Dear Supplier Rep:
I dearly love your employee assigned to my account. I really do. She is a wonderful person that has helped me out more times then I can count.
But why is it that she is the only person in your whole office that is able to get me the answers that I need? If she goes on vacation, or is out sick, why is there no one else in your entire office that can look up my information, or pass my question on the the supplier? Why do I have to get emails that say:
“Hi ToC, I’m going to be out of the office next week. If you need any help, you are going to have to wait until I get back.”
It’s not her fault. We’ve talked about it. You are just to stinking cheap to train someone else to help cover her work when she is out.
I guess I’ll just go sell someone else’s product. Idiots.
To: Corporate Travelers
From: Grizz, your Travel Guru
Friends.
Here’s a dollar. Buy some clues.
I’m here to run the travel department. In this small company, I’m a one-person department. Contact me any way that works best for you; email, voicemail, direct call or even walk right into my office and we’ll chat.
But I need some detail. The following things are crucial.
-into what city you need to fly
-from what city you’ll be flying.
-need a rental car?
-want your frequent flyer miles? I need that number.
-same with your rental car and frequent-guest hotel programs.
Now, if you want to gossip, that’s fine. Don’t ask me…
-Where did so-and-so go on their vacation? (chances are, I don’t know anyway… this IS a corporate travel office)
-Where did the CEO (or CFO or Comptroller or Divisional Director or anyone else in the company for that matter) fly? It’s confidential except to those with a need to know.
Additionally, please remember that I’m a Professional Corporate Travel Guru. I can’t afford to risk my job and reputation to…
-plan your vacation.
-pull some strings for you to get an upgrade.
-put you in touch with others in the business so you can negotiate your own discounts.
-violate policy so that you can get the few extra points you need to get an elite status.
In case this wasn’t covered in your employee manual, it is your job to handle deliveries. When I made a special trip to the dock inquiring about a $1700 LCD projector that the office supply company informed me was delivered NINE days ago yet never delivered to my office, I expected you to get off your lazy ass and find my package. I did not expect you to roll your eyes at me and emit heavy sighs every 30 seconds for having the audacity to interrupt your day.
My name was clearly written on the package, as was my phone number. If you couldn’t find your way to my office on the second floor, could you have maybe picked up the phone and called? I half suspect you were hoping that I’d just shrug my shoulders and order a new one so that you could steal it and sell it on e-bay. Oops. Is my cynicism showing?
I do want to compliment you on your significantly improved response time and attitude once I inquired what the name of your supervisor is. Gee, I guess you’re not so casually indifferent after all.
Sincerely yours,
Amen. And in addition:
The gym locker room is not your living room/bedroom/bathroom. Kindly refrain from:
Dispensing every square inch of paper towel and wadding it up into balls and
Using the floor of said locker room as a waste basket for those paper towels.
You are working out here, so I’m going under the assumption that you’re able to bend at the waist. Pick the fucking things up and throw them away in the handy trash receptacles by the sink. In fact, cease and desist from removing them from the sink area and throw them away after you use them!
To: Ignorant Fucks Who Share Family Photos in the Doorway of the Cafeteria
From: The woman trying to elbow her way to the sandwich line
Did it ever occur to you that people were trying to get THROUGH the doorway so they could purchase lunch and then sit at a table WITH THEIR FRIENDS to do things like LOOK AT PHOTOS???
Then let this be the newsflash that changes your life: Move THE FUCK out of the way or prepare to die.
Signed,
To: My idiotic clients
Re: Your refusal to update your antiquated SCO operating system
Dear Client:
While I deeply appreciate your business, it is getting nigh near impossible for me to continue to support your outdated machines.
I’m sorry that you’re too cheap to upgrade your OS but truly, finding new PIII processors and Intel 440BX chipset system boards is like finding the proverbial hen’s teeth.
And when you request video cards that have been discontinued for over 5 years, you’re not making my life any easier.
When I do manage to find the product languishing in some warehouse in Siberia, it behooves you to order it immediately instead of waiting until you’re in crisis mode.
It would also be nice if you actually checked your emails and read the specs thatI sent you instead of calling me and asking if the product will work.
I’m not your freaking RD and, when I make only $10.00-$15.00 per item, I’m not about to take on the task.
To: My idiotic clients
Re: Your refusal to update your antiquated SCO operating system
Dear Client:
While I deeply appreciate your business, it is getting nigh near impossible for me to continue to support your outdated machines.
I’m sorry that you’re too cheap to upgrade your OS but truly, finding new PIII processors and Intel 440BX chipset system boards is like finding the proverbial hen’s teeth.
And when you request video cards that have been discontinued for over 5 years, you’re not making my life any easier.
When I do manage to find the product languishing in some warehouse in Siberia, it behooves you to order it immediately instead of waiting until you’re in crisis mode.
It would also be nice if you actually checked your emails and read the specs that I sent you instead of calling me and asking if the product will work.
I’m not your freaking RD girl and, as I make only $10.00-$15.00 per item, I’m not about to take on the task.
Your turn signal is NOT an inconvience to you. Nay! It is actually designed TO LET PEOPLE KNOW YOUR INTENTIONS! Beforehand-like. So that others can take the appropriate steps to AVOID you (and usually your way-bigger-than-you-will-EVER-use-SUV…) No. I didn’t surmise that your car was slightly pointing to the right therefore you’re turning right. :smack: Silly me! I assumed that because your turn signal WASN’T ON that you were actually going straight. Please correct this in the future.
Hey you! The fake blond soccer mom in the GINORMOUS SUV. The one with the cell phone attached at the ear. You don’t need 4 wheel drive to drive in snow. You don’t need the biggest vehicle on the road to “protect your children.” How will you feel when your “baby-killer” ploughs into my mid-sized car (of course, because you were on the phone at the time…) killing me or my family? What makes you and your family more important than me? Money?
Housemate A: If I wanted to listen to your music, I’d be sitting in your car. Hint: If the glass in my windows is rattling (when you are sitting in MY parking space, with your windows rolled down, sitting there, with no apparent purpose other than to disturb me) then your music is probably TOO FUCKING LOUD. By the way, the weight lifting you are doing on your porch ostensibly to intimidate me: you’re doing it wrong. Try with about 30 pounds less and don’t rock your back. Oh nevermind, just keep fucking up. I find it amusing.
Housemate B: I know you like to say I’m fat. I know I could stand to lose 20 pounds. But just because you weigh 95 pounds doesn’t mean I want to see you in a bikini. Between that and your incessant tanning, you look like an old, stretched out and very worked vulva. Oh and by the way: it is a lot easier for me to lose fat than it is for you to gain brain matter.
Housemate C: Stop fooling yourself. We all know you’re still on Meth. Being gone for 6 days at a time and then coming home to sleep for 4 was kind of a dead giveaway. Also, stop smoking in the bathroom, or I will be forced to shit in your ashtray.
Housemates A-C: Since you’re not working (and I’m not either) would you mind cleaning up after yourselves a bit? I try to to keep the kitchen picked up but it’s a little difficult cleaning up after you all and your demon spawn. In addition to cooking your meals. STOP BEING A BUNCH OF LAZY, SLOBBY FUCKS. If CPS came in here, your kids would be gone in an instant.
Signed,
The Sausage Creature.
I feel a little better now.
To: This one, and that one, and the other one over there
From: Not as big a grump as you might imagine
Could you please chill out? Calm down? Quit taking a slight insult, a little prodding, a poke in the ribs, as utter character assassination. Stop snarking at each other over the least little thing.
There’s 3k of us left, no reason to be so inhospitable. Our differences are what makes this thing fun.
Please don’t be offended by my behemoth sized SUV that is larger than Rhode Island and as the capacity to take up three parking spaces at once. Yes, I am destroying the Ozone layers rapidly with my 40 gallon/$75 per fill up, but I like to think I am supporting the Saudi Family (the poor souls) when I drive 450+ miles on a tank to no-where that is the lather/rinse/repeat of my life. Try that in your pathetic little gas saving, space saver car!
Try not to be offended by the fact I can carry 8 to 9 people & all their gear & tow somekind of trailer behind if needed and my truck’s superior engine never misses a beat and performs flawlessly. Try that in your family sedan, bubbe!
I do four wheelin’, babe. It’s called My Driveway & backroads in the winter. 4WD to the main road and then it is switched to two wheel.
Please don’t be envious over the family entertainment system that allows the middle and rear seats to watch their choice of DVD. Be jealous over the fact that the driver and passengers each have their own cigerette lighter outlets to charge their cell phones or run a lap top at the same time. Oh, and I have 5 excellent cup holders in just the front seats. FIVE NO SPILLUP HOLDERS! Big Gulps for Everyone!
Whilst I do not drive with a phone in my ear, nor do my children play soccer, I do my best not to crush your puny family sized car which in no way resemble your manly testicles at all.
While your itty bitty little family car grimaces over every pothole, my Suburban rides over them like a prized stallion with firm suspension and excellent handling.
I’m sorry, you seem to be confusing jealousy with fear and rage.
To whom it may concern;
Yes, it is big and pretty and obviously makes up for some deep seated need you have to compensate for.
It is also obvious that you don’t give a flying fuck about anyone else’s children or property. Which is why you are darting in and out of lanes in that behemoth like Bugs Bunny on meth without consideration of people who have to rapidly change lanes or slam on their brakes in order to avoid collisions.
Yes, you could crush me and my family like a bug. This, to you is a selling point? Killing people is good? Ah, so. Well then. You won’t be terribly upset or offended by the nice polite officer I’m calling (see? People who drive midsize cars own cell phones too!) who will happily cite you for reckless endangerment. It’ll only cost about as much as a tank of gas. OTOH, if you receive enough of those citations, there’ll be one less bubble headed cell phone talking SUV tippin soccer mom on the road. And her ickle pwecious ones can watch their dvd’s at home. You know. Where you’re supposed to watch movies. As opposed to the freeway. Where, apparently, you don’t have to pay attention because, after all, you are the only one that matters.
Shirley, I would add: I have no idea if you drive this way or not. I am not even in the same state. I’m going by the wonderful SUV drivers on the 101 and the bridge I drive over every morning. “Insane” doesn’t even begin to cover it.
To: My Uterus and Vagina
From: niblet_head
Please stop bleeding. Please. PLEASE stop bleeding. I know you’re making up for all those periods I didn’t have for five years. But it’s been pretty much a solid five months now.
Shut up about your frakkin’ Treo cellphone/pda/phaser/coffeemaker thingy, we KNOW you love it and think it’s the best thing made, and no, we don’t care that you’re trying to decide if getting a new one is a good idea (just because it has a “nicer screen”), here’s a clue, it’s a frelling CELL PHONE, as long as you can see the phone number you’re typing in, it’s serving it’s purpose
and stop talking about how you always read your e-mail on it while you’re driving into work, here’s a novel idea, when you’re driving, your primary focus should be on PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ROAD AND OTHER DRIVERS AROUND YOU, not reading e-mail while in control of a multithousand pound projectile capable of unsafe speeds
…did you ever wonder that this may be the reason for the large dent in the side of your car?, here’s a clue… PUT DOWN THE TREO AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD!
(yes, in case you’re curious, this cow-orker is from Massachusets… i’m not saying anything about massachusets drivers here myself, just draw your own conclusions…)
