I’ll tell my friend he’s responsible for a pretty famous saying.
“You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.”
Paraphrased and sanitized, but something along the lines of “I wish I had a vagina, I’d insert such a wide variety of objects in it with great frequency and enthusiasm.”
I used to have this friend named Zach, who frequently said stuff that was so profound, yet so obvious. We called these sayings “Zacharisms”.
The archetypal example: “I like dollar movies. They’re the same movies you get for regular price…except they’re a dollar.”
It is a pretty common saying, but I also know the version that ends “there’s a guy whose tired of fucking her.”
Friend #1: “If you were forced to make a deal with the Devil, what would you ask for in exchange for your immortal soul?”
Friend #2: “His.”
“If you could kick a field goal from 75 yards and make it 90 percent of the time, you could get a job on any pro team you wanted. And you wouldn’t even have to work hard.”
Back in 1983 my best friend and I decided to jump freight trains to Colorado from Southern California. Our eventual return point was his abode in Berkeley, in the SF Bay area. We spent a week doing so and got back to California about 6 p.m., 50 miles from his place. We jumped off, looking for something to eat. We found one, got our food, and sat down close by. Bear in mind that we were not armed, looked pretty grungy and probably appeared homeless. Within a few minutes four or five young men showed up. Don was concerned that we might be targets. I said something along the lines of “They’re just kids out for some fun.” His response, which I remember clearly: “Kids that might have just guns, or just knives.”
No, nothing happened.
A text I got once.
“I’ll be there in ten minutes. If I’m not there in ten minutes, just read this text again.”
One from a coworker.
“At the end of the day, even if nothing you’ve done has worked… At least you know what not to try tomorrow.”
I was in my mom’s hospital room, and she was in the bathroom with two staff people. As we waited her pastor and I were chatting. He’d know my dad before my dad died. The pastor told me
*
“You know, I can really see your father in you”* He was referring to my style of speech and other mannerisms.
The man coul’dn’t have said anything that pleased me more.
My friend Wayne on larger women: “The heat of the meat is in direct proportion to the mass of the ass.”