Funnily enough, I remember when MemoryGongs and his GF stopped by Merge’s favorite bar. MG and GF were quietly sampling one of the local brews, when Merge walks in, lifts his leg to sit on a stool, and lets a loud one rip. MemoryGongs angrily stood up and said “Merge, how dare you fart before my wife!”
Apologetically, Merge turned to her and said “Sorry Ma’am, I didn’t realize we were taking turns.”
(Yes, it’s an old joke but somebody had to make it).
Um, not audibly. I suppose that I’m damned either way; making the noise is crass, but letting a stinky cloud out without warning is unfair. Even so, I use my perfected Stealth Fart[sup]TM[/sup] if I absolutely, positively cannot hold back. But if possible, I’ll hold on to it.
Ahhhh, the “First Fart”, a momentous occasion in any relationship. Quite a few friends of mine (all couples) exchanged some first fart stories with each other one day (probably the same day we coind the term “first fart” within our group). Anyways, they wern’t all funny, just memorable, but a few were!
Mine was in a Denny’s. My GF and two of our friends were having a late breakfast (Brunch?) and we were discussing where it was appropriate to talk on a cell phone. The other female at the table said that the best way to decide would be to not talk unless you would be comfortable farting in the location. Now I had been with my GF for a year and a half, and had held out the whole time but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity, it was just too perfect. Not three seconds after she said her bit, I let one rip that was, well, memorable for a few reasons… apparently the two families on either side of us had over heard our conversation and erupted in laughter which was rather loud considering they were complete strangers. The best part was that the only people not laughing was me, I sat stone faced, trying desperately not to laugh, and my GF, who sat red faced trying to forget she ever met me! 
The other good one was a close friend of mine who also suffered from the affliction of being “unable” to fart in front of women. One night he fell asleep on his stomach watching a movie in his basement. His GF laid her head on the small of his back while lying down and continued watching the movie. At one point she rolled he head to the side (facing his ass) and he promptly farted right in her face! :eek: She started laughing so hard that he woke up completely unaware of what was going on, very confused why she was laughing alone in a room while watching Schindlers List!
I’m waiting for DH to explode one day. Unfortunately for him, I’m not so repressed myself. At least they are delicate and lady-like (haw).
I guess he whooshed himself by whooshing her.
I am not a public pooter, nor is my husband. In fact, in nearly sixteen years together, the only time I’ve heard my husband break wind was when he was sound asleep. We have a friend who is the sharing sort, and she makes us both blush with her frequent and explosive, um… expressions.
Now, I will freely concede that in the bathroom, all politeness rules are suspended and one is free to be as musical as one wishes. My daughter frequently parks outside the bathroom door, where her giggles make a lovely counterpoint to her mother’s bass rumbles and staccato tympanics.
Jeez, all this drama over a fart. It’s just a fart.
[von Richthoven]
“How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you, the basis of an entire culture.”
[/von Richthoven]
There really is a BlackAdder quote for every occasion, isn’t there?
I fart in front of deaf women, because they can’t hear it, but not hearing women unless they think its funny. This week I went camping with a hearing dutch woman & I was thinking of farting in the sleeping bag & pulling it above her head, as that is called a ‘dutch oven’ & that, I thought, was just too tacky, but a hilariously handy-ish thing to do 
& no, I didn’t do it.
This just really cracked me up.
I haven’t yet ripped one off in front of a spouse. I wish my ex-'s could say the same.
I fell asleep with an old girlfriend once after consuming a large meal. All of a sudden a loud noise woke me up and to my horror I realized I’d just cut a tremendous fart. I lay there frozen for about 20 seconds hoping she’d slept through it. Then she couldn’t lay still any more and she just burst out laughing uncontrollably. She said she’d never heard one that long or that loud before. She was about 8 years yourger than me, pretty and petite so it made me feel like a real moron. I think it scarred me but good.
I toot. It happens. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes I get in trouble. Lately, she’s been the one feeling comfortable enough to bust ass in front of me. I always laugh.
BTW - covering someone’s head with the blanket after you fart is called “playing covered wagon.” It is also a good way to get punched in the nuts.
[scribble]Number… fifty… six… Playing… covered… wagon…[/scribble]
There! It’s on my list. Thanks, I’m always looking for “good” ways to get punched in the nuts!
Thanks lovejoy, that line gave me a really good laugh!
No problem. I try to let little pearls of wisdom run free every now and then.
[There is no easier way to get my best friend to laugh at a movie than to see a good kick in the balls. No matter what the context, nor how funny the rest of the movie is, he laughs hardest when there is a good racking going on. I have become accustomed to his behavior, and immediately look at his face when I see the aforementioned action. It never fails. Maybe Joe Queenan was correct when he said that the best movies have a good swift kick in the nuts. (Has anyone read “The Unkindest Cut?” The book is hilarious… I’d love to see his movie.)]
I must suffer from the same affliction, it was all I could do to keep from passing out when Dr. Evil got hit in the nuts with the meteor in Austin Powers 3…
looks around at the glares
Woah… I almost hijacked this thread… so sorry!
So, um, yes, in conclusion… uh… Fart!
runs