I have done this before, but since there are a great many newer Dopers I thought I’d get some good new responses.
Cool things my friends have said:
*“Show me a woman whose man doesn’t give head, and I’ll show you a woman I can steal.”
“It’s a thin line, between pole and bait.”
*“Everyone’s suffering is the worst suffering they have ever experienced.”
(meaning that even though somebody’s pain might be relatively minor in the grand scheme of things, they can only ever know what their own worst pain is like.)
I’ve got more, but you guys go ahead until I can remember them.
Rick Seaward, a Canadian journalist and colleague of mine, came up with this memorable remark at a morning staff meeting, talking about the flexibility of workplace directives: “Rules are to guide the wise and command the foolish”.
My friend told another lady who kept asking for her advice, " You’re a grown-assed woman, quit bothering me with your problems, cause I dont give a shit". Everybody within ear shot applauded. You kinda had to know how irritating the advice seeker was.
My husband’s Grandmother was relaying a tale of how a spider bit her friends toe, the toe got real infected and turned purple, then black, and had to be amputated. I asked her what kind of spider it was. She said “It was a granddaddy long legs” . I told her I didn’t think they could bite. She said “That one did”
My friend gave me something similar, he was trying to say he would be over later today, but longer than “a while” so he said “I will be there in a couple of whiles”
First, a bit of setup - a family friend had committed suicide. The day of the funeral it is customary to have people drop by a specified family member’s house after the service. Most folks bring food (ain’t no family in the South ever starved in the weeks after a death), so there are usually volunteers at the house to receive and set it out/put it up for later, etc. These are usually extended friends of the family who don’t mind missing the funeral to take care of setting up the house. In this case, someone had brought a large cooler of something into the kitchen when our friend, the food volunteer, loudly exclaimed “That’s one big cooler - you could fit a body in that thing!”.
Or, for being rude to obnoxious incompetant females: “Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”
I won’t give you the context where I heard that, but when she heard it, she knew arguing was past and the issue under dispute would have to go to arbitration.
At one of those stupid work meetings, with some ‘productivity expert’ trying to get you all hyped about getting more work done, and keeping you away from actually doing your work for hours:
We were given special colored paper, and asked to “write down some barriers to higher productivity”.
A very senior fellow worker asked “do you want actual names, or just their job titles?”
Haha, these are great!
Oooh, I remembered another:
“How do you know they’re townpeople? They might be village folk!”
And another:
“Capitalists! <snort!> They’ll sell you the rope you hang 'em with!”
A classmate during study hall was encouraging me to lift weights to increase the size of my chest, while motioning to her own ample bosom. Took her a moment to realize what she had done.
I was the second tallest student in school. One of my shorter friends would do a Tattoo impression at least once a week: “De plane! De plane Look out, boss, you’re too tall!”