evidence pointed to the contrary.
Turns out depression is one of those things that typically shows up in one’s late teens/early twenties. Sometimes it has a triggering event. Sometimes it doesn’t. Think of it this way–if you came down with the flu, you wouldn’t wonder what you’d done to deserve it, right? This is like that, only it involves biochemistry, so it’s a bit harder to fix, and it won’t go away on its own. Go–NOW–to a professional.
Another thing–it takes a while for you and the shrink to get the meds right. Don’t be surprised if you have to tinker with dosages and different meds for a few months.
It doesn’t have to be like this. And it doesn’t matter why all of the sudden you feel this way–and it can be helped.
I can imagine how hard it is to bring yourself to see someone, to get yourself together to find out information or the right place to go. Ask a trusted friend for help–it’s OK to ask. If you have to, go to the Emergency Room and they will be able to refer you and help you out.
I don’t know if you’ve been on medication before but don’t let worrying about getting on one stop you from seeing a professional. When I was overwhelmed by panic attacks (heart racing and things looking too bright sounds so familiar), I was given a sedative for a limited time to calm down and level off (and sleep, blessed sleep) enough to coherently talk to someone. (By the way, the attacks were triggered by something relatively minor–that didn’t matter; it’s how you’re feeling that matters.)
I was also afraid of being labelled with a disorder and having that hanging on me for The Rest of My Life. It turns out it’s better to know and even if I have to be on meds forever, it’s still better than feeling like I was.
I’m proud of you for reaching out here and while I know you feel there is no hope or future, there is. You will get your memories back too; they will not be corrupted forever–this is temporary. So many of us know whereof we and you speak and are doing a lot better after help.
Everyone here is so right. I was depressed for two years with the same symptoms when I finally was encouraged to do something about it. And now I hate to see people go through this pain needlessly.
The thing that clinched it for me was when I realized that I never did anything for fun…I only did stuff to make me forget how miserable I was for a short time. I thought that it was situational…that I’d get over it. But I couldn’t on my own. I talked to my dr about it and she prescribed zoloft and it really worked for me.
First off, you have to understand where I’m coming from. I think a lot of people on medication don’t need it. I think too much mind-altering medication is passed out too freely and that fewer people have clinical depression than is diagnosed. Now, knowing that I think that way, you should understand how strongly I believe you need to get help NOW. You need to see your doc to get on anti-depressants and find a therapist that you like and trust. Immediately. Go to your school’s medical facilities. Print up this thread if need be in order to make sure that all your points are made clearly to the doctor.