Memo's you'd like to send.

The BBQ Pit
41

TO: Co-Workers
FROM: stretch
RE: ARG!!!

I am not the boss of you! Please discontinue coming to ask me how to do your job…you have a supervisor to answer those questions. Yes, I realize that we all joke about how I’m the “real boss” and I’ve been here forever and I know everything. I still don’t want to train you. Fuck off and leave me alone.

TO: Colleagues in other regions/HQ
FROM: stretch
RE: Learn a New Name/Number

Please stop calling me to do other people’s work. I realize that my counterparts in the other regions are idiots and incapable of doing any work, let alone quality work. However, I do not have access to their files, so I cannot give you the answer you are seeking. You will actually have to contact someone in the region/program/section that the site is in.

I also do not do other region’s administrative work. I will not arrange travel, schedule meetings, or do other support work for people outside my section. So sorry, but I already hate that part of my job and am not eager to do it for you if I don’t have to. If your administrative support staff is too stupid to arrange your travel or whatever, I suggest that you fire his/her sorry ass and hire someone with a functioning brain–this shit ain’t rocket science.

Please do not suggest to the public that I am the one to solve any problem that comes up. I hate to disappoint someone who has been transferred around 300 times and ends up with me, but I work in one fucking area of the agency–I officially do not know anything about the other divisions of our agency and I want to keep it that way. I do not want to have to educate myself on every little topic so that I can serve the citizens of our fine state better; my brain is full!

In summary, fuck off and leave me alone.

TO: Our Receptionists
FROM: stretch
RE: Quit transferring everybody’s calls to me

You know I love you. You make my life easier in many, many ways. I appreciate all the hard work you do, especially the way you get my huge mailings out in a timely manner.

However, I wish you would not transfer calls to me just because you know I’m usually at my desk and will hunt the answer down. I do not get paid enough for this shit.

In summary, I love and appreciate you, but fuck off and leave me alone.

42

S.-
You are my best friend. I know we can talk to each other about just about anything. Please try not to fight with E. when I am visiting. E. is my friend, also. I’m not going to get caught in the middle.

                                                       SCL
43

To: Cat

From: Sierra Indigo

Re: Mouse

Dear cat,

Yes, there was a mouse in the kitchen the other week. And there’s more than likely another one. But sitting next to the stove, glaring into the gap between it and the wall is not going to make the mouse magically appear and run out into your waiting maw like the suicidal one did from the pot & pan cupboard last time. And meowing pitifully when I stumble into the kitchen for a coke isn’t going to make me find it for you.

To: Mouse

From: Sierra Indigo

Re: GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!

Your buddy was caught and disposed of last time. We have a cat. Ineffectual as she is, she still will eat you. So fuck off!

44

To: Cow-orker Analyst
From: 5que
RE: The fucking printer

  1. Please reconfigure your Outlook rules so it is not necessary to print every e-mail you receive. This is particularly important in that you subscribe to just about every IT newsletter available on the Internet.

  2. When you do print something, it should be for the reason that you are actually going to LOOK at it. Leaving printouts on the printer for two days, until I throw them out, implies that you’re really not that interested in them.

  3. Understand and acknowledge other cultures. Our U.K. offices use a type of paper called “A4.” We do not have “A4” paper in our little laser printer. So when you print an “A4” document, the printer waits for that paper to be inserted. Since you don’t HAVE any “A4” paper, nor bother to go to the printer, everyone else’s printing is delayed until I go over and cancel your job. Here is a handy tip: File, Page Setup, Paper, set Paper Size to “letter”.

  4. It is understood and accepted that many of us use the printer for personal items. However, it is not acceptable to print out (1) 500 pages of Bible versus, and (2) a 700 page Bible commentary, during work hours.

  5. Two words: Rand McNally. You can actually buy maps of suburban Chicago. It is not necessary to print Mapquest maps and directions for every store and restaurant you plan to go to.

Thank you for your attention to these items.

To close on another note, if you continue singing and humming loud enough for me to hear two rows away, I’m going to strangle you with your headphone cords. Either that, or go to HR and get them to enforce the no radio rule.*

And yes, I’ll insert the Office Space reference that “I was told I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume” so you, dear reader, don’t have to.

45

I thought it was time for a good one.

To: The couple of people I work with who really like me.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for appreciating me and saying so every now and again, especially in light of those people who hate me and keep trying to throw me under the bus every chance they get. Your projects come first.
The boss is finally getting it through his thick skull that those bitches are not trustworthy just because they’ve been with the company since Jesus was five, and that they’re lying out of fear for their position here. If you could mention how much you actually see me do, and how much you appreciate me to him, it would be met with a wealth of gratitude. I’m just glad you think I’m great.

Thanks!
Executive Crisis Solver.

46

To: (Mostly library staff)Customers

From: Baker

Re: Our cafe menu

Yes, I do think it was a good idea to put a nice cafe in our new library. I like working for my boss(he leases the business), and am glad to work here.

But there’s only one baker(me) and although I try to keep the line stocked with all the things we are supposed to have, sometimes I can’t. Novel as it may be, we *do * run out of some items.

So please, please, please don’t look all up and down the line, and discover that one item is not stocked, then ask for that item. (I’m lookin’ at YOU, secretary to the library director!). You’ve had three “favorite” items in the last two weeks, and had to sigh fitfully when you couldn’t have chocolate chip scone, pumpkin muffins(they were In the oven, so don’t get pissed at waiting ten minutes for a hot fresh muffin), or the large peanut butter cookie.

At least I don’t have to speak to you directly about this, you heave your sighs and roll your eyes at the register clerk. You’re lucky, she’s a lot more patient than I would be.

I made seventeen rhubarb pies last week, and ran out of fresh rhubarb before the week was over. It’s not personal, I didn’t do that just so I could deprive you of a piece of rhubarb pie on Saturday.

Thank you,

Baker

47

Dear Baker ,

Rhubarb pies, indeed, you SICK LITTLE MONKEY.
Bleah. (insert puke smiley here.)

:smiley:

48

To: Secretary of the place where I do my GA’ing
From: Someone who’s about to strangle you a la “Porphyria’s Lover”
RE: Your stupidity

Item 1: Please turn the [expletive deleted] 80’s music OFF when you leave the office to talk to your buddy down the hall. If this is not done the next semester I have the “honor” of working in the same room as you, I will personally and gleefully restart your computer every time you lock your computer and leave the godawful Yahoo radio station running. Everyone hates your music. Also, announcing “Uh-oh” and turning up the theme from “Beverly Hills Cop” one more time will result in your dismemberment.

Item 2: S. T. F. U. The reason the Fabulous Director of our workplace emphasizes “inside voices” when there is a tutoring session going on is because we, the tutors, cannot concentrate when you are running your yap. I will be bringing in duct tape. It will be applied to your head if you are unable to comprehend the idea of “inside voice.”

Item 3: STFU again. I do not find your observations of the people who live in this city amusing. I especially do not like your stereotypes of “Mexican Men” and “the women who hang around them.” My fiance is Mexican. You are insulting me directly. I will bring this to your attention loudly and with great wrath if you EVER let that slip again.

Item 4: I don’t care about your damn diet. I do not care how many minutes of Pilate’s you do a night. Perhaps if you stopped eating that processed microwaveable crap for lunch each day and partook of real food, you would find it easier to lose weight.

Item 5: Do not act insulted when you have to answer the phone. You are the secretary. It is your job to answer the phone. It is not your job to chat all day and flirt with guys via your webcam, or to tie up the phone yammering with your friends in Florida. It is also not your job to get upset when one of us tutors gets a phone call from home. It is not “your phone”, it belongs to the university. “Your phone” is at home. Please make your personal calls from there.

Item 6: While you are going on and on about being “businesslike,” might I remind you that it is not “businesslike” to have your J.Crew bikini shipped to you at the office. It is also not “businesslike” to complain loudly that they sent the wrong color bottom when we have students being tutored. I assume your apartment complex comes equipped with mailboxes. Please use them.

49

TO: the workers at one of the campus eateries

Could you please refrain from licking the mayo-mustard or avocado off the side of your hand? Actually, would you be careful not to get the side of your hand against the side of the sandwich I just ordered? :rolleyes:

TO: Certain Students (you know who you are)

In the name of all that’s holy, don’t beg me to boost your “F” to a “C” during finals week. It isn’t going to happen. You didn’t earn it. And it’s not fair to those who did the work and improved. If you can’t yet write a sentence in English that makes any sense at all, then you should have taken basic skills instead of Comp. How do you expect to make it through the next class or survive at a university? By plagiarizing? That didn’t work either, did it?

from viva

50

To: the 5th hour Algebra 2 class
From: the pissed-off girl in the front row
Re: Shut the fuck up

You. Yes, you, especially the monkey girl and the “my-voice-volume-is-stuck-on-earsplitting” girl. Shut up. Now. This is school. In this school, I know you have to take 3 years of math. Most of you are sophomores; therefore, I know that you (and me, for that matter) have to be in the class. This does not make me feel sorry for you. Unlike you, I actually care about what is going on in this class. As amazing as I’m sure you would find it, I am actually interested in what goes on here. I do not care what you did last weekend. The only reason our teacher lets you get away with it is because she’s both new to our school and young.

Furthermore: our teacher, despite letting you get away with shit that pretty much any other teacher would have your asses in detention for, is not going to let you order pizza. Or chinese food. Or go get ice cream. Or work outside. Or any of the other stupid things you ask for every class.

Furthermore: Do not complain when you hear that we have a quiz today. She told you there would be a quiz Thursday. She told you yesterday. Do not whine today. Maybe if you actually listened in class, you might know what’s going on.

Finally: It’s a lesser thing, but please, please, PLEASE stop whining about how the teacher is ‘going too fast’. She is not going too fast. I have no real affinity for math, but I can follow the teacher with no problem whatsever. Maybe if you shut the FUCK up, you would hear her explaining something the FIRST time. Also, it would not make me want to rip out your vocal cords and strangle you with them.

Also, to the two guys in my class who are quiet and actually do work: thank you, so much, for being quiet. At least one of my ears doesn’t hurt.

Signed,
mooncat

51

To: Bill Frist
Re: Proposed Change in Senate Fillabuster Rules

Upon return to Nashville, please see Dr. McGrew, Proctology Department, Frist Clinic, Centenniel Medical Center for full body exam.

52

To: Loomis Fargo/Bank of America, Knoxville TN
From: Frustrated Customers
Re: Servicing the ATM.

It has come to my attention that there is a flaw in the operating plan regarding the daily servicing of the ATM at the Kingston Pike branch.

While I understand that money must be transferred to the ATM on a timely basis, (as well as other servicing functions of which I am unaware), is there any reason why this must be done during the traditional lunch hour from 12:00pm-1:00pm?

Given that this is the only Bank of America in a 12 mile radius (the next closest one being downtown), I’m sure you understand how this poses quite the inconvenience to your long-standing customers.

Now, I don’t want to do anything to put your employees in danger - handling such large sums of cash is potentially dangerous (even though this is Knoxville, a city as peaceful as any I’ve ever lived in) and there is no need for the schedule to be changed so dramatically as to increase the odds of a crime being committed upon your people. To which I would like to offer my apologies for suggesting to your serviceman this past Wednesday to “Fucking do this at 3:00am when nobody is using the goddamned machine, asswipe.” Following this advice could be dangerous and I, frankly, wasn’t thinking. Your man was only doing his job and is likely not responsible for setting his schedule.

I would also like to apologize for my use of intemperate language.

Enclosed, please find an invoice for $2.00 to cover the ATM charges I incurred at the nearby SunTrust. Attached to the invoice is the original ATM receipt.

However, I will not apologize for the large brown stain on the back of the ATM receipt. What can I say - emotions were running high that day.

Thank you,

A Valued Customer

CC: SunTrust Bank, Kenneth D. Lewis - CEO and President, Bank of America.

53

To: The guys across the street trimming the trees this morning
From: The guy sleeping in his Comfy Bed across the street from you
Re: Using handheld windtunnels at half-past the crack of dawn.

It has come to my attention that you are trimming the trees and cleaning up using a leafblower that sounds like it was last serviced sometime before I was born. While I’m sure there is a dire need for the beautiful tree canopy on this street to be hacked back so that the sticks outnumber the leaves, I do value my sleep.
Enclosed are twenty-five cents($0.25) in the form of a bright, shiny quarter with which you are to buy a clue. Please hold off on the chainsaws and leafblowers until the sun is at least high enough to cast shadows, or I will have to come over there and sic my cat on you then kill you with fire.

Sincerely,
The curmudgeon with a pillow over his head

54

To: Lord Vader
From: Admiral Piett
Re: My Recent Promotion

May the Force be with you, Lord Vader.

For starters, I would like to thank you for my recent elevation from lowly captain to Admiral of the Emperors fleet. I promise that I will do everything I can to avoid the mistakes of my predecessor, Admiral Ozzel.

Death to the Rebel Alliance!

However, I must make you aware of a number of issues regarding my sudden promotion. Please be patient and understanding as you read the following list.

  1. While my rank has been increased, this information apparently has not been given to the Imperial Payroll Department. Please notify them of my promotion, and if I may be so bold, have them adjust my pay retroactively to the date I was promoted. I, myself, am perfectly satisfied to do this job while being paid a scale commiserate with what one should expect of a first-year Captain… unfortunately Lord Vader, my wife is not.

  2. My sudden promotion has apparently sparked an internecine debate that I am unable to quell. Many people of higher rank are refusing to obey my orders, declaring that you did not follow the established procedures set up by the Executive Committee. I am too busy chasing and fighting the rebel scum to worry about their petty concerns, and I was thinking a word or gesture from you, Lord Vader, would do much to bring order within the ranks.

  3. I am concerned by reports that indicate that you might have a familial relationship with the person or persons involved in the destruction of the last Super Space Station, the “Death Star” as the system techs have called it. While I am sure that this has the potential to be quite a touchy subject, in my new duties as Admiral I have no choice but to bring it to the Emperors attention.

Thank you for taking your time in addressing my concerns. I’m sure that everything will be resolved shortly with you by my side, Lord Vader!

Death to the Rebel Alliance!

Most faithfully and always yours,

Admiral Piett

CC: The Emperor Palpatine, The Executive Committee, the Imperial Payroll Department.

55

Dear HR Manager For Local NonProfit

Thanks for posting the perfect job. Thanks for talking with me for 15 minutes on the phone and getting my hopes up about it.

However, being fluent in Cantonese and the position only being 25 hours a week as a temporary position for June and July are NOT minor details. Yes, you should have mentioned those things in your posting.

Thanks for wasting my time and effort.

Inkleberry.

56

To: Cat
From: Sierra Indigo

Re: Mouse (Again)

Dear Cat,

You caught a second mouse. Hoorah for you. That’s wonderful, and as a cat what you should be doing. But for god’s sake, when you catch one, why do you have to sit there at two am howling at the top of your lungs until I get out of bed and see what you’ve got there? I’m only thankful for the fact that you didn’t dump it on the foot of our bed, and let me shepherd you into the bathroom to finish it. Which you didn’t. Somehow you’d managed to kill this mouse, unlike the last one, and yet you still sat there staring at it like it was… god knows what. I don’t relish having to rescue you from a dead mouse at two in the morning so I can go out the back in the cold, in bare feet, and dump it over the fence.

I hate you.

Sincerely,
Sierra Indigo.

57

Thank you. For choosing me to be the first memo that anyone flamed. I thought this was like a fair game rant thread… :rolleyes:

Shove your baby-killer up your ass.

58

To: Engineer
From: Operations Department Staff
Re: Your Antiquated Automation System

I realize that, 12 years ago, the station didn’t have enough money to buy a proper broadcast automation system. I realize that you took it upon yourself to design and build your very own, one-of-a-kind, only-one-in-the-universe automation system so the station could save money and fire all the live operators.

But did you absolutely have to write it in DOS? And don’t you think it would have been a great idea to compile an instruction manual for it, so perhaps other people who come to the job could get some kind of idea how to use it? Apparently not, because you’ve never done it, and you’re never going to. Have you ever conducted a training seminar to show the people who program the log how to do it without any errors? No. You’d rather have us muddle through it and make mistakes because we don’t understand how it works, and then bitch about our incompetence behind our backs.

After all, there are only about a million ways to screw something up with your stupid one-line-of-code-for-every-function programming, and the inexplicable redundant switches and false trigger sensors. And didn’t it occur to you that while the world of technology was expanding to, oh, Windows 2000 and Pentium IV and multitasking, that your 75 MHz CPU and less-than-1-gig hard drives would become obsolete? No? How about the bad sectors on the hard drives that contain your OS and all the sound files? How come you had to design your system on a kind of computer that no one can buy anymore? Why couldn’t you have transferred your DOS system onto a more modern computer with faster speed and larger storage capacity? You can’t replace your hard drives because they’ve been discontinued for 10 years.

Why did you choose to use a nonstandard sound format? Nobody in any facet of the audio industry uses .snd files at 22,050 Hz sampling rate. Except you, that is. So we have to record in one format (.wav) and use a separate program to convert to your stupid format, and put the sound files on your hard drives from zip disks. But wait! The physical size of your stupid .snd files is exactly the same size as the equivalent .wav file. And wait some more! Know why we have so many discrepancy reports? Because we have to be out of programming mode and back to execution mode before the break comes up, or it will not play. It can’t play if your computer is still cycling and scanning sound files for up to a minute before it returns to execution mode. If we miss airing a sponsor’s message because your system couldn’t work until it was done cycling, that’s a problem. But not yours, oh, never.

Well that’s OK, pal. As soon as the money comes through, we are replacing your piece of shit system with real automation that works flawlessly, on modern computers. We won’t be bound to working on it in increments of 20 minutes or less. We’ll have 120 gig drives. We will use stereo .wav files at 44.1 KHz, like everybody else in the freakin’ world. We’ll be able to transfer any sound files onto it from our desktops, without having to wait for a break to be over before we can get back into programming mode. There won’t be a programming mode!!! We’ll be able to change programming on the fly, drag and drop, talk over automation, combine sound sources without your patch bay… We’ll be so happy.

You, on the other hand, will continue to be antisocial, temperamental, an egomaniac, abrasive, demeaning and outdated. And then all that will be left for you to do here before you are retired is tend to the website. But when they discover that you can be replaced by a kid with a zillion light years’ more experience in modern website design for half of what it costs to have you taking up space and making us miserable, you’ll be history. And the new website will be pretty, and functional!

Oh, and do you think you could get a personality? Whatever that is you’re using now, sucks.

Yours,

The people who have to work around you (literally and figuratively)

Thank you. I have needed to get that out for some time now. Whew!