Sometime this spring, one of my friends commented that he had never seen me cry. I thought that was kind of strange, because I am one of those deep-feeling people that cries at the drop of a hat.
About a week later, we went out, and for some reason I started crying. I havn’t really stopped since.
How can I possibly be this sad? I’m beginning to look like a crazy lady. I cry on the bus. I cry walking down the street. I’ve nearly failed classes because I start crying in the middle of them and have to go home. I cry in the morning when I realize that I’ve woken up. I cry so hard I throw up. For months. For more than half a year. I barely even remember summer. Just a blur. Me walking down Ocean street crying. Me crying in the shower as I force myself to get ready with the day. Me crying on the swings in the park in the middle of the night. Me crying at a job interview. Me waking up, crying, taking a shot of vodka, and going back to bed. My cheeks have abrasions from being wet all the time. I’m afraid to go out with my friends because I can’t keep my composure for long. I’m pushing people away from me because nobody wants to be around someone as sad as I am. I’m losing my friends. I’m scared to be around my family.
There is no real reason for it. There are semi-reasons…troubled love affairs, stressful school work, isolation…but there is nothing to justify how far I’ve fallen. Nobody has died. My life is still sucessful. I havn’t ruined anything yet. But yet I despair. I mourn. I feel nothing buy emptiness. I have no more good memories. I have no more hope. All I have is an unbearable present.
The “signs of depression” lists are beginning to look like jokes to me. Weight loss? My bones stick out. I’ve lost thirty pounds. I look skeletal. My clothes fall off of me. Sleep problems? I wake up at four AM every morning and I can’t go back to sleep without crying for a while. I’m a mess. I always feel like I’m on drugs even though I am not. My heart races. Things look to bright or too dull. I get panicky. I get slow. Sounds are too loud. I can’t take it all in. I can’t handle it.
But mostly I’m just sad. Every moment I hurt. I despair. I wonder how time can possible still go by despite my agony. It shocks me that there can be so much cruelty on earth. That I can feel this much pain and nothing in the whole world can stop it. It just keeps going. There is no mercy.
What am I going to do? Cleraly I have to see a professional. My previous experiences with professionals have been pretty bad. And it is so hard to want to get better. I keep thinking that I’ve hit rock bottom, that I have nowhere to go but up, that I’ve finally given myself persmission to start feeling okay. But then something happens. Something stupid. It doesn’t matter. And I feel all those same things again. It just doesn’t stop. How can I convince myself to get the help I need?
I repeat, you can also e-mail me. Since I’m job hunting, I check my e-mail pretty regularly, and I will not ignore you or brush you off.